Monthly Archives: January 2011

Boston clearly has a case of team mascot depravity on its hands.

In an unwelcome attempt to lure NESN Daily co-anchor Jade McCarthy into a behind-the-scoreboard rendezvous earlier this week, Red Sox fan favorite Wally the Green Monster has reportedly sent a nude photograph of his green-haired body, sporting nothing but his trademark Red Sox hat and a smile.

McCarthy wasn’t entirely sure what she was looking at Monday morning, when she first opened the text message on her iPhone. Team officials are unsure if Wally acted alone in the impromptu photo shoot while sitting inside Fenway Park’s famous left-field wall.

Insiders say it wasn’t the first time McCarthy had received a correspondence from the cell phone number she recognized to be that of Wally the Green Monster. But past messages were typically friendly, albeit indecipherable—letters, numbers or symbols jumbled together nonsensically. The fat-fingered Wally’s inability to properly type on his mobile phone was generally dismissed as a funny quirk amongst team employees.

But evidently, Wally’s frustrations were not limited to just the functionality of his mobile device. Things finally reached boiling point earlier this week.

The Wally sexting news comes just days after professional lacrosse’s Boston Blazers mascot, Scorch, was taken to task for receiving multiple lap dances during an ill-conceived halftime show at the TD Banknorth Garden this past weekend.

Harvard psychology professor Jennifer Houston was not surprised by the mascots-behaving-badly story angle that has peaked on the local radar during the past week.

“Most of the time, these mascots are deeply troubled individuals because so much of their lives is spent rooting for causes other than their own,” she said. “How can Wally respect himself as a member of society? He represents an inanimate object constantly being peppered by hard-hit line drives. It’s really no surprise he would so callously treat women with such insensitivity.”

Meanwhile, Houston sounded only vaguely hopeful the incident wouldn’t scar the talented McCarthy.

“I’m sure what Jade saw was nothing she couldn’t have found on the Internet using basic Boolean search logic,” she said. “Heck, maybe she’s into it. But I think more likely she will look like a deer in the headlights on camera for a little while after dealing with this whole perverse ordeal.”

One Red Sox official says the team is still trying to confirm that the flowing green fur that is so abundant in the photograph is indeed Wally’s.

“We have no further comment on the issue at this time. In the meantime, we’d like to remind fans that Wally the Green Monster and the 2004 and 2007 World Series trophies will be parading through Nashua, Portland and Woonsocket this weekend. Come join in on the fun!”

Lucky the Leprechaun, who left the Celtics organization in 2009, was unavailable for comment on this story. When visited at his home unannounced, a distraught Pat the Patriot could be seen snorting angel dust off the bare stomach of a Boston Bruins Ice Girl.