Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: ‘A Lonely October’ Edition

clay-buchholz lindsay clubine

The 2014 season didn’t exactly go as scripted for the Red Sox or for right-handed starter and former ladies man Clay Buchholz, who now leads a quiet domestic life with his wife (model Lindsay Clubine) and their two daughters. Injuries forced ol’ Buck from the saddle for a time in the middle of the year, but Clay is trying to re-insert himself into the conversation as a front-end starter as the team closes out 2014 and looks ahead to bigger and better things in 2015. Buchholz was kind enough to lend his legendary insight to Fenway Pastoral by answering some questions from readers during a recent off day.

Clay,

Can you please have a sit down with Will Middlebrooks and figure out what’s going on? He’s gripping that bat awfully tight these days and it’s hard not to conclude his personal life with Jenny Dell is having some sort of impact. What is he out of his league with her? Are his struggles the universe’s sick way of re-establishing a balance? I’m worried this chick is like the ultimate Reverse Slumpbuster.

-Greg from Whitman

Greg, these strikeouts have to be pretty frustrating for him. I think the poor kid’s just trying too hard. You may be on to something I suppose. But remember, Will did have some injury issues earlier this year, so I’ll give him a mulligan for that. Then again, I am pretty worried that this NFL sideline reporter gig Jenny’s got now is going to create some tension. At least when she was with NESN, she and Will were in the same city and got to go home together at the end of the day even on road trips. I don’t think I’d want my wife anywhere near these handsy NFL dudes for four months – or Ian Eagle and Dan Fouts for that matter.

Clay,

What do you make of this whole Jonathan Papelbon controversy? He grabbed his crotch while staring down the crowd in Philly, which was booing him as he walked into the dugout. Classless, disgusting act if you ask me…

-Marianne from New Bedford

Marianne, you sound like a proper lady and I understand where you’re coming from. But I remember years ago, I used to meet plenty of nice dames by making eye contact from across a crowded club or dance floor and doing that exact same move. I’ve got to assume Pap spied somebody in the stands who he thought was pretty cute and he probably just forgot where he was for a brief, ill-fated moment.

Either way though, Pap’s got to recognize the life and times he lives in. This ain’t the old days anymore – the camera is always trained on you. Just look at this shot of me walking back to the Fenway dugout recently – smartphones just zeroing in on me like a rockstar. Guys in our shoes are afforded a lot of things, but fixing yourself in public is one of those luxuries that you lose in the process. Sigh.

Clay,

Did you see that A-Rod joined LinkedIn? Would you ever consider joining a career networking site to supplement your off-the-field earnings? I’m sure you’ve got some good years left in the tank, but everybody needs a fall-back plan right?

– Rick from Springfield

Rick, I don’t have any fancy “ARod Corp.”-like side ventures going on right now. I like to fly a bit lower on the radar. I don’t need some broad who saw me six years ago at some Penthouse party back when I was dating Erica Ellyson triangulating my whereabouts using some weirdo stalker algorithm. I leave my past in the past, my friend. (Which, incidentally, is a pretty good motto to live by if you’ve ever been into that whole dating porn stars thing – they just don’t age very well…).

Buchholz networking

Clay back in his heyday, doing some true “social networking.”

Clay,

On average, you take 25.6 seconds to fulfill your off-the-back-of-the-mound baseball massaging, sniffing, snorting, deep-breath pre-pitch routine. This pace is by far the slowest of any pitcher on the Red Sox staff and third in all of major league baseball behind David Price and Jorge De La Rosa. You better start speeding it up a bit – Tom Werner just joined a committee that’s looking at creative ways to speed up the ball game and I’ve got to assume your name’s gonna come up as a culprit to be reckoned and dealt with.

– Mary from Lynnfield

Mary, pitching is an art and the baseball field is, as a practitioner of said art, my milieu – my stage, if you will. A good performance, top-notch entertainment cannot be rushed. A guy like Tom Werner who made his hay using a canned, 22-minute sitcom format cannot possibly understand this principle.

Clay,

You’re slated to start the last game of the season at Fenway against the Yankees. You could in theory be the last pitcher to pitch to Derek Jeter before he hangs it up for good. It’s a pretty hot ticket right now – people could be paying $300 a pop for tickets if the Yanks are OK with his last game being in Boston. Will you give him something to hit as part of some unwritten baseball player “bro code”? You know, one ladies’ man to another?

– Rod from Plympton

Everybody wants to force this sex symbol vs. sex symbol narrative on us, Rod. I’ve had it. Sure, the ladies love me and Derek and all that but I think we’re both pretty bashful about it. As for deliberately grooving one into his wheelhouse, I think that would probably be pretty insulting. Having said that, I think it’d be pretty rude of him to take me deep if I accidentally hang one in the strike zone. We’ll see what kind of gentleman this guy really is come Sunday…

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