Tag Archives: Clay Buchholz

More of the same frustrating story for the Sox. The offense showed up just in time during the finale of a four-game set in Oakland to prevent a sweep at the hands of the AL-best Athletics. Boston moved on to Seattle on Monday night and, once again, the team mustered only one win – a 5-4 win on Wednesday night in Clay Buchholz’s return to the rotation. The team was outscored 20-4 in the first two games of the series against a largely underwhelming Mariners offense. Boston would need a sweep in the Bronx this weekend to salvage a .500 record on the 10-game road trip.

Boston is unfortunately learning the hard way that two-run home runs from super-utility guys like Brock Holt are fantastic, but they don’t win many games all by their lonesome…

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Postseason Hopes Fading
According to FanGraph’s Playoff Odds tool, the team had a 13.4% chance of reaching the postseason as of Friday morning (7.7% as the AL East champ; 5.8% as a Wild Card).

Trade Anxiety Mounting
Fill in the first blank with any veteran starting pitcher and the second with whomever you so desire to be the team’s power-hitting outfielder and you’ve got much of the talking head “FIX IT” narrative over the past few weeks covered. Events transpiring over the past week may shift the focus overwhelmingly toward punting the season.

On ESPN Insider, Dan Syzmborski cites the 2012 mega-deal with the LA Dodgers as a precedent for recovering value on a lost season. He covers all of the trade possibilities, which can basically be broken down into a few categories:

– Veteran position players who have limited, short-term value in the coming months: Stephen Drew, Jonny Gomes

– Veteran starting pitchers with theoretically high upside: Jon Lester, Jake Peavy, John Lackey

– Elite bullpen arm: Koji Uehara

– Proven™ bullpen lefty: Andrew Miller

– Idiot free-swinging catchers who roll over outside pitches to second base to ground into double plays and kill rallies during high-leverage situations: A.J. Pierzynski

Many have pointed to July 1 as a good cutoff for a clear decision on either riding out the roster in hopes of making the playoffs or cashing out on older players and acquiring prospects. Boston will have to play incredibly well against the Yankees this weekend to change any minds by next Tuesday.

Club executives have already begun circling the wagons around the idea that, yes, Boston fans smart and understanding enough to support a “Sell” mentality next month.

For the record, this space is officially on board with the sell veterans for prospects route no matter what happens over the next week.

Clay Buchholz Looking Much Improved
On a positive note, Clay Buchholz looked good in his first start in nearly a month on Wednesday night in Seattle. Sure, he gave up three home runs and some other loud noises, but he also managed to touch 92-93 mph with his fastball and pitch into the 8th inning while throwing only 76 pitches.

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Red Sox right-hander Clay Buchholz is several years removed from his days as an eligible bachelor. The Boston starter and former ladies’ man has left his womanizing days behind and now leads a quiet life of domestic bliss with his two daughters and his wife, professional model Lindsay Clubbine. With the games that count now tantalizingly close, the ever-insightful pitcher sat down to answer some of Fenway Pastoral readers’ pressing questions.

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Clay,
I read something recently about how the Red Sox have implemented a somewhat revolutionary program to keep the team healthy that includes “soft tissue management” from a team of top specialists in the field of physical therapy. Have you faked any injuries just to get a free massage or anything like that?

– Misty from Dover

Misty, I’ve actually got my own stable of masseuses who take care of my needs because I think that, like, “hard tissue” is equally as important as this whole “soft tissue” craze. Don’t get me wrong – I’m sure the team’s extensive stable of medical professionals is probably top notch. But if I’m being honest, I like to be able to have more say in the people who are rubbing my body. Since I first came to Boston, I’ve spent years vetting and refining the perfect mix of sure-handed specialists (as coincidence would have it, all ladies…) to suit my varying moods and daily needs. The one time I had one of the team’s professionals work on me, I was lying on my back and Ben Cherington popped his head in the door to ask me how I was feeling. He glanced at me briefly and got this horrified look on his face. So I just said, Dude, I’m getting a frigging massage in here…WTF? We actually haven’t really talked since that day.

Clay,
What are your thoughts on the ladies that NESN has used as on-field “talent” during spring training telecasts. Looks like the network may break camp with a platoon of Elle Duncan and Sarah Davis. Can they combine to be suitable replacements for Jenny Dell?

– Tim from Nashua

Sarah Davis and Elle Duncan enter the 2014 season in a rookie platoon situation.

Spring training performance is of limited value, Tim. Miniscule sample sizes; diluted competition; limited pressure. I don’t think we’ll really know anything for sure about either of these dames until the games are for real come April. Just because Sarah turned Mike Carp’s head a couple weeks ago doesn’t mean anything is set in stone. Mikey was probably ogling Elle Duncan’s, um, backside with equal vigor a few minutes later. Also consider that @sarahnicoledavis only has about 7,500 Twitter followers while @elleduncan has got 19,000 followers.

There’s no question that it’s beneficial to create some competition at this juncture of the season. It helps avoid complacency. And every reporter develops at her own rate. Let’s not forget that a couple years ago at this time, Jenny Dell could barely read off a cue card. She grew into the role and made a life for herself.

Clay,
I’m all for capitalism and whatnot, but this whole dynamic pricing concept for Green Monster seats has me reeling. It just doesn’t seem right. I know the team will make some extra money, but the whole thing strikes me as a bit too opportunistic and manipulative of the marketplace.

– Joe from Providence

I don’t see what the problem is, Joe. Let’s say you take a ride over to the Foxy Lady on a Tuesday night and the doormen are asking you to pay the same cover charge to get in for Amateur Night as the place gets for “Perfect 10 Fridays” or whatever they have down there. Games – and broads – are not created equal. Don’t listen to what some people say, you CAN put lipstick on a pig and, unfortunately, some lower-end establishments know it. Some dancers are uggos with a lot of makeup. Others are gymnastic freaks of nature who just kind of, uh, lost their way and made their lives into something awesome. Yeah, there’s a chance you feel a special “connection” with one of the more mature ladies on stage on a Tuesday night. But there are more people looking to tie one on and wink at a few chicks as they do their thing on stage on a Friday night.

In fact, I bet all the tenets put forth by Adam Smith in the Wealth of Nations were really just an elaborate allegorical manifesto designed to convince owners of local brothels to extend him a Tuesday night price break.

Clay,
Some enterprising photographer caught Tom Brady cupping his wife Gisele Bundchen’s bum on the beach. You’re really the only other pro athlete in town who is married to a model. But you and Lindsay have kept it pretty classy and under-the-radar since you got married. Where are all the photos of you guys frolicking? When will you two be turning up on E! News?

– Rob from Plympton

It’s not easy being a successful athlete and a ruggedly handsome sex symbol at the same time, Rob. There’s always someone camping out just waiting for you to do anything the least bit scandalous. Now that I have two World Series championships under my belt, I’m probably going to be in the same boat as Brady. Tom’s got that third Super Bowl ring so I’m only one behind him now. People always say that the paparazzi love a winner. Another World Series or two and I’ll probably be a mainstay in GQ for the next decade. Starting next week the quest starts anew.

Thanks for the questions, guys!

Red Sox right-hander Clay Buchholz is several years removed from his roaring days as an eligible bachelor. The Boston starter now lives a quiet domestic life at home with his two daughters and his wife, professional model Lindsay Clubbine. After an injury-plagued but ultimately successful season, Clay took some time to reflect on his future and answer some readers’ questions.

Clay,
You’ve been on the Red Sox since 2007 but you don’t appear in TV commercials, on billboards or within other ads nearly as much as other team veterans such as Dustin Pedroia, David Ortiz and Jon Lester. What gives? You dated models galore back before you got married so you obviously have sex appeal. And your on-field results when you’re healthy speak for themselves. (A sub-2.00 ERA in 2013! WTF!) Don’t you want to earn some easy cash, bro?

– Brian from Sudbury

Well, Brian, I’m actually a big believer in professional athletes capitalizing on their prowess and popularity. But, personally, I’ve never really much cared for appearing in those mainstream advertisements hawking diarrhea-inducing, coffee-based sludge or what-have-you. And I’m not going to slap on a generic athletic jersey and unceremoniously tell you where to do your banking. I’d rather aim for something a bit mightier and charismatic.

That’s why this offseason I plan to contact some local sperm banks about getting paid to knuckle off a bunch of samples and officially put myself out to stud. Like you said, back in the day a lot of model types and beautiful babes were into me, but regrettably I was only able to handle so much with my busy schedule as a professional athlete. Now that I’ve fathered a couple of children the old-fashioned way, I think it’s time to avail my superior genetics on a broader basis. With my beautiful wife Lindsay’s blessing, I think it makes sense to get the ball rolling on a future generation of all-star caliber major league starting pitchers. My seed probably won’t be available to just anybody – the price point will be set really high and interested ladies will need to be screened to make sure they fit some specific criteria. And I’d like to keep the records sealed so that the offspring aren’t all over me for money and support from my retirement fund benefits down the road. But my dream is to be able to watch MLB games 25 years from now and see a bunch of right-handers with fantastic curveballs and unknown lineages who could just be traced back to me.

Clay,
Please tell me you’ve already shaved off that upper lip hair that you passed off as a mustache during the 2013 playoffs. You were really creeping me out!

– Sarah from New Haven, Conn.

Sarah, I guess you’re one of those dames who is weirded out by a cool ‘stache? It’s your loss. I have to admit I’m surprised that my decision to grow a thick, Tom Selleck-esque mustache would have elicited any negative reactions from the fairer sex.

Clay,
Tell us the truth, why do you put so much “product” in your hair on days you’re the starting pitcher? Is there some kind of competitive edge to it?

– Cyrus from N.H.

Cyrus, just because I’m married doesn’t mean I want to just tell the whole world that I’ve given up on making women yearn for my bod. A lot of chicks are into a greasier, kind of slippery look that my hair has on start days. I used to read about guys like Jerry Rice being really anal about the uniform fitting perfect and always having the jersey tucked in neat and socks pulled up even and all that. Well, I thrive on the same kind of superstition. I pitch better knowing there are a bunch of birds sitting at home, with their form-fitting pink-bedazzled Buchholz shirts on, just pining for me through the television. I can sense their pheromones pulsing through basic cable and willing me to victory. Any competitive benefits I may get from running my hand through my hair and then gripping the baseball are purely incidental. But if you’re a dame routing for the Red Sox, what you’re feeling, animalistically, when you watch me pitch? That ain’t an accident.

Clay,
I’ve noticed your wife Lindsay likes sitting in those box seats right behind home plate. It looked like she even brought your infant daughter along a couple of times in October to cheer on the team and bring it luck. She obviously isn’t afraid to be out there in front of the camera and in the spotlight. You also dated a number of models and porn stars back in the day. How can I meet a chick who isn’t afraid of a lot of attention?

– Terry from Sandwich

Thanks for the question Terry. There are a lot of telltale signs when you’re out in public or at a bar that will point you in the direction of those uninhibited types. And believe me, those are the broads you wanna bunk with. Whether you’re out at a bar or sitting in the bleachers at a Sox game, you want to zero in on the babes who are being hounded and ogled by a bunch of dudes. Because the marketplace doesn’t lie: they’re probably the most attractive and also probably the ones with the experience you’re looking for. For example, when you’re at the strip club – who are paying to see? The talent up on the stage or the skirt that takes your drink order? Aim for fame, my friend.

Clay,
You’ve mentioned in the past that you’re unimpressed by Boston’s non-existent “strip club” scene. What are your thoughts about the recent news that the Glass Slipper was sanctioned for allowing physical contact inside its club?

– Mel from Marblehead

Well, Mel…this is an issue I was surprised by. So basically there’s a club where a bunch of ladies parade around nude out on a big fancy stage and then afterward they’re not supposed to go and mingle with all the dudes spectating? That’s like the Red Sox charging fans a ball park entry fee to watch batting practice and then making everyone exit Fenway Park before the start of the first inning.

Thanks for all the questions, guys. Enjoy the Hot Stove season.

In the wake of The Obstruction Call that ended Game 3, some existentially meaningless thoughts about what will happen during tonight’s baseball game.

1. Clay Buchholz will pitch less than five innings.

2. Lance Lynn will pitch exactly five innings.

3. The margin of victory for the winning team will be three runs or more.

4. Dustin Pedroia will have two extra-base hits.

5. Carlos Beltran will hit a home run off Buchholz.

6. Koji Uehara will record more than three outs.

7. Craig Breslow will record two outs.

8. There will be a total of two errors in the game.