Monthly Archives: March 2012

Epic struggle for No. 5 slot in 2012 Red Sox rotation to become Broadway musical

Sources confirmed earlier today that the producers of the highly acclaimed new “Magic/Bird” musical have inked a deal with Bobby Valentine to create a future musical concerning the battle for the fifth spot in the 2012 Boston Red Sox pitching rotation.

Valentine isn’t exactly sure when he realized the subject turned from mere spring training debate into an epic struggle indicative of humanity’s unending plight.

Known for his flair for the dramatic, Bobby V. believes the drama of the fifth-starter competition will translate beautifully onto the Broadway stage. (Photo via Reuters).

However, as spring training wore on and Valentine continued to speak words out of his mouth, sparking endless debate, “I started to realize there was something essential going on here. Something that rose above the simple search for a guy who can pitch five innings every fifth day. This is about human dignity, suffering and effectively repeating your arm-slot and delivery motion for 100-plus pitches.”

“That’s when I thought, why don’t I work to put my name on something meaningful that will immortalize this thing? I thought, WHAT ABOUT A BROADWAY MUSICAL? How great is that!”

The show will consist of three acts that will be separated by two intermissions, which will be referred to as, what else, Bobby V. says, “7th Inning Stretches.”

“I think extended musical numbers regarding strikeout-per-nine innings ratios are going to translate pretty well to the stage,” he said. “Then of course, second act will move beyond the statistics. The second act is a commentary on mental fortitude and that internal struggle that anyone, let’s say any old set-up man or long reliever, must go through to transition the mind to being used to pitching on a set routine. There will be some emotional turmoil on display for sure.”

The third act, predictably, will be simply the “Daniel Bard” character standing on top of a dirt mound pontificating on his new job and the potential for a long-term big-money contract if he succeeds.

“We may further dramatize the action by putting the ‘Alfredo Aceves’ character and perhaps one based on Aaron Cook at the bottom of the mound. The two aspiring starters will be kind of playing King of the Mountain. You know, trying to knock Daniel down from this tenuous perch.”

Valentine played it coy when asked whether he planned to insert an autobiographical “Manager” role into the production. “Oh, let’s just say the main character of the musical will be a handsome older gentleman with a perfect tan and an intoxicating smile…”

Critics are already recognizing the show’s potential to become an iconic success.

“Yeah, this is going to be huge,” said one renowned Broadway observer. “The team’s  fanbase is consumptive by nature and I believe that the cross-section of diehard Boston Red Sox fans and theater aficionados is much larger than we think.”

Said one historian, “Even if the stage direction is a disaster, the sets uninspired and the musical numbers off-key, this is going to be an important entry into the long and storied history of the Boston Red Sox. It will ensure that this epic debate that took place for a few weeks never gets forgotten. Never.”

PBS has already been granted backstage access to any rehearsals and the pre-production process.

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Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy plots scathing column after being shunned by brick wall

It was supposed to be a feel-good introductory interview–nothing more than another early spring piece of fluff so light it would float right up off the newspage or the screen of a mobile device and vanish into thin air like a soapy bubble on a windy summer’s day.

It was supposed to be a simple wet kiss designed to warm the heart; soothe the soul; and provide elixir to the worried minds of a Red Sox Nation that is just a tad bit more skeptical and on edge than normal.

There would be all the requisite nods to all the facilitating chums within the organization, including CEO and president Larry Lucchino. If readers were lucky, maybe a couple veiled insults hurled toward those rat bastard New York Yankees, the Athens to Boston’s Sparta. If readers weren’t, a couple of ill-fitting allusions to heartbreaking losses in baseball (or basketball or football) games played 10 or 20 years before.

But something went horribly wrong for the Boston Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy on Tuesday morning, when he showed up at Fenway Park for a scheduled sit-down with Fenway Park’s latest celebrity, the 100th Anniversary Brick Wall.

The facade, constructed on the strength of fan donations and filled with engraved messages, well-wishes and heart-felt Thank Yous from Sox enthusiasts, just stared back at the veteran pundit. It uttered not a word. It provided the writer not a single platitude that could be regurgitated as filler. It sat there, stoic, looking ever forward and literally stonewalled its visitor’s advances.

The only witness to the standoff was a maintenance crew that was recently hired to replace concession stand signage with revised price points for the 2012 season.

Said one crew member: “Mr. Shaughnessy looked visibly upset. He kept screaming how ridiculous it was that he had flown all the way up here from Florida for this. The only noise his tape recorder picked up other than his flailing voice musta been the buzz of our drills.”

In response to this public affront, Shaughnessy has begun penning a scathing column denouncing the Anniversary Brick Wall as a Know-it-All Prima Donna unworthy of Boston fans’ adoration. The piece is expected to run on the front page of the Sunday Sports section this weekend.

Said one Globe insider: “This is going to be the rip job to end all rip jobs. I don’t know what this brick wall was thinking shunning the city’s most well-known columnist. Dan Shaughnessy is an institution around here. He is THE voice of Red Sox fans. I don’t see why the thing couldn’t just give him five minutes.”

The column places Shaughnessy at odds with the ballpark he once loved so much he that he penned several heart-rending “Save Fenway”-themed editorials in the mid-1990s. But it would appear the love affair is officially over. One club official expressed sadness for the situation.

“I’ve never seen such vitriol devoted to a non-load-bearing structure. I mean, this Anniversary Wall might still have that New Car Feeling to it, but Shaughnessy had this riot act written before the cement had even dried. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it’s just hate for the sake of hate.”

However, one high-ranking Globe editor disagreed. “This is an exceptional piece of work. We’ve already begun filling out the paperwork to enter the piece for all the relevant industry awards and accolades.”

As one media critic pointed out, “Nobody expects newspapers to be edgy these days. I think this is going to shock people. This is a sledgehammering in word form. An absolute takedown of a subject selfishly trying to rest its laurels on the hype surrounding it. Dan shot holes in that wall like he was Ben Affleck at the end of The Town. Bravo, Dan. Bravo.”