Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Opening Day Edition

During spring training, a seemingly bored Clay multitasks, catching the baseball while also checking the stands for broads in halter tops. (Photo from CBS)

One-time prolific ladies’ man Clay Buchholz may have given up a jaw-dropping four home runs in his first start of the season, but the 26-year-old remains a frontline starter and key member of the Boston Red Sox. A few days before his second start of the season, the happily married father of a six-month old daughter was nice enough to take some time to impart some of his sage wisdom to a few readers while holed up in his hotel room during the final night of Boston’s first road trip of the 2011 season.

Clay,
The City of Boston’s licensing board recently green-lighted the widespread sale of mixed drinks at Fenway Park. Any thoughts?

Rebecca from Jamaica Plain

Becky, I’m all for it. But I’m happy they’re not going to let the ruffians in the bleachers anywhere near the sauce, because having a bunch of drunk broads flashing their breasts at me as I’m warming up in the bullpen can get kind of distracting. I would ask that ladies refrain from that kind of behavior until after the game, when I’m driving out of the parking lot on Van Ness St.

Clay,
This is difficult for me to discuss, but here goes: My daughter wants you to autograph one of her butt cheeks as her Sweet 16 birthday present. At first I told her ‘absolutely not,’ but the more I think about it, the better the idea sounds. It beats trying to impress the neighbors by buying her a new car and it’s definitely better than paying for her to get her belly button pierced or a trip to Cancun. Can you give me a ballpark estimate on how much dough your autograph on my daughter’s buttocks might set me back?

Roger from Natick

Roger, you sound like a good guy and it’s perfectly natural for you to be a little hesitant, but I’m glad you came around. I’m offering a number of different pricing tiers for the 2011 campaign:

The 2-Seamer Package ($29.95): A 30-second conversation (I don’t have to act interested) followed by a lightly pressed Body Autograph written with a medium ballpoint pen.

The 4-Seamer Package ($49.95): A two-minute Q&A session (I come up with the questions) and a Body Autograph written with a thin Sharpie.

The Slider ($69.95): A hands-on demonstration of various pitching grips, a two-minute conversation (I feign mild amusement) and a Body Autograph written in permanent marker.

The Curveball ($99.95): All of the above, only the Body Autograph is written in scented permanent marker. Oh yeah…and Jim Rice gets to watch while you give me a backrub.

And Roger, the prices are doubled if you insist on hovering over us to supervise.

Clay,
Do you have any fears that there are women out there who have incriminating text messages from you filed away that they might sell off for some quick money in a pinch?

Terry from Worcester

No, I don’t, Terry. I’ve always found that tactic a bit too blunt for my tastes. I’ll admit that back in my single days a few years ago I satisfied the occasional urge to send something a little risqué to some random dame. But I guess I was a lot smarter about it than Tiger Woods or Brett Favre—I’d wait until guys like Craig Hansen or Takashi Saito got into games in the later innings and use their phones in the clubhouse. I tried using Youkilis’ phone a few times, but the chicks always seemed to know it wasn’t Kevin.

Clay,
A friend of mine told me you used to date some ladies who worked in various capacities within the magazine industry and I’m wondering if you might help me make some connections in the field. I’m a married, stay-at-home mother of three children (ages 4, 7 and 9) and I sit around bored all day while my kids are at school. I figure a freelance gig might help me stay occupied during the day.

Marie from Reading

I’d be happy to help out, Marie. Just send me your resume and portfolio. Be sure to include standard information like your favorite song, secret talents, political views and the date of your most recent breast augmentation.

Click here to read the Thanksgiving edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read the Red Hot Summer edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read the Valentine’s Day edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

Click here to read the October 2009 edition of the Love Doctor Mailbag

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