BOSTON, Mass–The Boston Globe did an outstanding job earlier this week of getting the scoop on exactly how delectable the new Kayem-produced Fenway Franks will taste this season. Bringing the public this type of information before its competitors has long separated the broadsheet from its evidently inferior competitors. The story’s main sources, Fenway and Kayem marketing executives, provided the following information about the Official Hot Dog of the Red Sox:
“(The) hot dogs begin as large cuts of meat that go through the grinder, get blended with spices such as garlic, onion, and mustard, and then are cooled with a special process so the juiciness is preserved. The meat then gets stuffed into casings, twisted, and hung, and cooked in a smoker, chilled, and dried. The hot dogs are then shot through machines that remove casings, and as the franks move down the production line, inspectors pick off any imperfect ones before the hot dogs make it out of the factory.”
Note: The story’s reporter was kind enough to remove the “For Immediate Release” and public relations contact information that preceded the information above.
Fenway Pastoral sees no reason for honest, hard-working marketing folks to steer fans away from the truth about their products being delicious. Nonetheless, while Boston area police occupied themselves helping old ladies cross the street and parking illegally, we were able to stealthily obtain a limited number of the new frankfurters that will be sold throughout the park this season. The pilfered dogs were cooked in lukewarm water for nearly two minutes and taste tests were subsequently served to unsuspecting, delightfully surprised citizens throughout the metro Boston area.
Outside Government Center, several men identifying themselves as Red Sox enthusiasts jumped at the chance to participate in the sneak-taste. Throwing away a homemade sandwich made by his wife, accountant Bill Tierney gave his hot dog two thumbs up. “Oh yeah…this is a hot dog. Am I going to be in a commercial?”
Staffing specialist Jim Kolb, who took his with mustard and relish, asked for another. “Man, this really tastes like winner! I don’t usually yell this loud, but this is really freaking good!”
After some coaxing, business consultant Margaret Schulman agreed to give one a try as she passed through Downtown Crossing. “You can definitely taste all the work that went into making this. Kayem obviously did a lot of work perfecting the flavors of its hot dog. Is there a hint of hickory in this?”
Told that they were eating the very same brand of hot dog as those enjoyed by team owner John Henry and general manager Theo Epstein, some tasters became downright giddy. Taking a bite out of one end of his dog, Peter Gallagher entered a transformative state: “If he is able to correct his arm slot and continue to mature mentally, Clay Buchholz projects as a top of the rotation starter for us for years to come, employing a plus-fastball and a wicked breaking ball.”
Surprisingly, not everyone was on board with the new taste. Robert McDonald, a former concessions vendor at Fenway Park, declined to even try the new tubesteak. “I worked a grill under the bleachers for 10 years. I wouldn’t put that thing in Jenna Jameson’s mouth while wearing condoms on my fingers.” When asked to elaborate, McDonald declined.
Despite McDonald’s minority opinion, the new Franks figure to be more popular than the recently defunct Conigliaro’s Corner. The icing on the cake, according to economists, is that tubular meat has proven to be exceptionally recession-proof, an important consideration during such lean times.
“We’re projecting a 4% rise in hot dog sales at Fenway Park this year,” said Ed Napolitano, an analyst for BallPark Food Metrics LLC. “That’s a very impressive increase and it would likely be even higher if we were to adjust the data to exclude the statistical noise from the sale of footlongs.”