Monthly Archives: May 2013

Other potential freak injury threats that the Red Sox ought to guard against

By and large, the 2013 Boston Red Sox have been pretty lucky in terms of games missed due to injury. Disabled list stints have been relatively limited compared to the myriad ailments the team dealt with during much of the 2010 and 2011 seasons.

Freak injuries, though, are a storied part of nearly every baseball team’s past. In fact, Clay Buchholz’s AC joint ailment is hardly the first time a Boston pitcher has supposedly suffered an injury in a bedroom.

Rumor had it years ago that former Sox pitcher Paxton Crawford fell off his bed and onto a glass in Toronto, losing a couple pints of blood. (Whether you’d like to believe that a hooker “helped” him find his way onto that broken glass is a matter of personal slant that we won’t judge in this here space. However, just to be safe, it never hurts to pay for a woman’s escort service in the currency of her choosing.)

Anyway, it may be useful for the Red Sox to be mindful of the potential for these types of injuries in the future. For instance, any of the scenarios described below could easily sneak up at any given time and derail a promising 2013 campaign.

Uehara

Shane Victorino: The bubbly, rambunctious Koji Uehara takes things too far when he incorporates brass knuckles into his normally playful post-inning dugout rough-housing routine. Predictably, Shane Victorino bears the brunt of the damage. Wary of ruining the team’s newfound camaraderie, Victorino puts on a happy face and is a good sport about the whole thing, even through multiple plastic surgery procedures. (For what it’s worth, Uehara had struck out the side on nine pitches.)

J Dell

Mike Napoli: A pop up is lofted into right-field foul territory at Fenway, directly over Canvas Alley. First baseman Napoli assumes he can sell out and goes after it headfirst because it looks as though the natural cushioning provided by NESN reporter Jenny Dell’s amply-sized breasts will catch his fall. However, the NESN reporter’s bosoms wind up dealing Napoli a boulder-like blow to the skull and he suffers a concussion.

Applebees

Jackie Bradley, Jr.: Pumped up about his recent promotion back to the big club, Bradley once again visits the Applebee’s in Times Square prior to the finale of Boston’s three-game set at Yankee Stadium on Sunday. Good ol’ standby, “intestinal turmoil,” lands poor JBJ on the 15-day DL and he is asked to take a separate plane back to Logan.

Stephen Drew: A witch sneaks into Stephen’s hotel room in the middle of the night and swaps his spinal column with that of his older brother, J.D., which recent MRIs have indicated is comparable to an 85-year-old.

Boras

Jacoby Ellsbury: After going 5-for-5 with a pair of homers and three stolen bases against Houston in August, Scott Boras sends in some cronies to kidnap Ellsbury so that he ends his season on an positive note heading into unrestricted free agency. The ransom price is set high enough that the Red Sox can’t afford it without exceeding the luxury tax threshold for the year. Ellsbury is forced to laminate all 300 pages in his Boras Binder while holed up in a small cage somewhere in Mexico.

Alfredo Aceves: An enterprising blogger creates a GIF animation overlaying replays of all 1,746 pitches thrown by Aceves throughout the first half of the season leading up to the All-Star break. Alfredo becomes so mesmerized by the animation that he cannot stop watching it. He becomes convinced that he has the ability to recreate a moment in which he actually throws all of his pitches at the same time. The project quickly proves a massive failure and Aceves retires from the sport.

David Ortiz: Due to a bookkeeping error, Major League Baseball tests Big Papi for PEDs a record 15 times over the course of three days and Ortiz is eventually so depleted of blood and vital nutrients that he is checked into Mass General. Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy waits patiently at Papi’s bedside to ask the tough questions.

MLB: Boston Red Sox at New York Yankees

Jonny Gomes: Sporting a shaved head and beard almost identical to Mike Napoli’s, Gomes wakes up one morning and becomes confused as to his true identity. The Red Sox roll with the whole thing for a while, but with Gomes sporting a sub-.200 OBP well into June, Boston decides to place him on the disabled list with avascular necrosis (the condition Napoli was diagnosed with this past winter). Gomes doesn’t complain.

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The Big Debate: Will fans boo former Red Sox Matt Albers, Rich Hill and Mike Aviles this weekend?

The Cleveland Indians visit Fenway Park for the first time this season on Thursday night, Game 1 of what will likely be a hotly contested four-game set.

The Indians’ 25-man roster features a laundry list of former Red Sox, including some recent Boston employees such as relievers Matt Albers and Rich Hill as well as utility infielder Mike Aviles. And lest anyone forget Justin Masterson was drafted by Boston and came up in the Red Sox system, serving as a spot starter and middle reliever before going to Cleveland in 2009 as part of the trade that netted the team Victor Martinez.

BOOOO

BOOOO!!

Already, there has been a hue and a cry over how, exactly, the slew of former Red Sox will be received in Boston now that they’re wearing enemy colors.

Local fans, some say, are notorious for holding grudges.

“Hey, look,” said Rick Davies of Ipswich. “If all those guys wanna be Indians, then we’re Cowboys…We’re cowboys from Boston and we hate Indians. We’re old school, dude. It’s just an old school rivalry.”

BOOOO!!

HISSSSS!!

It is, of course, a fair question to ask how much of a coincidence it could be that the Red Sox are seemingly so much better in 2013 than they were in 2012, when the roster included the likes of guys like Albers, Hill and Aviles.

“Character, kid. Character,” explained Richie Harwell from Norwood. “They were totally dragging the ballclub down. Bunch of bums.”

“Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but those guys were all on the 2011 Titanic disaster, weren’t they?” said Rita Jones of Haverhill.

BOOOO!!!

BOOOOOOOOO!!!

Asked to comment on this story, Red Sox President and CEO Larry Lucchino responded, “I don’t have anything to say about those guys. You’re the reporter. I suggest you go out and find some anonymous sources to say a bunch of inflammatory things about guys who have left town. They’re not playing for the Boston Red Sox anymore, so I wouldn’t know anything about whether or not they’re nice guys.”

Lucchino proceeded to lean his face in close, place his hand over one side of his mouth and say, “Or, you know, whether they’re low-character, drug-addicted, pill-popping, adulterous dirtbags who fans should boo mercilessly. I wouldn’t know a thing about anything like that.”