Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Valentine’s Day Edition

Red Sox pitcher and notorious ladies’ man Clay Buchholz hung up his pimping cleats last November when he married Deal or No Deal model Lindsay Clubine. Now that he’s off the market, he’s answering some reader questions about the fairer sex and dating life.

Clay,
Is it safe to go on a date with a girl who I met through Facebook?

–Doug from Lynnfield

Absolutely, Doug. Back in the day, I took a few birds out who I met through an online alias. Just be careful of women with extensive profiles on social networking sites. They’re usually exhibitionists (which is awesome) but they also tend to be pretty self-involved and will probably have a lot to say even on a first/blind date. To counteract this, make sure you take anyone you meet on MySpace or Ashley Madison or wherever else to a club that plays loud house music. After a couple pours of Grey Goose, her get-to-know-me conversation will just sound like part of the bass line and you can just nod your head along with the beat.

Clay
Please rank the MTV Jersey Shore girls from hottest to ugliest.

–Hal from Somerville

Hal, this one’s easy. Of the four Jersey Shore broads, JWoww is the only one who is my type. She has several tattoos, she likes to party and she wasn’t afraid to upgrade areas of her body that needed work. And I totally related to what she was saying about generally wanting to rip a guy’s head off praying mantis-style after she’s slept with him. I actually had a woman try that on me one time and it’s kind of a turn-on. The other young ladies on the show are too needy (Snooki), too wholesome (Sammi) or too sticky (Angelina). Ranking them would be like comparing the No. 5 starters in the low minors. I’m a professional baseball player–chicks like that might as well be dudes as far as I’m concerned. But I’d let any of them videotape one of my threesomes.

Clay,
Have you ever gone past the point of what would be termed a ‘professional relationship’ with any female beat writers or television reporters?

–Tyrus from Springfield

Those records are sealed, my friend. But let’s just say that last season I began to notice certain reporters seemed to have the night off when I was on the mound.

Clay,
I was recently getting ‘intimate’ with a girl one night when I realized she was wearing granny panties. It would be one thing if she was some 40-year-old cougar, but this girl was only 19 years old.

–Thomas from Sudbury

Wow, ace, that’s a tough one. If you ask me, it’s a disappointment when a girl decides to wear underwear at all. It seems so old-fashioned. I have to assume this girl was on the dreaded 5-day disabled list. But either way, I’d say this can’t be a good sign. I hope you have a solid left-handed relief specialist in your bullpen…

Clay,
Have you ever seen Amalie Benjamin with her glasses off?

–Martin from Kingston, R.I.

Hahahahaha…Next question.

Clay,
Which American League city has the most attractive female fan base?

–Adam from Southie

There’s usually a lot of ladies ready to party in Anaheim whenever we’re in town to play the Angels. Most of them are “aspiring actresses” looking to take a ballplayer home or at least get one of their boobs signed. It’s harmless fun and I always look forward to our trips out west. Of course, when you’re in LA, you gotta make sure Brad Penny didn’t get to the girl first. They’re never the same after he’s through with them. There are also lots of women who throw themselves at me down in St. Petersburg, although most of them are old enough to be my mother. I’ve gotta say that Toronto is the best city, though. The girls are pretty hot, they’re foreign and the Rogers Centre has those hotel rooms attached to the outfield so you don’t even have to leave the ballpark to get lucky. As for women from Kansas City, well, I’d rather ride all the way down to Ft. Myers in the back of the equipment truck than take one of those slam pigs out to some expensive steakhouse. Maybe I’ll feel differently after I’ve played through my arbitration years.

Click here to read last October’s edition of Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag.