Monthly Archives: April 2014

Local Man’s Game Recap (Rangers 10, Red Sox 7)

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BY FRANCIS FLYNN

CARVER, Mass – Well, that was ugly. Not exactly an open and shut beatdown since the Sox scored six runs in the last three innings. But that was close enough to an ass-reddening spanking irregardless.

Can’t make excuses. But tough conjuring together a solid lineup right now with Shane Victorino and Will Middlebrooks hurt. Yeah, it was real nice hearing all about this new guy Roberts and his hundreds of tattoos. Fantastic. How about tattooing a pitch or three next time Pierzynski gets on three times in front of ya? You know, the walks are good too and all but ya know it’s hard to look like much of a badass pipsqueaking your way down to first base after ball four.

Maybe a curtsy or incorporating the bat into some kind of baton routine would help out next time? I don’t know call me old-fashioned but if you’re new you should hit one off the wall in your Fenway debut. Always helps.

Finally. Someone’s gonna have to explain these NESN text polls that the broadcasters just insist on doing every game. I realize baseball’s having its moment with the hipsters right now. But this real-time “text your answer” shit is real-time stupid if ya catch my drift. The whole gimmick is about as lame as the day is long.

I recognize the fact that I’m in a grumpy mood because Doubront got shellacked tonight. But gimme a break. Wake me up when everyone’s close to finished being impressed with themselves for having a cell phone. In the meantime, I’m gonna tack on a little postscript to my nightly prayers asking for a pitcher’s duel in tomorrow’s rubber game.

Ed. Note: Carver man and friend of the site Francis Flynn is an avid Red Sox fan, Boston-born and bred. Flynn’s day job is maintaining a 10-acre cranberry bog and tract of farmland that has been in his family for three generations. But his passion is following his region’s most beloved baseball team. Flynn recently agreed to provide Fenway Pastoral readers with his own recaps throughout the 2014 regular season. All we had to do in return was promise to publish his pieces unedited and to send him a case of Miller High Life (bar bottles were specified) every week.

Local Man’s Game Recap (Red Sox 5, Rangers 1)

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BY FRANCIS FLYNN

CARVER, Mass – Earlier today out on my cranberry bog I was dragging real bad. Then later on I almost nodded off at a stop light while riding back from True Value. So I swung by the Mary Lou’s and grabbed myself a big hulking pink cup of coffee and a couple crullers. I ignored the younger girl behind the counter but gave the older one a couple innocent winks (won’t be long before she’s a real waitress serving real drinks). Then I mawed down the whole business while I was leanin’ up against my tailgate and staring at the talent filling up at the gas station.

Felt like a million bucks the rest of the day. Served as an omen for the Sox game tonight.

This is what happens when you force the action. The Sox needed offense like no other and JBJ delivered it like he was some strawberry-blond-haired jailbait handing me my 20-ounce Hazelnut roast and a couple of the marble glazed.

Lemme just go ahead and simplify it for you, right here and right now. Some easy math for yous: JBJ = Electricity, pulsating throughout the park, spurring much-needed run scoring. Three hits from Jackie, plus some great catches in right field.

And it wasn’t all Jackie. Three hits for AJ Pierzynski. Even Dan Nava got himself going in the big 8th inning rally. He put on a nice long AB and shot a RBI single to right-field to get himself off the schneid.

Lackey’s got himself in the Cy Young Award discussion early here. Seven more innings tonight with only one run given up. Yous can whine and bitch and moan about it being too early and jinxes and all that, but just remember where exactly yous all heard it first.

Koji had me a little worried putting two guys on in the ninth inning but he’s Koji he got it done. Wasn’t a save situation though so wasted bullets if you’re asking me. Which I guess you are but now it’s time you get the hell out of my kitchen.

Ed. Note: Carver man and friend of the site Francis Flynn is an avid Red Sox fan, Boston-born and bred. Flynn’s day job is maintaining a 10-acre cranberry bog and tract of farmland that has been in his family for three generations. But his passion is following his region’s most beloved baseball team. Flynn watches recently agreed to provide Fenway Pastoral readers with his own recaps throughout the 2014 regular season. All we had to do in return was promise to publish his pieces unedited and to send him a case of Miller High Life (bar bottles were specified) every week.

Local Man’s Game Recap (Brewers 6, Red Sox 2)

CARVER, Mass. – Well, I guess the ring ceremony was nice. Otherwise, though, I’m at a loss for words for this game story here. First opening day loss at Fenway in a decade. Jack Peavy pitched his brains out tonight. Spewed his heart out all over the mound. He tossed a solid six, but the bats just weren’t backing the kid up tonight the way you hope.

And the bullpen…well they shat it all to hell.

Some hothead down at the bar was insisting the “J” in Mujica is silent and it nearly set me off. He was clearly antagonizing me since I was (correctly) going with the hard, balls-out “J” while cursing him out for giving up a bunch of loud noises in the 9th inning. I just hope this isn’t a case of some guy from the National League coming over and being intimidated by the bright lights of a real town like Boston. He’s gonna have to adjust real quick.

Danny Nava shouldn’t be hitting leadoff. Just saying.. Oh for four. This is going to be the issue of the season. We just don’t have that guy who can set the tone for the offense on a everyday kind of situation.

We’ve got Clay on the mound tonight so I think we’re in good hands. Hopefully the fans keep booing that weasel Ryan Brawny and giving him the full-on Canseco treatment.

 

This Week in Boston Baseballing, March 29 – April 3 The Sun Rises Up Behind Fenway Park

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Boston plays its first game of the 2014 season at home this afternoon against Milwaukee. The regular season officially got underway on Monday afternoon in Baltimore. The Red Sox dropped the opener, 2-1, despite a strong opening day performance from Jon Lester. John Lackey got the Sox in the win column Wednesday night, giving the team a solid six innings as the team was paced by home runs by David Ortiz and Mike Napoli. Boston kept it going last night thanks to some key work from the bullpen in picking up Felix Doubront in a 4-3 win that gave the Sox a series victory at Camden Yards to star the season.

The rest of the week looked like this:

Sizemore Hit a Home Run in his First Game

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The Red Sox Visited President Obama
End of story, right? Nothing else to see here…Everybody’s already forgotten this even happened, it was that innocuous and uneventful. Right?

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NESN Hired Steve Lyons to Its Studio Arsenal
Lyons is of course forever famous for dropping his pants to get some dirt out of his nether regions. Back when he played for Boston, his bag of tricks was a little more G-rated. (Bonus points for choosing a worthy victim for the hidden ball trick in the ever-unsportsmanlike Ozzie Guillen.)

 

An Old Fan Favorite Struggled
Jonathan Papelbon’s days as a closer may be coming to a painful close. His velocity is down, his control is getting worse and his shoulder seems to be falling apart. It wasn’t all that long ago Papelbon talked about following in Mariano Rivera’s footsteps. It’s looking as though he may do just that, only in a more cruelly literal sense.

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Norman Rockwell Painting Will Be Open for Bidding

the rookie by rockwell

Local Man’s Game Recap (Red Sox 4, Orioles 3)

 CARVER, Mass. – Today felt like spring had finally arrived in my neck of the woods. I could hear the chirping birds. Smell the onset of dewy mornings. I woke up to bright, all-encompassing sunshine. It put a smile on my face. I drank a couple cups of Taster’s Choice and headed outside to get down to business on the cranberry bog.

After about an hour or so, I was feeling pretty good. That dull but welcomed hangover from celebrating the first win of the season with a couple double glasses of whiskey was beginning to lift.

And then all hell broke loose. A couple of high schoolers skipping out on gym class. Just a total blur. Some wine coolers. Some e-cigarettes. Some sort of sorry excuse for a prophylactic that could have doubled for an adequate plug-up for the leak in the tire of my ATV. These two sick hippies were getting busy right out in the middle of the back end of the bog. Probably high on goddamned  gangja bought at one of the many shady mary jane dens I’m positive have been springing up in this hell in a handbasket state.

It was a classic case of disregard for private property. Two stoners, enjoying the benefits of what they thought was Nature’s Motel Room or some shit. Some day South Shore cranberries will be extinct the same way bananas are on their way out. Don’t come crying to me because it’s all the rest of yous’ fault for raising your kids this way. I did my part.

Come to find out, I spent most of the morning cleaning up the trash left behind by those scoundrels. So I was ready for some baseball well before first pitch. And the Sox didn’t disappoint.

I continue to be impressed by this Alex Bogaerts. He just has a certain something that you can’t put your finger on. He wants it. More than Steve Drew ever did. (Guys named Steve are always bad news.) And that’s why they should give Drew’s World Series ring to charity tomorrow. A cancer survivor or a fireman or one of the founders of Aerosmith. Who’s that guy think he is just blowing off something like a ring ceremony? He’s worse than his brother. I’ve been saying it for years.

But moving on, Koji threw real well in the ninth. Real well. My buddy told me he just turned 39 years old but I think it’s obvious he’s lying. I believe he’s my long-lost 10-year-old son (there was a woman one night, down in East Bridgewater, a long time ago…I don’t want to talk about it).

We’re looking at a 2-1 record now. Boston is actually pretty good, just like I’ve been predicting back around Christmas. It’s early, but usually if you start out strong you kind of set the tone and carry through. Anything can happen I guess.

Local Man’s Game Recap (Red Sox 6, Orioles 2)

The Boston Globe recently announced that it will move all of its Red Sox content behind its online paywall. Not to worry, however: 43-year-old Carver man and friend of the site Francis Flynn is an avid Red Sox fan, Boston-born and bred. Flynn’s day job is maintaining a 10-acre cranberry bog and tract of farmland that has been in his family for three generations. But his passion is following his region’s most beloved baseball team.

Flynn watches nearly every game and recently signed an agreement to provide Fenway Pastoral readers with his own recaps throughout the 2014 regular season. All we had to do in return was promise to publish his pieces unedited and to send him a case of Miller High Life (bar bottles were specified) every week.

Now I know what it’s like to sit in a press box writing one of these things. My wife is sitting next to me main-lining Cape Codders and spouting verbal barbs my way. (She’s pissed cuz she’s missing the Duck Dynasty marathon on A&E.) She can drone on about diuretics and all that, but she drinks the cranberry juice to spite me. Me, I never touch the stuff. That would be like an accountant going home at the end of a hard day and charting equations. Cranberries may be responsible for my livelihood but they ain’t gonna have a say in my leisure.

Before I dive into my thoughts on the game tonight, my friend Joey down at the fish market told me about the Ortiz selfie with President Obama yesterday. I’m not happy about it. But that has nothing much to do with my political leanings or any personal problem with the man making some extra money as a cell phone salesman. My feeling is this: Grown men taking pictures together like that with a phone? Staged or not, I don’t care. That kind of thing is for teenagers prancing around the shopping mall. Maybe Ortiz and Obama can head over to the food court afterward and share an Orange Julius. Perfectly good day ruined with all that nonsense.

Tonight’s game is the way I like to see ‘em played out. Dusty had four hits and Nap hit a jack and had four runs batted in.

And how do ya like Lackey now, huh? You can sense he’s still got that same hunger and drive that made him so good last year. That cheating rat bastard Cruz hit another homer tonight, but Lack didn’t let it phase him. And I loved seeing that raw emotion on the mound – he was cussing swear words like a sailor you could tell. Haha.

And not for nothing, I love this Alexander Bogahts. For a guy who started out playing stickball down in the Caribbean, he’s got a wicked sense of the strike zone.

So these game summaries are pretty simple. I just covered all yous need to know. Sox are 1-1 on the year. The first win is always the toughest. It almost feels like a couple of W’s, to be honest with you. I’m gonna grab a taste of the bourbon I hide out back behind my shed now that the old lady’s passed out.

Things keep up like this and I might just take that ponytailed dweeb up on his free furniture deal over at Jordan’s.