Monthly Archives: December 2011

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Parting gifts from Mr. Jeter and other pressing matters

All-star pitcher, devoted husband of model Lindsay Clubine, loving father and, lest we never forget, former ladies’ man Clay Buchholz took some time to chat with Fenway Pastoral readers.

(From - seriously.)

After his one-night stands, Derek Jeter sends broads on their way by sticking them in a chauffeured car with autographed memorabilia as a parting gift. Back when you were playing the field, did you give out any signature keepsakes?

– Terry from Wilmington, Mass.

Things were a bit different back when I was a bachelor in the late 2000s. The economy was flailing and I hadn’t signed my multi-million dollar contract extension yet. The ladies simply had to settle for a mind-blowing night with a professional ballplayer. That used to be enough back in the day. Any broad who would choose a stupid baseball autographed by a future Hall of Famer instead of a send-off breakfast of homemade chocolate chip banana waffles wasn’t worth my time or attention. I don’t know, though. Jetes is quite a bit older than me and everyone in baseball knows that guys in their late 30s tend to show some age-related decline in performance. Maybe these autographed baseballs are some sort of consolation prize for their potential disappointment…

Some new bar called Sweet Caroline’s is going to open right near Fenway Park. The problem is it’s just another run-of-the-mill sports bar looking to capitalize on Red Sox game day foot traffic. How frustrating is it for you to work in a town that features bars with names like Lolita, Forum, Felt and Underbar — none of which are strip clubs?

– Joseph from Randolph

Yeah, Joe, it’s not a good situation. I gave the whole thing some serious thought before signing that extension in April. Analysts are always doing calculations about how much free agents can save by signing with teams in income tax-free states like Florida. But, honestly, by playing in a priggish city like Boston for the last five years I’ve probably offset those savings by three or four hundred large. I’m just guessing, but it would probably be pretty difficult to drop a significant chunk of change at some knockoff watering hole named after a bad Neil Diamond song.

How much of your $1 million signing bonus from the Red Sox did you request be paid out in single dollar bills?

– Michelle from Uxbridge

See above, Michelle. I’ve left those days behind. Okay, fine. Five hundred thousand, but I still have a couple stacks left…

Major League Baseball recently sent a memo out regarding some tightening to the dress code for media members at the ballpark. With specific new regulations on skirt lengths, some are calling out the league for sexism as it is clearly aimed at female bombshell “journalists” like Ines Sains and, although she’s gone now, reporters like former NESN icon Heidi Watney. This is clearly a step in the wrong direction for a league with as many antiquated rules as MLB, right?

– Jonathan from Wellesley

You’re absolutely right, Jon. I’ve always been a proponent of dames being able to express themselves through their choice of clothing or occasional lack thereof. We need to let these broads make some decisions for themselves. What is this, the 1920s? Anyway. Forget about Kelly Shoppach. I’m pretty sure these new “guidelines” are the real reason behind Jason Varitek’s likely retirement.

Thanks for the questions, you guys. Happy Holidays.

Archives: Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: August Stretch Run Edition

Sources say Red Sox close to signing Mystery Guy to multi-year, multi-million-dollar deal

Drop everything. The Red Sox are opening up their checkbook, front office insiders confirmed Tuesday night.

The Red Sox have made an unofficial official offer to a Mystery Guy, say sources who likewise shan’t be named.

Readers may or may not be acquainted with this Mystery Guy, who played for another team last year.

In the photo above, new Sox GM Ben Cherington talks to the media about something completely unrelated to the Mystery Guy.

A growing number of insiders believe the Mystery Guy is going to be coming to Boston to play for the Red Sox–as long as he doesn’t sign with several other teams also reported to be in the running for the services of this Mystery Guy. Those teams include, but may not be limited to, the Arizona Diamondbacks, Atlanta Braves, Baltimore Orioles, Chicago White Sox, Chicago Cubs, Colorado Rockies, Cincinnati Reds, Houston Astros, Miami Marlins, New York Yankees, New York Mets, Texas Rangers, San Francisco Giants, Seattle Mariners and Denver Broncos.

The talking heads on television and the radio are sure going to have hours of material if the Mystery Player signs a multi-million dollar contract with the Boston Red Sox.

Scouts have already applauded the potential move as a winner.

“Obviously the Mystery Guy has a name cache that speaks for itself,” said one talent observer. “It’s not even worth going into the particulars. We can all agree that the Red Sox will be a better team with the Mystery Guy on it…as long as it’s for that specific number of years and specific amount of money that is being intermittently reported as fact and as idle speculation.”

Indeed, the number of years and money is always an important factor in any Hot Stove signing. The Winter Meetings are an ideal time for general managers to discuss the particulars of contracts with players’ agents. Presumably, Cherington has had extended conversations with the agent representing the Mystery Guy. Surely, the Mystery Guy wouldn’t be rumored to be coming to the team if that were not the case.

Red Sox fans are already sounding off on the merits and shortcomings of the Mystery Guy.

“Mystery Guy is exactly the kind of player this team needs right now,” said Bert Smith as he strolled through Kenmore Square Tuesday evening.

“I’m not so sure,” said Smith’s friend, Edward. “I can’t think of the names of the Other Guys right now, but Mystery Guy wouldn’t be my first choice. Oh well. Is there any chance that all these reports are just complete and utter bullshit?”