Local Man’s Game Recap (Rangers 10, Red Sox 7)

BY FRANCIS FLYNN

CARVER, Mass – Well, that was ugly. Not exactly an open and shut beatdown since the Sox scored six runs in the last three innings. But that was close enough to an ass-reddening spanking irregardless.

Can’t make excuses. But tough conjuring together a solid lineup right now with Shane Victorino and Will Middlebrooks hurt. Yeah, it was real nice hearing all about this new guy Roberts and his hundreds of tattoos. Fantastic. How about tattooing a pitch or three next time Pierzynski gets on three times in front of ya? You know, the walks are good too and all but ya know it’s hard to look like much of a badass pipsqueaking your way down to first base after ball four.

Maybe a curtsy or incorporating the bat into some kind of baton routine would help out next time? I don’t know call me old-fashioned but if you’re new you should hit one off the wall in your Fenway debut. Always helps.

Finally. Someone’s gonna have to explain these NESN text polls that the broadcasters just insist on doing every game. I realize baseball’s having its moment with the hipsters right now. But this real-time “text your answer” shit is real-time stupid if ya catch my drift. The whole gimmick is about as lame as the day is long.

I recognize the fact that I’m in a grumpy mood because Doubront got shellacked tonight. But gimme a break. Wake me up when everyone’s close to finished being impressed with themselves for having a cell phone. In the meantime, I’m gonna tack on a little postscript to my nightly prayers asking for a pitcher’s duel in tomorrow’s rubber game.

Ed. Note: Carver man and friend of the site Francis Flynn is an avid Red Sox fan, Boston-born and bred. Flynn’s day job is maintaining a 10-acre cranberry bog and tract of farmland that has been in his family for three generations. But his passion is following his region’s most beloved baseball team. Flynn recently agreed to provide Fenway Pastoral readers with his own recaps throughout the 2014 regular season. All we had to do in return was promise to publish his pieces unedited and to send him a case of Miller High Life (bar bottles were specified) every week.

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