Tag Archives: Adrian Gonzalez

Governor Patrick infuriated nobody told him about the Adrian Gonzalez trade

The blockbuster deal that sent Adrian Gonzalez from San Diego to Boston in exchange for three Red Sox prospects had the region buzzing at a feverish pitch back in early December.

Unfortunately, somebody—or everybody—forgot to alert The Governor.

As the nominative head honcho of a state that hemorrhaged jobs over the past two years, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick says he would have done everything in his power to block the “3-for-1” deal between the Red Sox and Padres.

“This deal, which I cannot believe I am just hearing about now nearly four months later, is a symbolic disaster for our state’s psyche,” Patrick told Fenway Pastoral earlier this week from a jet flying over the Atlantic Ocean. “If we continue to lose three jobs for every one we gain, the entire state of Massachusetts will be on welfare by…Well, I’m not sure how soon, but probably pretty darn soon.”

Patrick apparently first learned of the blockbuster deal late last week, just days after Gonzalez played in his first spring training game due to an extended recovery process stemming from offseason shoulder surgery.

Now, he’s demanding some answers from Red Sox owner John Henry.

“I’d like Mr. Henry to explain to the good people of Massachusetts how he can justify shipping three fine, hard-working blue collar workers (Casey Kelly, Anthony Rizzo and Reymond Fuentes) out to San Diego for but one, already handsomely paid employee from California.”

Patrick scoffed when told all three prospects played out-of-state in 2010 as part of the Red Sox organization’s minor league affiliates in Greenville, S.C. (in Rizzo’s case) and Portland, Maine.

“I’ve glanced over the projections. The fact is all three of those guys would have likely been tax-paying workers residing in Massachusetts within the next three years,” says Patrick. “Theo Epstein should be fired for orchestrating such a crooked deal and the ownership group should be levied a heavy fine for this heist.”

The Governor was not finished.

“Curt Schilling should be punished as well. I’m positive he had something to do with this,” he fumed. “He should be ashamed of himself.”

Told of Gonzalez’s beautiful, inside-out batting stroke from the left side of the plate that should nicely complement right-handed Kevin Youkilis, Patrick only sounded more infuriated.

“Well that’s great, but who the heck are they going to get to play left field now that Jason Bay is gone?”

Time to wrap a bow around this near perfect offseason, John Henry

That’s great work, John Henry. Bravo. Speedy and Gonzalez in Sox uniforms. This has been like Christmas in December.

Your boy Theo has truly come into his own. He resisted the urge to get in a bidding war with the Yankees for Mark Teixeira two years ago, thus opening the door for the Adrian Gonzalez deal and the Carl Crawford signing. The planned improvements to Fenway Park for 2011 look solid and even Jason Varitek’s one-year deal is difficult to argue against given the existing depth at the position.

Yup, all around, this offseason is about as close to perfect as rational fans could possibly expect of their baseball team. There are only a handful of opportunities for further improvement, John.

Grease Mayor Menino’s palms: Look, this is embarrassing. Boston is a world-class city of culture, renowned artists, top-notch hospitals, esteemed universities and restaurants owned by Nick Varano. There is no good reason why fans in the “budget” grandstand, loge and bleacher sections shouldn’t have the option of purchasing beer without leaving their seat. People like to drink beer. People like to act rowdy and fight. Both are going to happen regardless of how inconvenient the organization makes it for middle class people to purchase alcohol. Business owners with a fraction of your wealth manipulate the city ordinance system all the time obtaining licenses to get their loyal patrons drunk. We’ll even set up the breakfast on Beacon Hill and buy the unmarked security envelope for you if you’d like. How about a nice brunch somewhere near the park? You can bring home the sliced cantaloupe and surprise Linda. She’ll love it.

Stay away from Liverpool for a little while: It’s not that Sox fans are jealous. But you should give those Reds fans some time to cool off. They seem pretty pissed. Apparently, they already had their grape smugglers in a twist last week over the sum of money given to Crawford and Gonzalez. Just wait until they hear about Bobby Jenks…

Establish a “Mustaches Only” facial hair ordinance: Kevin Youkilis. Tim Wakefield. Adrian Gonzalez. Dustin Pedroia. Jed Lowrie. None of these guys wouldn’t look hilarious in a mustache. And if nothing else, it beats Josh Beckett and Jenks sporting matching flavor savers.

Re-sign Manny for right-hand outfield depth: You do want television ratings to be better in 2011 than 2010, no? Ramirez isn’t going anywhere for big money this year and he’s likely to be available at a relative discount sometime before spring training. Seriously, signing Manny actually makes enough sense that if can’t be dismissed outright. We’d be willing to bet Epstein has broached the subject with you already. The lineup is lefty-heavy and the outfield needs a right-handed bat. Darnell McDonald will understand; Gerry Callahan won’t. But really, nine out of 10 scouts are bearish on Danny Woodhead’s chances of improving his outside-zone swing rates and becoming the next Bo Jackson.

Fix the bullet holes and busted concrete on the lower concourse: Chuckie and Don Draper both have wicked bad aim.

Double burgers at the Fenway Grill will only set fans back $10.50 next season.

Bringing ‘Dirty Water’ Back into the City of Boston

Depending on who you ask, it was either one disaster or one catastrophe after another for Bostonians over the weekend. A ruptured metal collar caused a large breach in the pipe system that supplies the city with its drinking water. Meanwhile, the Red Sox put the finishing touches on allowing a disastrous sweep at the hands of the Baltimore Orioles.

All this happened while two million residents adhered to “boil water” orders and a hellishly cruel halt on sales of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee—a quality of life issue that is the baseball equivalent of being forced to cheer for the Kansas City Royals.

Some parallels of Beantown’s double-headed crisis:

Adrian Gonzalez and bottled water: The people clamoring for Theo Epstein to mortgage the club’s future in a panic trade for Adrian Gonzalez are the same morons overbuying cases of Poland Springs water as they brace for an impending apocalypse in which—horror of horrors—they may be forced to boil drinking water for a couple of days. Meanwhile, taking into account the current makeup of the major league roster and the bulk of future talent in the minor leagues, at least half the clubs in major league baseball would gladly trade positions with the Red Sox. Overreactions to one month of mediocrity are as embarrassing as the bomb-shelter mindset of many Greater Boston residents over the last two days.  The people in underdeveloped third world countries without running water would drink Chestnut Hill Reservoir’s so-called pond water as though it were the nectar of the Gods. They would nurse those cartoonish 45-ounce bottles of Fiji water like it was 50-year-old Scotch.

Yankees fans and rat bastards living in Cambridge: These people always find some way to be obnoxious. While residents in the Back Bay drink tinny-tasting water out of spaghetti pots, those Fresh Pond-drinking liberals across the Charles smugly hydrate themselves worry-free as though it were some sort of birthright. They aren’t getting any of the bottled water that Boston hoarded if the same thing happens to them this summer. Similarly, let’s see how good the Yankees look when injuries start assaulting their old, brittle starting lineup later this summer.

Darnell McDonald and bleach: Sprinkling a few drops of bleach into the water sanitizes it just enough to make it usable for washing dishes or dirty hands. Psychologically, it’s about as desirable as starting a 31-year-old journeyman in center-field, but it will do the trick in the short term. A few months from now, if the Red Sox right the ship, we’ll be able to laugh and say “remember when Darnell McDonald was getting big hits in high leverage situations and we had to boil our drinking water?

Advocates of Daisuke Matsuzaka and people who drink tap water: Tap water drinkers who thumb their noses at people who “waste” money on bottled water should stick to their guns and ignore all those signs warning against drinking from the faucet. There’s only something like 3-5% more fecal matter and bacteria in the backup supply compared to the normal levels in Quabbin’s main pool. Similarly, those hanging onto the hope that Dice-K still has something left to offer his team may be tempted to re-evaluate their opinions based on his feces-like performance on Saturday (4 2/3 innings, 7 hits, 2 HRs, 3 BBs, 4 Ks). But that would be extremely shortsighted and hypocritical. Drink your poop water and hope the Dice Man turns it around on Thursday night.

Aramark and price gouging retailers: The state is vowing to crack down on local businesses who try to take advantage of the relative spike in demand for bottled water versus a quickly diminishing supply. Based on these standards, fans in Fenway Park for the upcoming 10-game home stand shouldn’t expect to pay more than $10.00 for a 20-ounce bottle of Aquafina. Any price higher than that will be considered overcharging customers for the sake of profit.

The local media and…the local media: Nothing bolsters ratings and newspaper sales like a good, old-fashioned poor start to the baseball season coupled with some relatively minor inconveniences that can be overblown by the media under the guise of providing a public service.