Tag Archives: Clay Buchholz

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Fenway Park Opening Day Edition

clayFormer ladies’ man Clay Buchholz tore up his Dance Floor Dry-Humping Club membership card a few years back. He now lives a quiet family life with his wife, reality TV bombshell Lindsay Clubbine, and their young daughter. Clay took some time out from his preparations for Monday’s Fenway home opener to provide some insight and wisdom from his glory days as a bachelor to Fenway Pastoral readers.

Clay,
April is a time of renewed hope and I’m sure you’re grateful for the fresh start. But I’m curious: If you could travel back in time and live the life of one former MLB player for just one season, who would it be?

-Albert from Scituate

Well, Albert, this one is pretty easy. It would have to be Wade Boggs in 1987. He hit 24 home runs that year without even trying and he supposedly bagged that many women in the month of April alone – also without really trying. (Showing his sensitive side by balling his eyes out in the Shea Stadium dugout at the end of the ‘86 World Series was a power move by Wade.)

WB_86_BDD_560

Unfortunately, ‘87 was the last great year for Wade before that realtor from California tried to ruin his life just because he decided he was finished with her. Really, what did she expect? He was just hitting his prime in so many ways and just crushing every pitch and bedding every broad that came into his sightline. He was a legendary carouser, a ballplayer on his way to the Hall of Fame and, oh yeah, he could drink like a hundred beers in one sitting. I mean, who else in history has embodied that many American dreams at once? I appreciate the legendary depravity of a guy like JFK but he had to make major decisions that impacted the world and stuff. Wade just chilled out with his mustache, slugged gallons and gallons of foamers and the magic came to him.

Clay,
Surprising blind dates with box seats at Fenway Park doesn’t really get the juices flowing the same way it did five years ago. Is there anyway to supplement the experience so that these women are a little more appreciative? These seats ain’t cheap…

-Frank from Salem

Frank, I get tired of lazy dudes like you who think the field box at a Red Sox game is some kind of automatic panty-dropper for some chick you met on the Internet. You guys are always the ones standing and begging for the baseball after I cover the inning’s last out at first base and head to the dugout. Like the baseball is some big teddy bear that you win at a carnival by throwing a baseball through a hole the size of a garbage can. Even worse, back in the day, dudes like you would call me after you caught some ball I’d carefully written my phone number onto and was clearly trying to throw to the broad sitting behind you during warm-ups. You need to get a clue, Frank.

Clay,
I heard about a beer and hot dog discount at Fenway Park being advertised for April home games. It sounds fantastic. Can you give me more details?

-Bob from Sudbury

Sure, Bob. The $5 beer deal is only applicable for 12-ounce pours of domestic brews like Budweiser. So unless you’re 17 years old, standing in a crowded line just to save a few bucks on a cup of watered-down beer isn’t worth it. You’ll miss half the game. Check out the full-price lines and grab a couple of the more manly 16-ouncers. Yeah, you’ll pay more but dignified dames in the box seats will take notice as you’re walking down the aisle to your seats. They’ll assume money is no object to you and, trust me, that’s what you want them to think. You see, gals are wired to be turned on by that sense of power because that was what it was like way back in the stone ages and stuff. I guarantee that when the alpha-dog cavemen got together for whatever sport was America’s past-time back then, they would not have settled for 25% less beer.

Clay,
I just got season tickets for Fenway and I’m planning on using one of those popular dating applications for smartphones that tells you where the girls who are ready to put out are located. Which area of the ballpark do you think would be a good jumping off point? Fenway isn’t really that easy to maneuver around in and reception can be kinda crappy so I’d like to be close by so I can swoop in before all the other dudes using Skout blow up my spot.

-Titus from Halifax

The weird nooks and crannies throughout the bowels of Fenway Park are part of its oft-cited charm and character. However, these same features make the ballpark a dizzying maze of walkways, ramps, stairways and green-painted cement walls. If you’re sitting in the left-field grandstand, it’s gonna be pretty hard to get close to some babe looking to party down near Tarp Alley. She’s a pipe dream at that point.

Instead of using your little pocket computer to send out signals, take the bull by the horns and draw attention to yourself the old-fashioned way: Get outrageously drunk and yell vulgar things at the opposing team’s outfielders. Go bare-chested for the last few innings and helicopter your shirt above your head like a maniac – especially if it’s like 40 degrees. At least one woman in your section will take notice and she’ll assume you’re tough because you can’t feel cold (or shame). Then, at the end of the ballgame, if we don’t pull out a win, sit in your seat and cry for a few solid minutes and stare into space as everyone is leaving. This is a desperate measure. But, hey, it worked for Wade Boggs.

Clay,
Will you pitch a perfect game this season so I can get a free mattress from Jordan’s Furniture? Just don’t be an ass and do it before July 19, OK?

-Chris from Malden

I think it would be even cooler if John Lackey pitched a perfect game through 26 batters and then threw four straight wild pitches to the backstop and dropped to the ground and pretended the infield was one big memory foam mattress. He deserves to have some fun this year.

Talk to you all again real soon.

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Spring is in the air

These days, Clay Buchholz will do just about anything he can to keep his libido in check. (Photo from the Boston Herald)

Red Sox pitcher and former ladies’ man Clay Buchholz hung up his pimping cleats a few years back after marrying and impregnating TV star Lindsay Clubbine.

Periodically, he imparts insight and wisdom from his days as a bachelor to Fenway Pastoral readers.

Clay,
Some photos recently surfaced in which Terry Francona can be seen out and about, enjoying the nightlife with a 20-year-old broad? I’m really grossed out by the whole thing. I hope the rumors aren’t true and this is all some big misunderstanding…

– Judy from Andover

Judy, you sound like you’re pretty old-fashioned. Terry Francona is an icon around here and if he’s gotta exorcise a few demons by dating some younger locals, I think he should do what he needs to do. Personally, I’m really glad to see him land on his feet so quickly. I have some of that really pungent body spray leftover from my single days. (Known fact: Cheap, artificial scents tend to drive girls conceived either during or immediately after Mike Greenwell’s heyday absolutely wild.) I think I’ll send it over to him just as a sort of ‘Hey, what’s up, Terry. Hope you’re having fun out there’ kind of olive branch. He knows my number if he’s got any other questions.

Clay,
For Valentine’s Day, I bought my girlfriend one of those commemorative bricks for Fenway Park’s 100th Anniversary. I got it engraved with our full names and the date of the night we first slept together. I figured that the next time we were at a game together and stood waiting in line for a Fenway Frank beneath the right field grandstand, we could have gotten our picture taken next to it. The only problem is we broke up a couple days ago and the Red Sox have already commissioned the brick for their … um, big wall of bricks. They are refusing refund. Help.

– Aaron from Shirley

Well, Aaron, you learned a valuable lesson. Fenway Park 100th Anniversary bricks are for life. Just like herpes.

Clay,
Is it just me or does Jenny Dell (NESN’s replacement for Heidi Watney) look an awful lot like John Henry’s wife, Linda Pizzutti.

– Jake from Medfield

I’ve seen both these broads in person and I can honestly say their faces would be difficult to tell apart in a dark strip club after a few pulls of Grey Goose. Anyway, Mr. Henry’s been going around camp telling people that he was opposed to the Jenny Dell signing because he didn’t think the organization needed another brunette. I guess the NESN people thought otherwise.

Clay,
How weird is it that the local media can’t get over the fact that some players haven’t sufficiently “apologized” for knocking back a few brews and crushing a few breasts of chicken in the clubhouse last year? I mean, these guys on the radio and in the newspapers sound like a bunch of needy broads, don’t they?

-Larry from Weymouth

As players we gotta deal with reporters on a daily basis for seven months. They just need some reinforcement that what they do makes some kind of difference. And sometimes they just need a little bit of affection. So, yeah. I see where these dudes are coming from I guess. A couple days ago I put a soft hand on some newspaper columnist’s shoulder, looked him in the eye for a couple seconds, and said “Sorry about all that stuff that’s got you all upset, boss.” It was a nice moment, I think. Being well-experienced in treating a lady with tenderness has helped me keep a good rapport with the Boston media.

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Parting gifts from Mr. Jeter and other pressing matters

All-star pitcher, devoted husband of model Lindsay Clubine, loving father and, lest we never forget, former ladies’ man Clay Buchholz took some time to chat with Fenway Pastoral readers.

(From MomPhoto.com - seriously.)

Clay,
After his one-night stands, Derek Jeter sends broads on their way by sticking them in a chauffeured car with autographed memorabilia as a parting gift. Back when you were playing the field, did you give out any signature keepsakes?

– Terry from Wilmington, Mass.

Things were a bit different back when I was a bachelor in the late 2000s. The economy was flailing and I hadn’t signed my multi-million dollar contract extension yet. The ladies simply had to settle for a mind-blowing night with a professional ballplayer. That used to be enough back in the day. Any broad who would choose a stupid baseball autographed by a future Hall of Famer instead of a send-off breakfast of homemade chocolate chip banana waffles wasn’t worth my time or attention. I don’t know, though. Jetes is quite a bit older than me and everyone in baseball knows that guys in their late 30s tend to show some age-related decline in performance. Maybe these autographed baseballs are some sort of consolation prize for their potential disappointment…

Clay,
Some new bar called Sweet Caroline’s is going to open right near Fenway Park. The problem is it’s just another run-of-the-mill sports bar looking to capitalize on Red Sox game day foot traffic. How frustrating is it for you to work in a town that features bars with names like Lolita, Forum, Felt and Underbar — none of which are strip clubs?

– Joseph from Randolph

Yeah, Joe, it’s not a good situation. I gave the whole thing some serious thought before signing that extension in April. Analysts are always doing calculations about how much free agents can save by signing with teams in income tax-free states like Florida. But, honestly, by playing in a priggish city like Boston for the last five years I’ve probably offset those savings by three or four hundred large. I’m just guessing, but it would probably be pretty difficult to drop a significant chunk of change at some knockoff watering hole named after a bad Neil Diamond song.

Clay,
How much of your $1 million signing bonus from the Red Sox did you request be paid out in single dollar bills?

– Michelle from Uxbridge

See above, Michelle. I’ve left those days behind. Okay, fine. Five hundred thousand, but I still have a couple stacks left…

Clay,
Major League Baseball recently sent a memo out regarding some tightening to the dress code for media members at the ballpark. With specific new regulations on skirt lengths, some are calling out the league for sexism as it is clearly aimed at female bombshell “journalists” like Ines Sains and, although she’s gone now, reporters like former NESN icon Heidi Watney. This is clearly a step in the wrong direction for a league with as many antiquated rules as MLB, right?

– Jonathan from Wellesley

You’re absolutely right, Jon. I’ve always been a proponent of dames being able to express themselves through their choice of clothing or occasional lack thereof. We need to let these broads make some decisions for themselves. What is this, the 1920s? Anyway. Forget about Kelly Shoppach. I’m pretty sure these new “guidelines” are the real reason behind Jason Varitek’s likely retirement.

Thanks for the questions, you guys. Happy Holidays.

Archives: Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: August Stretch Run Edition

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: August Stretch Run Edition

Frontline Sox starter Clay Buchholz may not pitch again in 2011 after being diagnosed with a stress fracture in his back. His potential loss for the season is a significant blow to the team and could mark the end of yet another solid year on the mound for the young right-hander. Somehow, he managed to answer some pressing questions from readers in between medical appointments and rehab sessions.

Back when he was still single, sometimes ladies' man Clay Buchholz had to get a bit creative, as shown above, in remembering if he had been with a woman the night before (AP Photo).

Clay,

What is with all this “moral compass” talk being shoved down our throats by the local media?

-Jeannie from Foxboro

I don’t know, Jeannie. I’ve been to The Moral Compass, if that’s what you mean. It’s a strip club off Route 128 and the ladies who work there are fantastic. I’m always treated like royalty there and the women are super-ethical about giving you what you pay for.

Clay,

Kathryn Tappen is headed to the NHL network. Jade McCarthy finally admitted she’s seven months pregnant and moving out of the state. And rumor has it that Heidi Watney might be leaving after the 2011 season, too. Is it just me or are the NESN studios going to be a real sausagefest next year?

-Bill from N. Attleboro

That sounds terrible, bro. I’m glad I don’t have to watch the games on TV very often. I guess I’ve got another reason to plug away at my rehab so I can get back on the field. But I wouldn’t worry too much about it. John Henry seems like the kind of dude who’s willing to open up his wallet if that’s what it takes to get some good talent on the field and in the booth. Not having a beautiful baby touting NESN Daily or whatever else the channel programs in between Sox games is like going to a strip club that doesn’t have liquor or cigarettes. It’s more than just window dressing. Those dames need to be an integral part of the viewing experience.

Clay,

Have you seen that raunchy video that was shot in 1995 by an ESPN cameraman that’s been making the rounds on the Internets? This dude and another girl are totally groping this chick while they’re standing at the railing of the roof box pretending to pay attention to the ballgame. It’s almost as provocative as anything you see on stage at Centerfolds…

-Mike from Quincy

Yeah, Mike, that was pretty crazy. I’d expect that type of thing to happen all the time in empty outfield bleachers in minor league parks. But that much rubbing and tugging at Fenway Park not involving Julio Lugo is pretty shocking. It’s always funny to look back on how baggy people wore their clothes 15 years ago, but you gotta hand it to that chick: she set herself up for easier access and those two people reaped the benefits of a high-school-style threesome. Really, though, the most troubling part of the video is that neither broad appeared to have any tattoos or interesting piercings. JC Penney denim shorts don’t count as any sexy kind of freaky in my book…

Clay,

I’ve got a problem. I’ve been seeing this girl that I met during study hall last spring and we’ve been going out this whole summer. With school starting up again soon, we’re probably going to be an official couple and all. But lately she’s been pressuring me to do something that I don’t really think I’m into. She really wants watch me eat one of those new tuna salad sandwiches from Dunkin’ Donuts. I just don’t know, though. I mean, have you ever done anything like that? Those things don’t even look appetizing when they’re done up all nice and pretty on TV. I can’t imagine what one actually tastes like…

– Bryce from Salem

That’s easily the most disgusting question I’ve ever received in one of these mailbags, Bryce.

Clay,

The state’s unemployment rate is finally heading in the right direction. Have you noticed any discernible changes in staffing levels at strip clubs?

-Patrick from Winthrop

It’s interesting, Patrick. It actually seems like the pickings are slimmer than usual. I heard a bunch of dames went back to their day jobs working at hedge funds and private equity firms. If it gets much worse, the broad-to-dude ratio is going to reach dire levels, like almost as bad as the NESN studios…

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Opening Day Edition

During spring training, a seemingly bored Clay multitasks, catching the baseball while also checking the stands for broads in halter tops. (Photo from CBS)

One-time prolific ladies’ man Clay Buchholz may have given up a jaw-dropping four home runs in his first start of the season, but the 26-year-old remains a frontline starter and key member of the Boston Red Sox. A few days before his second start of the season, the happily married father of a six-month old daughter was nice enough to take some time to impart some of his sage wisdom to a few readers while holed up in his hotel room during the final night of Boston’s first road trip of the 2011 season.

Clay,
The City of Boston’s licensing board recently green-lighted the widespread sale of mixed drinks at Fenway Park. Any thoughts?

Rebecca from Jamaica Plain

Becky, I’m all for it. But I’m happy they’re not going to let the ruffians in the bleachers anywhere near the sauce, because having a bunch of drunk broads flashing their breasts at me as I’m warming up in the bullpen can get kind of distracting. I would ask that ladies refrain from that kind of behavior until after the game, when I’m driving out of the parking lot on Van Ness St.

Clay,
This is difficult for me to discuss, but here goes: My daughter wants you to autograph one of her butt cheeks as her Sweet 16 birthday present. At first I told her ‘absolutely not,’ but the more I think about it, the better the idea sounds. It beats trying to impress the neighbors by buying her a new car and it’s definitely better than paying for her to get her belly button pierced or a trip to Cancun. Can you give me a ballpark estimate on how much dough your autograph on my daughter’s buttocks might set me back?

Roger from Natick

Roger, you sound like a good guy and it’s perfectly natural for you to be a little hesitant, but I’m glad you came around. I’m offering a number of different pricing tiers for the 2011 campaign:

The 2-Seamer Package ($29.95): A 30-second conversation (I don’t have to act interested) followed by a lightly pressed Body Autograph written with a medium ballpoint pen.

The 4-Seamer Package ($49.95): A two-minute Q&A session (I come up with the questions) and a Body Autograph written with a thin Sharpie.

The Slider ($69.95): A hands-on demonstration of various pitching grips, a two-minute conversation (I feign mild amusement) and a Body Autograph written in permanent marker.

The Curveball ($99.95): All of the above, only the Body Autograph is written in scented permanent marker. Oh yeah…and Jim Rice gets to watch while you give me a backrub.

And Roger, the prices are doubled if you insist on hovering over us to supervise.

Clay,
Do you have any fears that there are women out there who have incriminating text messages from you filed away that they might sell off for some quick money in a pinch?

Terry from Worcester

No, I don’t, Terry. I’ve always found that tactic a bit too blunt for my tastes. I’ll admit that back in my single days a few years ago I satisfied the occasional urge to send something a little risqué to some random dame. But I guess I was a lot smarter about it than Tiger Woods or Brett Favre—I’d wait until guys like Craig Hansen or Takashi Saito got into games in the later innings and use their phones in the clubhouse. I tried using Youkilis’ phone a few times, but the chicks always seemed to know it wasn’t Kevin.

Clay,
A friend of mine told me you used to date some ladies who worked in various capacities within the magazine industry and I’m wondering if you might help me make some connections in the field. I’m a married, stay-at-home mother of three children (ages 4, 7 and 9) and I sit around bored all day while my kids are at school. I figure a freelance gig might help me stay occupied during the day.

Marie from Reading

I’d be happy to help out, Marie. Just send me your resume and portfolio. Be sure to include standard information like your favorite song, secret talents, political views and the date of your most recent breast augmentation.

Click here to read the Thanksgiving edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read the Red Hot Summer edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read the Valentine’s Day edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read the October 2009 edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Turkey Day Edition

The 2010 season will go down as the Year of Buchholz. Our boy Clay was able to hold his libido in check and finally harness his abilities and fulfill his immense potential as a front-line pitcher. Relatively new to married life, Clay is busy raising his three-month-old baby girl with his model wife, Lindsay Clubbine. Meanwhile, he is poised to become a perennial Cy Young contender and one of the aces of the Red Sox pitching staff for years to come.


A thankful Clay Buchholz hams it up for a photo while ensconced in a cornucopia of broads.

The 26-year-old righthander recently took a few minutes out of his offseason conditioning regimen to answer loyal Fenway Pastoral readers’ questions regarding everything from romance to child rearing to Turducken.

Clay,
All those dirty diapers and drool and baby formula must really slow down your roll with the ladies, huh?

-Andrew from North Reading

Are you kidding me, dude? I could show up in full uniform at Boston Beer Works and I still wouldn’t be accosted by as many broads as when I walk down the street nowadays. It takes me about two hours to stroll even half a block through the park near my house. The cheek pinching, the tender caresses, the goo-goo-gaa-gaa talk—these dames just DO NOT seem to ever get enough of it. And it’s twice as bad if I have my daughter with me.

Clay,
I’m 35 years old and married to who I thought was a great guy. But one of my single friends recently called my attention to a profile on Ashley Madison (the website that helps married men cheat on their wives anonymously) that looks an awful lot like it’s my husband. There is no way it is a coincidence. I’m not thinking divorce just yet, but what can I do to burn him back?

– Wendy from Chelsea

The subtle, mature thing to do is grab his credit card, hop online and buy yourself a J.D. Drew No. 7 jersey. Make sure to get the hand-stitched replica with the 2007 World Series champs patch on it. It costs like $500 bucks and it will absolutely infuriate him every time you wear it.

Clay,
Is this Turducken craze for real? The whole concept seems kind of ridiculous.

– Mary from Winchester

I’m with you on this one, Mary. Wake me up when someone figures out how to incorporate some real game bird: road beef.

Clay,
Does it make me less of a man if I don’t like eating the dark meat on a turkey?

-Keith from Billerica

Yes, Keith. Yes it does. You’re one of those people who busts out his golf umbrella the second after a couple of raindrops fall on you in the Fenway Park box seats, aren’t you?

Clay,
Some people argue that basting a turkey isn’t completely necessary. Where do you stand in this debate?

-Troy from Weymouth

Are you serious, Troy? I’m not showing up at your house on Thanksgiving. Nobody wants to mess around with some tasteless, dried up bird. Basting is essential if you want to ensure that the turkey remains moist throughout the roasting process. After initially basting the raw bird during pre-oven prep, you have to continue applying flavor every 15 to 20 minutes so that it doesn’t dry out.

Clay,
In your opinion, how long should foreplay last?

-Terry from Danvers

It should take the exact same amount of time to fully explain the infield fly rule to Jade McCarthy. No more, no less.

If you’re married, you can easily fit it all in between two of Daisuke’s pitches.

Clay,
My girlfriend swears you pitch better when Jason Varitek is behind the plate than when Victor catches you. She says you look “more confident out there.” What should I do?

-Ben from Peabody

Break up with her and date a stripper.

Clay,
Better Boston gentleman’s club: Centerfolds or The Glass Slipper?

-Joey from Plympton

That’s kid’s stuff, Joey. You might as well ask me who I like better: Derek Jeter or A-Rod. They’re both overpriced, overrated and tear through a bunch of women who look good from far but are far from good. Check out Vegas or Reno sometime…

Clay,
When “making it rain” on stage at the gentleman’s club, what is the minimum acceptable denomination for currency?

-Albert from Topsfield

Al, you can’t make it rain with anything less than 100 individual bills, so you should make sure you can afford to withdraw that quantity from your bank account. One dollar bills are OK, but I would definitely mix in at least a few fives and tens in there if you ever plan on going back to that same establishment. Also, DO NOT pick up the cash once it’s hit the ground to try to prolong the confetti effect.

That’s all for now, everyone. Happy Thanksgiving.

Click here to read the Red Hot Summer edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read the Valentine’s Day edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read last October’s edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Colour Commentary: Red Sox Hot Stove Analysis From Liverpool

O, dear brothers, surrounded by ignorant droogs interested only in footie, Your Humble Narrator across the pond just barely survived the most dreadful torture of a Sox-less World Series. Take pity, my dear friends, on the no doubt several thousand fools who viddied such senseless rubbish. (That wanker Edgar Renteria as MVP? A bloody travesty!)

Thank goodness for the great hot stove winter season, an orgy of free agent signings, arbitration offers/non-offers and key trade transactions. Our favourite baseball club in Boston shall no doubt be active.

It seems to me, dear brothers and sisters, that there are many issues confronting Lord Theo and his apprentices. In between fantastic visions of saddling that prime baboochka Heidi Watney with the old in-out, in-out, YHN has constructed a game plan of sorts for a successful winter.

Sir Ortise
Well pull down my knickers and twink my willy, the beloved designated swatter did not go zero-for-600 as some predicted in early April. Lord David’s rookers are a bit slower through the strike zone these days, but Your Humble Narrator modestly proposes extending Big Papi for no more than, say 15 million gollies ($21m US) for three more years. After which time, your narrator most enthusiastically volunteers to take the ageing man out to the nearest woodshed for proper burial.

Victour Martinez

How frightfully distressing all this talk of Jason Varitek’s potential return has been on Your Humble Narrator’s poor gutsalug. The team must simply rid itself of this bloke, everything from the horrific pop-disk at-bat musical introduction to his oozhasny discipline at the dish.

Meanwhile, Victor Martinez is adequate behind the dish, adds insurance at first base, shows a mighty good swing and makes us all shite our knickers in laughter when he rubs Adrian Beltre’s incredibly irritable gulliver. And he can be signed for three years if the money is right. And he’s a good teammate. And Bob’s your uncle.

Papelbonbon
Dear brothers, I confess to many times this past season soiling my poor neezhnies when brother Pap took the hill. A most unfavourable feeling of nausea overtakes my innards when I think about an arbiter awarding this man more than 10 million gollies to continue twisting up my embattled knickers. A trade of Dropkick Pap for  perhaps one major-league ready player and some B-level prospects would greatly please YHN, who, I must state, never could love the boy after his mock on-field display of the dance of Satan himself: the Irish step. Ship him up—and out—of Boston.

The Corner Soomkas
My friends, first and third are two positions of extreme importance for any organisation, particularly as poor brother Youkilis’ stardom will likely be continuously challenged by high, tight pitches aimed at his gulliver. The wear and tear on the Greek God of Knocks leads YHN to believe first base is the place for his talents.

And what more need be said of Adrian Beltre, dear reader, than all the praise already heaped in local gazettas? His 2010 was the dog’s bollocks, which may just be a problem for Lord Theo when it comes to signing a fair-market deal. Nevertheless, YHN believes the rumpy pumpy marriage between Beltre and Fenway Park is one that could thrive for four more years.

Unless the veck wants something obscene like $13 million ($18m US) per year. In that case, he may kindly piss off and waste away his inconsequential final years somewhere else as we question his true commitment and openly root against him from afar.

Jayson Werth
Devote readers, a veteran player with postseason success (tied for the most NL home runs all time), a scraggly beard, dirty hat and hard, desirous look (white) will most certainly fit into this team bloody well if either Sir Victour or Lord Adrian defect elsewhere. Let’s say four years, $34m eurogollies ($48m US).

The Rotation
Welly, welly, well it does appear the future is mostly bright here. In addition to Master Lester, Brother Clay has become a top-class ace. It was clear his newly domesticated existence cleared his gulliver of the siren’s call of the strange, clearing his mind in order to perfect command of his fantastic change-up.

I believe the recent birth of a mini Clay will afford even less time for lubbilubbing with various dolled-up Hags of the Hub. A solid follow-up to this past season would be most agreeable.

John Lackey was certainly a one-man horrour show in 2010. But the righty has a swell, jagged set of teeth with which to grit as he continues to eat up innings for the club for the next—hang on one moment while I check this media guide—FOUR HONKING YEARS??!! Oh…oh my. You noble narrator will simply close his eyes when Lackey takes the hill. Oh, I simply must find a rubbish right away…

[This is several hours later, dear reader] YHN notes this veck Daisuke can’t be fagged to throw one pitch in less time than my old lady takes to fix her Earl Gray. He quite simply must be dispatched to a poorly run organization in the National League before YHN’s patience is tried.

That is all, for now, dear readers. Your horrid American businessmen, click-clacking away on Dingleberrys up in the Fenway pavilion seats, have officially exhausted the standard British sign off (“Cheers”). So YHN will instead leave with a simple ta ta.

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Red Hot Summer Edition

Red Sox pitcher Clay Buchholz is on a roll thus far in 2010. He’s 10-4 with a sub-3.00 ERA and appears to be putting together an All-Star-caliber season. Using his instinctive guile, Clay is tearing through batting orders the same way he used to plow through women before marrying model Lindsay Clubine last fall. Even amidst preparations for the birth of his firstborn child, Buchholz found some time to impart some of his pimping wisdom to his faithful fans at Fenway Pastoral.


Clay, what’s the deal with NESN Sportsdesk anchor Jade McCarthy’s mole located above her top lip? At times, I’m able to rationalize it as a Cindy Crawford-esque beauty mark, but just as often it just seems like a regrettably-placed distraction. Help?

– Andrew from Plymouth

I’m not a big fan of facial blemishes, Andrew. Whenever I turn on NESN and Jade and Her Mole are on the screen, I imagine that she is wearing one of those sexy silver stud rings some girls have pierced onto their faces. Usually, when you see a chick who has a weird piercing like that on her lip or nose or (obviously) her tongue, it means she’s gonna be pretty wild when you get down to rolling around in the hay with her.

Clay, you managed to impregnate your wife within a couple months or so of marriage. But Sox owner John Henry was married to his wife/muse for nearly a year before he was able to slip one past the goalie. What gives?

– Lynn from Chatham

Well, Lynn, I can’t say for sure, but it’s probably all the energy drinks and protein shakes. Also, there are certain positions that I like my partner to be able to contort herself into that are more conducive to getting a broad pregnant. Honestly, Mr. Henry is kinda old, so I hope he didn’t try any of my moves.


Clay, I’m 17 years old and pretty new to the … “dating” scene. Whenever I’m in the throes of the moment in the bedroom, I find it useful to think about baseball when delaying arrival at the finish line. This method must not work for you since you’re probably always thinking baseball all the time anyway, right?

– Brett from Lexington

Brett, I spend six-plus months in a major league locker room. I see a lot of dudes parading around in towels on a daily basis and they’re not all svelte guys in their primes. I’ve got plenty of ammunition to slow down the clock if I really need it. But in all honesty, dude, why are you trying to delay the inevitable? You’re young. Relax and let the game come to you. You can’t move onto the next batter until you’ve gotten the one at the plate out. Also, throwing a few side sessions in the “bullpen” in between starts might help a young player like yourself find the proper rhythm.

What, exactly, did Jason Varitek get himself into with Heidi Watney? The guy romances her a few times and the next thing he knows, the chick is scurrying over to him every time she needs a player to toss her a bone with some throwaway quote on camera.
– Jeff from Manchester

All I can say about that situation is I feel bad for poor ‘Tek. Generally speaking, a man should always make it clear to a female from the get-go whether he sees her as a full-time starter or just a situational reliever.

Clay, I was at a gentleman’s club in Austin last week getting a lap dance when I noticed that the woman taking care of me had a small tattoo of the New York Yankees logo just to the left of her landing strip. I, uh, immediately wilted like A-Rod in October and actually cut the dance short before the end of the 20 minutes I’d paid for. What’s the etiquette in that situation? I already paid for about twice the amount of time she was with me, but she seemed peeved I didn’t give her a tip on top of my wasted up-front fee.

– Gerald from Bangor

You did the right thing cutting the dance short, Gerald. But really, it sounds like your laziness lead to some buyer’s remorse. You should always make sure you get a good overview of the lady offering you a private dance before shelling out any dough. Next time, have the dame do a few twirls in front of you to get a better idea what you’re getting into. It’s OK to say no and if any other strippers are around, they’ll appreciate your discerning tastes.

Click here to read the Valentine’s Day edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read last October’s edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Valentine’s Day Edition

Red Sox pitcher and notorious ladies’ man Clay Buchholz hung up his pimping cleats last November when he married Deal or No Deal model Lindsay Clubine. Now that he’s off the market, he’s answering some reader questions about the fairer sex and dating life.

Clay,
Is it safe to go on a date with a girl who I met through Facebook?

–Doug from Lynnfield

Absolutely, Doug. Back in the day, I took a few birds out who I met through an online alias. Just be careful of women with extensive profiles on social networking sites. They’re usually exhibitionists (which is awesome) but they also tend to be pretty self-involved and will probably have a lot to say even on a first/blind date. To counteract this, make sure you take anyone you meet on MySpace or Ashley Madison or wherever else to a club that plays loud house music. After a couple pours of Grey Goose, her get-to-know-me conversation will just sound like part of the bass line and you can just nod your head along with the beat.


Clay
Please rank the MTV Jersey Shore girls from hottest to ugliest.

–Hal from Somerville

Hal, this one’s easy. Of the four Jersey Shore broads, JWoww is the only one who is my type. She has several tattoos, she likes to party and she wasn’t afraid to upgrade areas of her body that needed work. And I totally related to what she was saying about generally wanting to rip a guy’s head off praying mantis-style after she’s slept with him. I actually had a woman try that on me one time and it’s kind of a turn-on. The other young ladies on the show are too needy (Snooki), too wholesome (Sammi) or too sticky (Angelina). Ranking them would be like comparing the No. 5 starters in the low minors. I’m a professional baseball player–chicks like that might as well be dudes as far as I’m concerned. But I’d let any of them videotape one of my threesomes.


Clay,

Have you ever gone past the point of what would be termed a ‘professional relationship’ with any female beat writers or television reporters?

–Tyrus from Springfield

Those records are sealed, my friend. But let’s just say that last season I began to notice certain reporters seemed to have the night off when I was on the mound.


Clay,
I was recently getting ‘intimate’ with a girl one night when I realized she was wearing granny panties. It would be one thing if she was some 40-year-old cougar, but this girl was only 19 years old.

–Thomas from Sudbury

Wow, ace, that’s a tough one. If you ask me, it’s a disappointment when a girl decides to wear underwear at all. It seems so old-fashioned. I have to assume this girl was on the dreaded 5-day disabled list. But either way, I’d say this can’t be a good sign. I hope you have a solid left-handed relief specialist in your bullpen…


Clay,
Have you ever seen Amalie Benjamin with her glasses off?

–Martin from Kingston, R.I.

Hahahahaha…Next question.

Clay,
Which American League city has the most attractive female fan base?

–Adam from Southie

There’s usually a lot of ladies ready to party in Anaheim whenever we’re in town to play the Angels. Most of them are “aspiring actresses” looking to take a ballplayer home or at least get one of their boobs signed. It’s harmless fun and I always look forward to our trips out west. Of course, when you’re in LA, you gotta make sure Brad Penny didn’t get to the girl first. They’re never the same after he’s through with them. There are also lots of women who throw themselves at me down in St. Petersburg, although most of them are old enough to be my mother. I’ve gotta say that Toronto is the best city, though. The girls are pretty hot, they’re foreign and the Rogers Centre has those hotel rooms attached to the outfield so you don’t even have to leave the ballpark to get lucky. As for women from Kansas City, well, I’d rather ride all the way down to Ft. Myers in the back of the equipment truck than take one of those slam pigs out to some expensive steakhouse. Maybe I’ll feel differently after I’ve played through my arbitration years.

Click here to read last October’s edition of Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag.

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag

Boston‘s young pitching phenom Clay Buchholz will officially be off the dating market next month after he marries Deal or No Deal model Lindsay Clubine. The Red Sox star’s proclivity for dating smoking hot models has at times evoked feelings of disbelief, bewilderment and envy. Now that he’s off the prowl, Clay was nice enough to take some time out of his offseason to answer some Fenway Pastoral reader’s questions about the dating scene.

Clay,
I recently visited a strip club in Toronto and purchased an hour in the champagne room. The stripper who wound up taking care of me seemed like a nice lady and I asked her for her phone number after my hour was up, figuring it would be nice to take her out for a nice dinner somewhere in the outside world. Unfortunately, she declined and now I have a weird rash to go along with the embarrassment of rejection. What did I do wrong?

–Daniel from Everett

Rookie mistake, Dan! You can’t just show up at the strip club and expect the chick’s gonna be all about you after one freaking hour. Courting strippers takes patience and persistence. Your first time with a dancer in the champagne room should be about putting your vibe out there. Play it close to the vest and be nonchalant while she does her thing. If they sense you’re too enamored, it’s all over. Act uninterested and like you’ve been there before. Strippers hate this, but they’ll remember you the next time when you show up with enough cash to buy a bottle of Patron and her exclusive company for the rest of the night. As for the extra pine tar on your barrel, a scalding hot bath and a ton of Icy/Hot on the affected area is the best remedy for erasing a regrettable evening.

Clay,
I recently became intimate with a woman with a large tattoo of the Aerosmith logo on the small of her back that spans over the better part of her hips. I’ve heard of women with smaller, elegant tattoo designs on their ankles or shoulders, but I’m having trouble getting past the size of this thing. Is it out of line to ask her if she’d ever consider getting it removed?

–Brian from Athol

Brian, Brian, Brian…You’re kidding me, right? A broad without any tattoos on her lower back cannot be considered a true woman. This one sounds like a keeper. You should be out buying her tiny tank tops that ride up on her midsection so everyone can see her ink when she leans forward to grab her Budweiser tall-boy can from the bartender.

Clay,
What kind of music is best to play to help get a girl in the mood?

–Pete from Somerville

Thanks for writing, Pete. I’m actually engaged to be married to a Deal or No Deal model next month, but back when I was on the singles scene, it depended on the type of magazines my date had modeled for. If she was a little freaky and had some experience posing for hard core pictorials, I liked to start out with heavier cuts from bands like Pantera or Sevendust and eventually segue into some Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie. The more vanilla, wholesome models (Victoria’s Secret, JC Penney) generally listen to tamer buttrock bands like Staind and Nickelback. These chicks aren’t usually much fun and I’ve always tried to stay away from these girls unless I’m lonely and just looking for the company of some easy road beef.

Clay,
Is it OK to slip some Ecstasy into a girl’s drink at the club even if she’s already turned it down?

–Bill from Middleboro

I like where your head’s at, Bill. The reverse of this scenario actually happened to Brandon Walsh on one of my favorite episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210. He and his girlfriend Emily Valentine wound up having the time of their lives, partying until sunrise at an awesome underground rave. I haven’t pulled the E-slip on a girl in a while, but sometimes I’ll crush up a couple Ambien pills and sprinkle them in Dustin Pedroia’s Jagerbombs. That guy takes it to the limit every time we go to the club and, frankly, it’s difficult to keep up sometimes.