Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: August Stretch Run Edition

Frontline Sox starter Clay Buchholz may not pitch again in 2011 after being diagnosed with a stress fracture in his back. His potential loss for the season is a significant blow to the team and could mark the end of yet another solid year on the mound for the young right-hander. Somehow, he managed to answer some pressing questions from readers in between medical appointments and rehab sessions.

Back when he was still single, sometimes ladies' man Clay Buchholz had to get a bit creative, as shown above, in remembering if he had been with a woman the night before (AP Photo).

Clay,

What is with all this “moral compass” talk being shoved down our throats by the local media?

-Jeannie from Foxboro

I don’t know, Jeannie. I’ve been to The Moral Compass, if that’s what you mean. It’s a strip club off Route 128 and the ladies who work there are fantastic. I’m always treated like royalty there and the women are super-ethical about giving you what you pay for.

Clay,

Kathryn Tappen is headed to the NHL network. Jade McCarthy finally admitted she’s seven months pregnant and moving out of the state. And rumor has it that Heidi Watney might be leaving after the 2011 season, too. Is it just me or are the NESN studios going to be a real sausagefest next year?

-Bill from N. Attleboro

That sounds terrible, bro. I’m glad I don’t have to watch the games on TV very often. I guess I’ve got another reason to plug away at my rehab so I can get back on the field. But I wouldn’t worry too much about it. John Henry seems like the kind of dude who’s willing to open up his wallet if that’s what it takes to get some good talent on the field and in the booth. Not having a beautiful baby touting NESN Daily or whatever else the channel programs in between Sox games is like going to a strip club that doesn’t have liquor or cigarettes. It’s more than just window dressing. Those dames need to be an integral part of the viewing experience.

Clay,

Have you seen that raunchy video that was shot in 1995 by an ESPN cameraman that’s been making the rounds on the Internets? This dude and another girl are totally groping this chick while they’re standing at the railing of the roof box pretending to pay attention to the ballgame. It’s almost as provocative as anything you see on stage at Centerfolds…

-Mike from Quincy

Yeah, Mike, that was pretty crazy. I’d expect that type of thing to happen all the time in empty outfield bleachers in minor league parks. But that much rubbing and tugging at Fenway Park not involving Julio Lugo is pretty shocking. It’s always funny to look back on how baggy people wore their clothes 15 years ago, but you gotta hand it to that chick: she set herself up for easier access and those two people reaped the benefits of a high-school-style threesome. Really, though, the most troubling part of the video is that neither broad appeared to have any tattoos or interesting piercings. JC Penney denim shorts don’t count as any sexy kind of freaky in my book…

Clay,

I’ve got a problem. I’ve been seeing this girl that I met during study hall last spring and we’ve been going out this whole summer. With school starting up again soon, we’re probably going to be an official couple and all. But lately she’s been pressuring me to do something that I don’t really think I’m into. She really wants watch me eat one of those new tuna salad sandwiches from Dunkin’ Donuts. I just don’t know, though. I mean, have you ever done anything like that? Those things don’t even look appetizing when they’re done up all nice and pretty on TV. I can’t imagine what one actually tastes like…

– Bryce from Salem

That’s easily the most disgusting question I’ve ever received in one of these mailbags, Bryce.

Clay,

The state’s unemployment rate is finally heading in the right direction. Have you noticed any discernible changes in staffing levels at strip clubs?

-Patrick from Winthrop

It’s interesting, Patrick. It actually seems like the pickings are slimmer than usual. I heard a bunch of dames went back to their day jobs working at hedge funds and private equity firms. If it gets much worse, the broad-to-dude ratio is going to reach dire levels, like almost as bad as the NESN studios…

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