Tag Archives: Lindsay Clubine

Terse Predictions: ALCS Game 1, Detroit @ Boston

Under-explained predictions for tonight’s ALCS Game 1 at Fenway Park, ranked roughly in the order each will be confirmed or debunked.

1. David Ross will hit a home run sometime in the middle innings (4th through 6th).

2. Jon Lester will pitch less than 6 innings and will labor through 110+ pitches, but will record a victory.

3. Jacoby Ellsbury will steal two bases.

4. Prince Fielder will hit a home run over the visitor’s bullpen. A solo shot.

5. Clay Buchholz’s wife Lindsay Clubine will show up with the couple’s infant daughter during the second inning and sit in her usual seat behind home plate. She will exit before the game prior to the end of the 6th inning.

6. Craig Breslow will pitch the equivalent of a full inning in the game.

7. Koji Uehara will pitch in the game and will record an out total other than three.

Bonus: Nobody is going to purchase that opened copy of Fever Pitch that Curt Schilling is trying to pawn off as part of his estate sale.

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Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Red Hot Summer Edition

Red Sox pitcher Clay Buchholz is on a roll thus far in 2010. He’s 10-4 with a sub-3.00 ERA and appears to be putting together an All-Star-caliber season. Using his instinctive guile, Clay is tearing through batting orders the same way he used to plow through women before marrying model Lindsay Clubine last fall. Even amidst preparations for the birth of his firstborn child, Buchholz found some time to impart some of his pimping wisdom to his faithful fans at Fenway Pastoral.


Clay, what’s the deal with NESN Sportsdesk anchor Jade McCarthy’s mole located above her top lip? At times, I’m able to rationalize it as a Cindy Crawford-esque beauty mark, but just as often it just seems like a regrettably-placed distraction. Help?

– Andrew from Plymouth

I’m not a big fan of facial blemishes, Andrew. Whenever I turn on NESN and Jade and Her Mole are on the screen, I imagine that she is wearing one of those sexy silver stud rings some girls have pierced onto their faces. Usually, when you see a chick who has a weird piercing like that on her lip or nose or (obviously) her tongue, it means she’s gonna be pretty wild when you get down to rolling around in the hay with her.

Clay, you managed to impregnate your wife within a couple months or so of marriage. But Sox owner John Henry was married to his wife/muse for nearly a year before he was able to slip one past the goalie. What gives?

– Lynn from Chatham

Well, Lynn, I can’t say for sure, but it’s probably all the energy drinks and protein shakes. Also, there are certain positions that I like my partner to be able to contort herself into that are more conducive to getting a broad pregnant. Honestly, Mr. Henry is kinda old, so I hope he didn’t try any of my moves.


Clay, I’m 17 years old and pretty new to the … “dating” scene. Whenever I’m in the throes of the moment in the bedroom, I find it useful to think about baseball when delaying arrival at the finish line. This method must not work for you since you’re probably always thinking baseball all the time anyway, right?

– Brett from Lexington

Brett, I spend six-plus months in a major league locker room. I see a lot of dudes parading around in towels on a daily basis and they’re not all svelte guys in their primes. I’ve got plenty of ammunition to slow down the clock if I really need it. But in all honesty, dude, why are you trying to delay the inevitable? You’re young. Relax and let the game come to you. You can’t move onto the next batter until you’ve gotten the one at the plate out. Also, throwing a few side sessions in the “bullpen” in between starts might help a young player like yourself find the proper rhythm.

What, exactly, did Jason Varitek get himself into with Heidi Watney? The guy romances her a few times and the next thing he knows, the chick is scurrying over to him every time she needs a player to toss her a bone with some throwaway quote on camera.
– Jeff from Manchester

All I can say about that situation is I feel bad for poor ‘Tek. Generally speaking, a man should always make it clear to a female from the get-go whether he sees her as a full-time starter or just a situational reliever.

Clay, I was at a gentleman’s club in Austin last week getting a lap dance when I noticed that the woman taking care of me had a small tattoo of the New York Yankees logo just to the left of her landing strip. I, uh, immediately wilted like A-Rod in October and actually cut the dance short before the end of the 20 minutes I’d paid for. What’s the etiquette in that situation? I already paid for about twice the amount of time she was with me, but she seemed peeved I didn’t give her a tip on top of my wasted up-front fee.

– Gerald from Bangor

You did the right thing cutting the dance short, Gerald. But really, it sounds like your laziness lead to some buyer’s remorse. You should always make sure you get a good overview of the lady offering you a private dance before shelling out any dough. Next time, have the dame do a few twirls in front of you to get a better idea what you’re getting into. It’s OK to say no and if any other strippers are around, they’ll appreciate your discerning tastes.

Click here to read the Valentine’s Day edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read last October’s edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Valentine’s Day Edition

Red Sox pitcher and notorious ladies’ man Clay Buchholz hung up his pimping cleats last November when he married Deal or No Deal model Lindsay Clubine. Now that he’s off the market, he’s answering some reader questions about the fairer sex and dating life.

Clay,
Is it safe to go on a date with a girl who I met through Facebook?

–Doug from Lynnfield

Absolutely, Doug. Back in the day, I took a few birds out who I met through an online alias. Just be careful of women with extensive profiles on social networking sites. They’re usually exhibitionists (which is awesome) but they also tend to be pretty self-involved and will probably have a lot to say even on a first/blind date. To counteract this, make sure you take anyone you meet on MySpace or Ashley Madison or wherever else to a club that plays loud house music. After a couple pours of Grey Goose, her get-to-know-me conversation will just sound like part of the bass line and you can just nod your head along with the beat.


Clay
Please rank the MTV Jersey Shore girls from hottest to ugliest.

–Hal from Somerville

Hal, this one’s easy. Of the four Jersey Shore broads, JWoww is the only one who is my type. She has several tattoos, she likes to party and she wasn’t afraid to upgrade areas of her body that needed work. And I totally related to what she was saying about generally wanting to rip a guy’s head off praying mantis-style after she’s slept with him. I actually had a woman try that on me one time and it’s kind of a turn-on. The other young ladies on the show are too needy (Snooki), too wholesome (Sammi) or too sticky (Angelina). Ranking them would be like comparing the No. 5 starters in the low minors. I’m a professional baseball player–chicks like that might as well be dudes as far as I’m concerned. But I’d let any of them videotape one of my threesomes.


Clay,

Have you ever gone past the point of what would be termed a ‘professional relationship’ with any female beat writers or television reporters?

–Tyrus from Springfield

Those records are sealed, my friend. But let’s just say that last season I began to notice certain reporters seemed to have the night off when I was on the mound.


Clay,
I was recently getting ‘intimate’ with a girl one night when I realized she was wearing granny panties. It would be one thing if she was some 40-year-old cougar, but this girl was only 19 years old.

–Thomas from Sudbury

Wow, ace, that’s a tough one. If you ask me, it’s a disappointment when a girl decides to wear underwear at all. It seems so old-fashioned. I have to assume this girl was on the dreaded 5-day disabled list. But either way, I’d say this can’t be a good sign. I hope you have a solid left-handed relief specialist in your bullpen…


Clay,
Have you ever seen Amalie Benjamin with her glasses off?

–Martin from Kingston, R.I.

Hahahahaha…Next question.

Clay,
Which American League city has the most attractive female fan base?

–Adam from Southie

There’s usually a lot of ladies ready to party in Anaheim whenever we’re in town to play the Angels. Most of them are “aspiring actresses” looking to take a ballplayer home or at least get one of their boobs signed. It’s harmless fun and I always look forward to our trips out west. Of course, when you’re in LA, you gotta make sure Brad Penny didn’t get to the girl first. They’re never the same after he’s through with them. There are also lots of women who throw themselves at me down in St. Petersburg, although most of them are old enough to be my mother. I’ve gotta say that Toronto is the best city, though. The girls are pretty hot, they’re foreign and the Rogers Centre has those hotel rooms attached to the outfield so you don’t even have to leave the ballpark to get lucky. As for women from Kansas City, well, I’d rather ride all the way down to Ft. Myers in the back of the equipment truck than take one of those slam pigs out to some expensive steakhouse. Maybe I’ll feel differently after I’ve played through my arbitration years.

Click here to read last October’s edition of Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag.