Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: How to monetize sex appeal in a modern economic world

Red Sox right-hander Clay Buchholz is several years removed from his roaring days as an eligible bachelor. The Boston starter now lives a quiet domestic life at home with his two daughters and his wife, professional model Lindsay Clubbine. After an injury-plagued but ultimately successful season, Clay took some time to reflect on his future and answer some readers’ questions.

Clay,
You’ve been on the Red Sox since 2007 but you don’t appear in TV commercials, on billboards or within other ads nearly as much as other team veterans such as Dustin Pedroia, David Ortiz and Jon Lester. What gives? You dated models galore back before you got married so you obviously have sex appeal. And your on-field results when you’re healthy speak for themselves. (A sub-2.00 ERA in 2013! WTF!) Don’t you want to earn some easy cash, bro?

– Brian from Sudbury

Well, Brian, I’m actually a big believer in professional athletes capitalizing on their prowess and popularity. But, personally, I’ve never really much cared for appearing in those mainstream advertisements hawking diarrhea-inducing, coffee-based sludge or what-have-you. And I’m not going to slap on a generic athletic jersey and unceremoniously tell you where to do your banking. I’d rather aim for something a bit mightier and charismatic.

That’s why this offseason I plan to contact some local sperm banks about getting paid to knuckle off a bunch of samples and officially put myself out to stud. Like you said, back in the day a lot of model types and beautiful babes were into me, but regrettably I was only able to handle so much with my busy schedule as a professional athlete. Now that I’ve fathered a couple of children the old-fashioned way, I think it’s time to avail my superior genetics on a broader basis. With my beautiful wife Lindsay’s blessing, I think it makes sense to get the ball rolling on a future generation of all-star caliber major league starting pitchers. My seed probably won’t be available to just anybody – the price point will be set really high and interested ladies will need to be screened to make sure they fit some specific criteria. And I’d like to keep the records sealed so that the offspring aren’t all over me for money and support from my retirement fund benefits down the road. But my dream is to be able to watch MLB games 25 years from now and see a bunch of right-handers with fantastic curveballs and unknown lineages who could just be traced back to me.

Clay,
Please tell me you’ve already shaved off that upper lip hair that you passed off as a mustache during the 2013 playoffs. You were really creeping me out!

– Sarah from New Haven, Conn.

Sarah, I guess you’re one of those dames who is weirded out by a cool ‘stache? It’s your loss. I have to admit I’m surprised that my decision to grow a thick, Tom Selleck-esque mustache would have elicited any negative reactions from the fairer sex.

Clay,
Tell us the truth, why do you put so much “product” in your hair on days you’re the starting pitcher? Is there some kind of competitive edge to it?

– Cyrus from N.H.

Cyrus, just because I’m married doesn’t mean I want to just tell the whole world that I’ve given up on making women yearn for my bod. A lot of chicks are into a greasier, kind of slippery look that my hair has on start days. I used to read about guys like Jerry Rice being really anal about the uniform fitting perfect and always having the jersey tucked in neat and socks pulled up even and all that. Well, I thrive on the same kind of superstition. I pitch better knowing there are a bunch of birds sitting at home, with their form-fitting pink-bedazzled Buchholz shirts on, just pining for me through the television. I can sense their pheromones pulsing through basic cable and willing me to victory. Any competitive benefits I may get from running my hand through my hair and then gripping the baseball are purely incidental. But if you’re a dame routing for the Red Sox, what you’re feeling, animalistically, when you watch me pitch? That ain’t an accident.

Clay,
I’ve noticed your wife Lindsay likes sitting in those box seats right behind home plate. It looked like she even brought your infant daughter along a couple of times in October to cheer on the team and bring it luck. She obviously isn’t afraid to be out there in front of the camera and in the spotlight. You also dated a number of models and porn stars back in the day. How can I meet a chick who isn’t afraid of a lot of attention?

– Terry from Sandwich

Thanks for the question Terry. There are a lot of telltale signs when you’re out in public or at a bar that will point you in the direction of those uninhibited types. And believe me, those are the broads you wanna bunk with. Whether you’re out at a bar or sitting in the bleachers at a Sox game, you want to zero in on the babes who are being hounded and ogled by a bunch of dudes. Because the marketplace doesn’t lie: they’re probably the most attractive and also probably the ones with the experience you’re looking for. For example, when you’re at the strip club – who are paying to see? The talent up on the stage or the skirt that takes your drink order? Aim for fame, my friend.

Clay,
You’ve mentioned in the past that you’re unimpressed by Boston’s non-existent “strip club” scene. What are your thoughts about the recent news that the Glass Slipper was sanctioned for allowing physical contact inside its club?

– Mel from Marblehead

Well, Mel…this is an issue I was surprised by. So basically there’s a club where a bunch of ladies parade around nude out on a big fancy stage and then afterward they’re not supposed to go and mingle with all the dudes spectating? That’s like the Red Sox charging fans a ball park entry fee to watch batting practice and then making everyone exit Fenway Park before the start of the first inning.

Thanks for all the questions, guys. Enjoy the Hot Stove season.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s