Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Kicking off the 2014 Baseball Season

Red Sox right-hander Clay Buchholz is several years removed from his days as an eligible bachelor. The Boston starter and former ladies’ man has left his womanizing days behind and now leads a quiet life of domestic bliss with his two daughters and his wife, professional model Lindsay Clubbine. With the games that count now tantalizingly close, the ever-insightful pitcher sat down to answer some of Fenway Pastoral readers’ pressing questions.

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Clay,
I read something recently about how the Red Sox have implemented a somewhat revolutionary program to keep the team healthy that includes “soft tissue management” from a team of top specialists in the field of physical therapy. Have you faked any injuries just to get a free massage or anything like that?

Misty from Dover

Misty, I’ve actually got my own stable of masseuses who take care of my needs because I think that, like, “hard tissue” is equally as important as this whole “soft tissue” craze. Don’t get me wrong – I’m sure the team’s extensive stable of medical professionals is probably top notch. But if I’m being honest, I like to be able to have more say in the people who are rubbing my body. Since I first came to Boston, I’ve spent years vetting and refining the perfect mix of sure-handed specialists (as coincidence would have it, all ladies…) to suit my varying moods and daily needs. The one time I had one of the team’s professionals work on me, I was lying on my back and Ben Cherington popped his head in the door to ask me how I was feeling. He glanced at me briefly and got this horrified look on his face. So I just said, Dude, I’m getting a frigging massage in here…WTF? We actually haven’t really talked since that day.

Clay,
What are your thoughts on the ladies that NESN has used as on-field “talent” during spring training telecasts. Looks like the network may break camp with a platoon of Elle Duncan and Sarah Davis. Can they combine to be suitable replacements for Jenny Dell?

Tim from Nashua

sarah davis and elle duncan

Sarah Davis and Elle Duncan enter the 2014 season in a rookie platoon situation.

Spring training performance is of limited value, Tim. Miniscule sample sizes; diluted competition; limited pressure. I don’t think we’ll really know anything for sure about either of these dames until the games are for real come April. Just because Sarah turned Mike Carp’s head a couple weeks ago doesn’t mean anything is set in stone. Mikey was probably ogling Elle Duncan’s, um, backside with equal vigor a few minutes later. Also consider that @sarahnicoledavis only has about 7,500 Twitter followers while @elleduncan has got 19,000 followers.

There’s no question that it’s beneficial to create some competition at this juncture of the season. It helps avoid complacency. And every reporter develops at her own rate. Let’s not forget that a couple years ago at this time, Jenny Dell could barely read off a cue card. She grew into the role and made a life for herself.

Clay,
I’m all for capitalism and whatnot, but this whole dynamic pricing concept for Green Monster seats has me reeling. It just doesn’t seem right. I know the team will make some extra money, but the whole thing strikes me as a bit too opportunistic and manipulative of the marketplace.

Joe from Providence

I don’t see what the problem is, Joe. Let’s say you take a ride over to the Foxy Lady on a Tuesday night and the doormen are asking you to pay the same cover charge to get in for Amateur Night as the place gets for “Perfect 10 Fridays” or whatever they have down there. Games – and broads – are not created equal. Don’t listen to what some people say, you CAN put lipstick on a pig and, unfortunately, some lower-end establishments know it. Some dancers are uggos with a lot of makeup. Others are gymnastic freaks of nature who just kind of, uh, lost their way and made their lives into something awesome. Yeah, there’s a chance you feel a special “connection” with one of the more mature ladies on stage on a Tuesday night. But there are more people looking to tie one on and wink at a few chicks as they do their thing on stage on a Friday night.

In fact, I bet all the tenets put forth by Adam Smith in the Wealth of Nations were really just an elaborate allegorical manifesto designed to convince owners of local brothels to extend him a Tuesday night price break.

Clay,
Some enterprising photographer caught Tom Brady cupping his wife Gisele Bundchen’s bum on the beach. You’re really the only other pro athlete in town who is married to a model. But you and Lindsay have kept it pretty classy and under-the-radar since you got married. Where are all the photos of you guys frolicking? When will you two be turning up on E! News?

Rob from Plympton

It’s not easy being a successful athlete and a ruggedly handsome sex symbol at the same time, Rob. There’s always someone camping out just waiting for you to do anything the least bit scandalous. Now that I have two World Series championships under my belt, I’m probably going to be in the same boat as Brady. Tom’s got that third Super Bowl ring so I’m only one behind him now. People always say that the paparazzi love a winner. Another World Series or two and I’ll probably be a mainstay in GQ for the next decade. Starting next week the quest starts anew.

Thanks for the questions, guys!

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