Category Archives: Hot Dogs

Fenway/Kenmore residents infuriated over extension of “Fenway Family Hour”

BOSTON, Mass.–Fenway and Kenmore Square area residents are livid over the Boston Red Sox’ announcement Tuesday that hour-long discounts on food concessions will continue throughout the month of May:

Fenway Family Hour, a joint effort between the Red Sox and ARAMARK, was launched in April.  During the month of May, nine popular food items will again be available at up to 50% off in price, including: Fenway Franks, pizza slices, pretzels, popcorn, cotton candy, fruit cups, veggie cups, slider boat (two sliders & fries), and Hoodsie ice cream cups.  The discount is available at all locations throughout the ballpark and there is no limit on the number of items purchased. 

It is a “first hour” provision that has residents particularly upset at the extension, which would seemingly appear to be nothing more than a gesture of good faith by the team to cash-strapped fans. The fine print within the promotion dictates that the discounts are only available for the first hour after the gates are opened (i.e. 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. for a 1 o’clock start). The undesired result, residents say, is a push by fans to arrive for games as early as possible.

“These games are all-day events now,” said 43-year-old Maryanne Donahue as she sat outside her apartment on Park Drive. “Fans are showing up in the area four or five hours before the game even starts so they can get a parking spot and tailgate or go to the bar for a couple hours before the gates open. It’s the Kentucky Derby here every night now.”

Ted Crane, a 25-year resident of the Kenmore Square area, says he’s also noticed an earlier influx of Red Sox fans on game nights this season as compared to prior years.

“These families with a bunch of kids are showing up with their hats and jerseys and novelty license plates…They gotta make sure they’re inside the park for the full hour of half-price food,” says Crane. “And I’ll tell you something else, they’re eating like it’s the Last Supper. Ice cream, hot dogs — sliders, for crissakes, sliders! At Fenway Park! — I’ve had to hose down vomit on the sidewalk in front of my building almost every day.”

As many as 100 Fenway/Kenmore residents have banded together in petitioning Boston Mayor Thomas Menino to order the Red Sox to cease its “Fenway Family Hour” plans for May.

“One month of this was enough,” says Maura Mastarrono, a superintendent of a building on Boylston St. near the park. “With the weather getting warmer in May, I can only imagine fans are going to be filing into the city even earlier in the day. The Landsdowne crowd? I see them strolling into those watering holes at 9 a.m. now so they can get a buzz going before scarfing down a bunch of cheap food.”

City officials did not return repeated requests for comment. However, a Boston Police Department spokesperson assured Fenway Pastoral that, “We have procedures in place for controlling public gluttony and ensuring that the presence of delicious, affordably priced food is not abused.”

Exclusive: New Frankfurters Are A Hit

BOSTON, Mass–The Boston Globe did an outstanding job earlier this week of getting the scoop on exactly how delectable the new Kayem-produced Fenway Franks will taste this season. Bringing the public this type of information before its competitors has long separated the broadsheet from its evidently inferior competitors. The story’s main sources, Fenway and Kayem marketing executives, provided the following information about the Official Hot Dog of the Red Sox:

“(The) hot dogs begin as large cuts of meat that go through the grinder, get blended with spices such as garlic, onion, and mustard, and then are cooled with a special process so the juiciness is preserved. The meat then gets stuffed into casings, twisted, and hung, and cooked in a smoker, chilled, and dried. The hot dogs are then shot through machines that remove casings, and as the franks move down the production line, inspectors pick off any imperfect ones before the hot dogs make it out of the factory.”

Note: The story’s reporter was kind enough to remove the “For Immediate Release” and public relations contact information that preceded the information above.

Fenway Pastoral sees no reason for honest, hard-working marketing folks to steer fans away from the truth about their products being delicious. Nonetheless, while Boston area police occupied themselves helping old ladies cross the street and parking illegally, we were able to stealthily obtain a limited number of the new frankfurters that will be sold throughout the park this season. The pilfered dogs were cooked in lukewarm water for nearly two minutes and taste tests were subsequently served to unsuspecting, delightfully surprised citizens throughout the metro Boston area.

Outside Government Center, several men identifying themselves as Red Sox enthusiasts jumped at the chance to participate in the sneak-taste. Throwing away a homemade sandwich made by his wife, accountant Bill Tierney gave his hot dog two thumbs up. “Oh yeah…this is a hot dog. Am I going to be in a commercial?”

Staffing specialist Jim Kolb, who took his with mustard and relish, asked for another. “Man, this really tastes like winner! I don’t usually yell this loud, but this is really freaking good!”

After some coaxing, business consultant Margaret Schulman agreed to give one a try as she passed through Downtown Crossing. “You can definitely taste all the work that went into making this. Kayem obviously did a lot of work perfecting the flavors of its hot dog. Is there a hint of hickory in this?”

Told that they were eating the very same brand of hot dog as those enjoyed by team owner John Henry and general manager Theo Epstein, some tasters became downright giddy. Taking a bite out of one end of his dog, Peter Gallagher entered a transformative state: “If he is able to correct his arm slot and continue to mature mentally, Clay Buchholz projects as a top of the rotation starter for us for years to come, employing a plus-fastball and a wicked breaking ball.”

Surprisingly, not everyone was on board with the new taste. Robert McDonald, a former concessions vendor at Fenway Park, declined to even try the new tubesteak. “I worked a grill under the bleachers for 10 years. I wouldn’t put that thing in Jenna Jameson’s mouth while wearing condoms on my fingers.” When asked to elaborate, McDonald declined.

Despite McDonald’s minority opinion, the new Franks figure to be more popular than the recently defunct Conigliaro’s Corner. The icing on the cake, according to economists, is that tubular meat has proven to be exceptionally recession-proof, an important consideration during such lean times.

“We’re projecting a 4% rise in hot dog sales at Fenway Park this year,” said Ed Napolitano, an analyst for BallPark Food Metrics LLC. “That’s a very impressive increase and it would likely be even higher if we were to adjust the data to exclude the statistical noise from the sale of footlongs.”