As news that the Boston Red Sox had traded Jon Lester to Oakland for right-handed Cuban slugger Yoenis Cespedes rippled through the airwaves early Thursday, club officials were busy solidifying plans to “renovate” the 37-foot Green Monster left field wall at Fenway Park for the 2015 season.
Blueprints of final construction are still in the works, but several sources have confirmed that the team has apparently decided to keep its coveted Green Monster as a Fenway landmark while also reaping the benefit of a decidedly short porch in left field.
The club source balked at the idea that the planned renovation has anything to do with Cespedes’ arrival in Boston.
“Don’t worry. We will still have the same set-up as far as the popular Monster seats are concerned,” confirmed one team source. “The seats will just begin a bit, uh, lower to the ground…And the first row currently won’t be the first row anymore. Oh, and we’re finally going to get rid of that lame manually operated scoreboard.”
Said another creative PR guru: “Have you seen how high up those Monster seats are situated? They’re dangerous. We’re really ashamed we didn’t act sooner on this. Fan safety is a key priority for this ballclub. Next season, if you slip and fall from the current ‘front row,’ you’ll simply tumble down some stairs that span 15 or 20 rows.”
Meanwhile, the historical implications of altering a nationally recognizable landmark is being downplayed.
As one official explained, “Look, we understand the historical significance and all that. But let’s be real here. Offense is down league-wide. What is everyone getting all up in arms for? Major League Baseball should be thanking us for being so proactive.”
Several of the lazier scouts around professional baseball have also applauded the move with verve.
“I’m getting pretty sick of having to figure out if some guy playing left field in a cookie-cutter minor league park can handle the challenges of playing ricochets and wall-balls. Computers are going to be figuring all that out in a few years anyway. So why am I even wasting the effort?”
As for lost advertising revenue from lesser square footage of wall space in the park, the club already has the answer.
“Fifth inning, everybody gets a free magnet schedule to hold up sign placards that spell out Covidien. Seventh inning stretch, same thing – another magnet schedule – and everybody holds up a really cool sign that spells out Foxwoods.”
Asked for a rough sketch of what the seats may look like, an inside source sent along this graphic:
When informed that he’d sent along a Hit Chart for Cespedes’ first three seasons in the big leagues, the official responded with a simple, “Ooops.”
Fenway Pastoral 