Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag

Boston‘s young pitching phenom Clay Buchholz will officially be off the dating market next month after he marries Deal or No Deal model Lindsay Clubine. The Red Sox star’s proclivity for dating smoking hot models has at times evoked feelings of disbelief, bewilderment and envy. Now that he’s off the prowl, Clay was nice enough to take some time out of his offseason to answer some Fenway Pastoral reader’s questions about the dating scene.

Clay,
I recently visited a strip club in Toronto and purchased an hour in the champagne room. The stripper who wound up taking care of me seemed like a nice lady and I asked her for her phone number after my hour was up, figuring it would be nice to take her out for a nice dinner somewhere in the outside world. Unfortunately, she declined and now I have a weird rash to go along with the embarrassment of rejection. What did I do wrong?

–Daniel from Everett

Rookie mistake, Dan! You can’t just show up at the strip club and expect the chick’s gonna be all about you after one freaking hour. Courting strippers takes patience and persistence. Your first time with a dancer in the champagne room should be about putting your vibe out there. Play it close to the vest and be nonchalant while she does her thing. If they sense you’re too enamored, it’s all over. Act uninterested and like you’ve been there before. Strippers hate this, but they’ll remember you the next time when you show up with enough cash to buy a bottle of Patron and her exclusive company for the rest of the night. As for the extra pine tar on your barrel, a scalding hot bath and a ton of Icy/Hot on the affected area is the best remedy for erasing a regrettable evening.

Clay,
I recently became intimate with a woman with a large tattoo of the Aerosmith logo on the small of her back that spans over the better part of her hips. I’ve heard of women with smaller, elegant tattoo designs on their ankles or shoulders, but I’m having trouble getting past the size of this thing. Is it out of line to ask her if she’d ever consider getting it removed?

–Brian from Athol

Brian, Brian, Brian…You’re kidding me, right? A broad without any tattoos on her lower back cannot be considered a true woman. This one sounds like a keeper. You should be out buying her tiny tank tops that ride up on her midsection so everyone can see her ink when she leans forward to grab her Budweiser tall-boy can from the bartender.

Clay,
What kind of music is best to play to help get a girl in the mood?

–Pete from Somerville

Thanks for writing, Pete. I’m actually engaged to be married to a Deal or No Deal model next month, but back when I was on the singles scene, it depended on the type of magazines my date had modeled for. If she was a little freaky and had some experience posing for hard core pictorials, I liked to start out with heavier cuts from bands like Pantera or Sevendust and eventually segue into some Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie. The more vanilla, wholesome models (Victoria’s Secret, JC Penney) generally listen to tamer buttrock bands like Staind and Nickelback. These chicks aren’t usually much fun and I’ve always tried to stay away from these girls unless I’m lonely and just looking for the company of some easy road beef.

Clay,
Is it OK to slip some Ecstasy into a girl’s drink at the club even if she’s already turned it down?

–Bill from Middleboro

I like where your head’s at, Bill. The reverse of this scenario actually happened to Brandon Walsh on one of my favorite episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210. He and his girlfriend Emily Valentine wound up having the time of their lives, partying until sunrise at an awesome underground rave. I haven’t pulled the E-slip on a girl in a while, but sometimes I’ll crush up a couple Ambien pills and sprinkle them in Dustin Pedroia’s Jagerbombs. That guy takes it to the limit every time we go to the club and, frankly, it’s difficult to keep up sometimes.