Epic struggle for No. 5 slot in 2012 Red Sox rotation to become Broadway musical

Sources confirmed earlier today that the producers of the highly acclaimed new “Magic/Bird” musical have inked a deal with Bobby Valentine to create a future musical concerning the battle for the fifth spot in the 2012 Boston Red Sox pitching rotation.

Valentine isn’t exactly sure when he realized the subject turned from mere spring training debate into an epic struggle indicative of humanity’s unending plight.

Known for his flair for the dramatic, Bobby V. believes the drama of the fifth-starter competition will translate beautifully onto the Broadway stage. (Photo via Reuters).

However, as spring training wore on and Valentine continued to speak words out of his mouth, sparking endless debate, “I started to realize there was something essential going on here. Something that rose above the simple search for a guy who can pitch five innings every fifth day. This is about human dignity, suffering and effectively repeating your arm-slot and delivery motion for 100-plus pitches.”

“That’s when I thought, why don’t I work to put my name on something meaningful that will immortalize this thing? I thought, WHAT ABOUT A BROADWAY MUSICAL? How great is that!”

The show will consist of three acts that will be separated by two intermissions, which will be referred to as, what else, Bobby V. says, “7th Inning Stretches.”

“I think extended musical numbers regarding strikeout-per-nine innings ratios are going to translate pretty well to the stage,” he said. “Then of course, second act will move beyond the statistics. The second act is a commentary on mental fortitude and that internal struggle that anyone, let’s say any old set-up man or long reliever, must go through to transition the mind to being used to pitching on a set routine. There will be some emotional turmoil on display for sure.”

The third act, predictably, will be simply the “Daniel Bard” character standing on top of a dirt mound pontificating on his new job and the potential for a long-term big-money contract if he succeeds.

“We may further dramatize the action by putting the ‘Alfredo Aceves’ character and perhaps one based on Aaron Cook at the bottom of the mound. The two aspiring starters will be kind of playing King of the Mountain. You know, trying to knock Daniel down from this tenuous perch.”

Valentine played it coy when asked whether he planned to insert an autobiographical “Manager” role into the production. “Oh, let’s just say the main character of the musical will be a handsome older gentleman with a perfect tan and an intoxicating smile…”

Critics are already recognizing the show’s potential to become an iconic success.

“Yeah, this is going to be huge,” said one renowned Broadway observer. “The team’s  fanbase is consumptive by nature and I believe that the cross-section of diehard Boston Red Sox fans and theater aficionados is much larger than we think.”

Said one historian, “Even if the stage direction is a disaster, the sets uninspired and the musical numbers off-key, this is going to be an important entry into the long and storied history of the Boston Red Sox. It will ensure that this epic debate that took place for a few weeks never gets forgotten. Never.”

PBS has already been granted backstage access to any rehearsals and the pre-production process.

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