Category Archives: Red Sox

Screen Grabs from MLB Classics on YouTube: Boston at Cleveland, Game 5, 1999 ALDS

Last week, we took some fun still shots from Game 1 of the 1990 ALCS between Oakland and Boston at Fenway Park.

Today, the series continues with a recap of Game 5 of the 1999 ALDS: the Red Sox at Indians at Jacobs Field. The starting pitching matchup was Bret Saberhagen versus Charles Nagy. But a certain other right-hander for Boston would calmly bide his time on the bench before eventually stealing the show.

The Fox feed is spliced with audio from Indians radio announcers Tom Hamilton and Mike Hegan.

04:21: A Cleveland fan sporting a sign that says, “We Are the Curse” is really quite excited that Charles Nagy has induced two quick groundouts in the first inning.

Curse sign

06:06: Brian Daubach singles and Nomar homers to center field (on the first pitch). 2-0, Boston.

Nomar HR

08:55: Bret Saberhagen, his shoulder tendons held together with “steel anchors,” got the start for Boston in Game 5. Sabes also started Game 2 and gave up six runs in the 3rd inning as Cleveland won 11-1. Shoulder pain (which forced him to the DL three times during the regular season) restricted his ability to throw his change-up, which at his advanced age was about the only swing-and-miss stuff he had left.

Saberhagen

11:44: After Saberhagen misses badly en route to walking Kenny Lofton to open the inning, a shot of Pedro Martinez calmly sitting in the dugout.

Pedro in dugout 

13:29: Mike Hargrove quickly gave up on his dispute that Jason Varitek may have touched an Omar Vizquel bunt attempt in fair territory. So Jimy Williams’ coming out of the dugout afterward feels a bit, you know, gratuitous…almost like he just wanted to be seen here. He looks pretty comfortable and relaxed, though.

Jimy Williams pants

14:20: For no reason in particular, let’s take a moment to admire the well-timed, controlled extension of Kenny Lofton’s left arm on this slide as he easily steals second base.

Lofton slide second

16:01: For no reason in particular, Fox takes a moment to show Pedro sporting spikes in the dugout after the Indians quickly get a run back off Saberhagen.

Pedro's spikes

17:00: Manny’s well-documented struggles in the series (0-for-15, 7 Ks) were believed to be due to a glitch in his batting stance in which he had his feet too close together.

Manny

19:44: Split screen of Pedro Martinez trying to will Saberhagen out of the inning from the dugout. Jim Thome would hit a mammoth two-run homer. Three more cuts to Pedro sitting on the bench. Hamilton eventually says Pedro is available for maybe two innings. Hegan says that’s still a “big if.”

Pedro clapping

35:25: Travis Fryman’s home run (briefly called a double before the umpires conferred) in the 2nd inning chases Saberhagen. Derek Lowe is first out of the bullpen. Lowe would wind up surrendering three runs in two innings.

Lowe bullpen

47:31: Trot Nixon doing eye drops in the dugout in plain view of everyone. Everything you’ve heard about performance enhancers in the late 1990s was obviously very true. And just look at a dejected Bret Saberhagen pretending not to notice or care.

Nixon eyedrops

50:57: The Indians walk Nomar to get to Troy O’Leary.

IBB Nomar

51:55: Troy O’Leary hits a grand slam on the first pitch. 7-3, Boston.

Oleary GS

1:00:09: Capping off an Indians rally, Jim Thome hits his second jack of the game – this one off Lowe – to quickly give the Indians back the lead, 8-7.

Thome 2nd HR

1:03:06: Look who’s up in the bullpen….Rod Beck! And some other guy in the shadows on the left.

Beck and Pedro pen

1:14:24: Pedro comes in with the game tied, 8-8, after John Valentin hit a sacrifice fly in the top of the 4th.

Pedro 1_14_pt1

1:14:51: Jimy must have been saving John Wasdin, Kent Mercker, et al for later…

Pedro 1_14_pt2

1:15:02: Pedro had actually gone only four innings in Game 1, looking mortal while striking out just three batters before leaving with back pain. It was no foregone conclusion he was OK five days later.

Pedro 1_15

1:18:16: Lofton tries to beat out a grounder to first with that same slide he used to steal second base.

Lofton slide first

1:18:23: The result is a bit more painful…a dislocated left shoulder. A bad omen for the Indians. (Is there any other kind of omen in Cleveland?)

Lofton slide first_v2

1:33:35: Still shaking off some rust in the 5th, Pedro has a breaking ball slip out of his hand and barely miss Manny Ramirez. Manny would wind up earning one of three walks surrendered by Pedro.

Pedro to Manny

1:36:45: Pedro drops an absolutely perfect 3-1 curve right on the outside corner to Thome.

Pedro 1_36

1:50:40: A somewhat forgotten fact: Dave Roberts took over for Lofton in center after his ill-advised slide into first base. Roberts appeared in 41 games for Cleveland in 1999. The announcers would even lament that the team needed to “count on” guys like Dave Roberts to get to the ALCS.

Dave Roberts

2:00:34: Paul Shuey gives up an infield hit to Valentin and, after an intentional walk to Nomar, Troy O’Leary does it again. A three-run HR lands right over the Red Sox bullpen, which Pedro had rendered into a glorified cheering section.

Oleary 3run HR 7th

Boston pen 7th

2:00:57: 11-8, Boston. This Cleveland fan’s face sums it up…

Old Cleveland fan

2:03:12 / 2:03:32: These guys too.

Other Cleveland fan

Third Cleveland fan

2:04:52: And, as Pedro begins to look more untouchable, striking out contact hitter Roberto Alomar swinging.

Cleveland fan 2_04

2:06:10: Manny strikes out looking, which doesn’t help this fan’s outlook. Fox spent as much time showing Cleveland fans just staring into space as it did Pedro breezing his way through a 1-2-3 bottom of the 7th.

Cleveland fan 2_06

2:18:00: Nomar ends the eighth with this catch in foul territory.

Nomar 8th

2:20:40: Rheal Cormier, Ramon Martinez and Rod Beck all got loose in the top of the 9th.

Cormier Ramon Beck

2:21:36: Donnie Sadler! In to run after a Brian Daubach double, Sadler would score Boston’s 12th and final run on a Nomar double. Not that they needed it.

Donnie Sadler


2:31:00: Pedro completes six shutout, hitless relief innings. Finishing with Beck or Cormier just wouldn’t have been right.

Pedro ends it

Pedro ends it 2

Fun Screen Grabs from MLBClassics on YouTube: Game 1 – 1990 ALCS, Oakland at Boston

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As Jonah Keri recently wrote in this Grantland piece, MLB has finally relaxed its laughably strict copyright standards and posted some full-length broadcasts of old baseball games on YouTube.

Even after only a couple of weeks, it is becoming pretty clear that MLB was actually doing baseball fans a favor by withholding the goods for so long. These classics are mesmerizing. And with the outcome long since known and catalogued away in forgotten game stories, the nuances of a dated baseball broadcast can receive its full due.

As a service to Red Sox fans unable to devote three hours* to watching games that were played decades before, Fenway Pastoral will take some of the more compelling screen shots from some of the Boston games featured on the YouTube page.

*Amalie Benjamin and The Boston Globe will be happy to note that advertisements were edited out and the 1990 ALCS video runs a tidy two hours and 45 minutes.

Game 1 of the 1990 ALCS featured a starting pitcher’s duel between Dave Stewart and Roger Clemens for most of the night before Oakland scored seven runs in the ninth inning for the blowout. What, exactly, makes it a “classic” is probably up for debate.

20:08: You know it’s playoff time when the network goes to the establishing shot from a blimp above the Charles River.

Blimp shot

28:10: Tony Pena uses the unconventional outstretched leg with the bases empty to receive a Clemens offering. Hurts the hamstring just looking at that.

T Pena

29:58: With two strikes on the light-hitting No. 9 batter, Mike Gallego, this Boston-are priest knows it’s gosh-darn time to get flipping serious. His prayers weren’t answered, though. After getting ahead 1-2, Clemens got squeezed on a couple of close calls and Gallego eked out a walk.

Priest

(Clemens keeps cool though. It’s not like he’s going to get all bent out of shape about a couple tough calls in the early innings of an LCS game and jeopardize his team’s chances to win by getting run for arguing balls and strikes.)

36:23: Tony Pena with a completely unreasonable, out of control slide through the first base bag on a groundout. Judging by his grimace, he seems to realize it wasn’t such a fantastic idea maybe. Hindsight’s 20/20. Jim Kaat explains, “He almost caught that bag with his chin!”

Pena 1B slide

37:52: All three of these guys would wear the Boston uniform after their respective heydays. Willie McGee was a lifetime National Leaguer aside from two partial-season cameos on AL playoff teams – the 1990 Athletics and the 1995 Red Sox.

Future Sox

38:18: The obligatory explanation by Dick Stockton, for the national audience, of the Red Sox’s “haunted” past. Even worse, the producers decide the Jimmy Fund logo is a fine backdrop for “September 4, 1918.” Have some damn respect…

9 4 18 graphic

48:17: After Carlos Quintana grounds out to start the bottom of the fourth…DIAMOND WIPE!

Diamond Wipe

48:44: Moments later, Wade Boggs homers into the second row of the Monster Seats. Known very quaintly in 1990 as “the screen.”

Boggs HR into Screen

55:00: Why the Red Sox really, really needed to win Game 1 to have a chance. Amazingly, Dana Kieker was actually 29 years old during his rookie year in 1990.

Welch v Kieker

58:12: Note the left-field wall down the foul line still measured 315 feet in 1990. A few years later, a bored Dan Shaughnessy would measure the distance and convince the team to change the fraudulent reading to a more truthful 310 feet. It was easily the most (only?) useful thing he’s done in his professional career.

315 LF line

1:07:46: Tony Pena almost runs out from under of his helmet, but can’t avoid grounding into a double play. (Pena led the league in GIDPs that season.) On the bright side, he didn’t slide this into first base time.

Pena helmet

1:10:29: For what it’s worth, the guy who the Red Sox acquired for Jeff Bagwell earlier that summer was first up in the bullpen when Clemens issued his third walk of the game in the sixth. On top of that, he met the thick mustache status quo, a prerequisite for membership on the ‘90 Red Sox.

With this development, Kaat begins questioning whether Roger’s shoulder tendinitis is flaring back up. This seeded a mostly absurd debate among some fans over whether Clemens’ Game 4 ejection after cursing out Terry Cooney may have been at least partially self-induced once he realized his shoulder was too sore to pitch effectively in Oakland.

Larry Anderson

1:12:25: Bill Fischer visits the mound. Clemens convinces him to let him stay in the game and ultimately works to a full count against Jose Canseco before walking his fourth batter. Thankfully, Harold Baines lines out to Jody Reed just hard enough that he is able to double off McGee at second base. Six scoreless for a reeling Clemens.

Fischer Clemens

1:33:34: Jim Gray reporting from tarp alley, at least the third different spot in Fenway (other stand-ups were done from the right-field roof and the grandstand above the left-field corner), that the team told him Clemens was taken out solely due to pitch count, etc. and not because of any tendonitis issue.

Jim Gray on Clemens

1:45:04: Tony Pena tags Walt Weiss as he slides into home after tagging up on a fly ball to center. Unfortunately, the throw from Ellis Burks isn’t in Pena’s mitt at the time – it’s bouncing off Weiss’s shoulder blade. Tie game.

Weiss tying run

1:54:09: During this Canseco AB in the eighth, Dick Stockton relates Jose’s recent explanation for why he doesn’t speak to the media: “because everyone’s already formed their opinion of him…” Shortly thereafter, Jose must have decided to spend as much time as possible reinforcing all those negative sentiments. Anyway, he would wind up stealing third base and coming around for the deciding run on a Carney Lansford single.

Canseco 8th AB

2:09:15: Oh, look: The Budweiser roof deck, way back in the day when it was located in left field as a standing room-only section.

Fans on Monster - Bud deck

2:14:45: This girl is unimpressed with Mike Marshall’s pinch-hit single to left in the last of the eighth. Rightly so – the Sox strand him and go into the ninth down a run.

Sleeping girl

2:18:59: Ricky gets on base to start the ninth inning. Jeff Gray actually catches Ricky leaning after he measured out a very healthy lead, but Ricky still managed to dive back. Willie McGee also tries his best to give the Red Sox an out by bunting straight back at the mound, but Gray mishandles it. Oakland winds up scoring seven runs in the inning.

Ricky ninth inning

2:41:13: This is part of the reason listening to Eck fill in for Jerry Remy is hard to digest. He did some good things for the Sox earlier in his career. But Eckersley the Athletic is the lasting image from his career.

Eck

And the final score. Boston would wind up getting swept 4-0.

Final

Other potential freak injury threats that the Red Sox ought to guard against

By and large, the 2013 Boston Red Sox have been pretty lucky in terms of games missed due to injury. Disabled list stints have been relatively limited compared to the myriad ailments the team dealt with during much of the 2010 and 2011 seasons.

Freak injuries, though, are a storied part of nearly every baseball team’s past. In fact, Clay Buchholz’s AC joint ailment is hardly the first time a Boston pitcher has supposedly suffered an injury in a bedroom.

Rumor had it years ago that former Sox pitcher Paxton Crawford fell off his bed and onto a glass in Toronto, losing a couple pints of blood. (Whether you’d like to believe that a hooker “helped” him find his way onto that broken glass is a matter of personal slant that we won’t judge in this here space. However, just to be safe, it never hurts to pay for a woman’s escort service in the currency of her choosing.)

Anyway, it may be useful for the Red Sox to be mindful of the potential for these types of injuries in the future. For instance, any of the scenarios described below could easily sneak up at any given time and derail a promising 2013 campaign.

Uehara

Shane Victorino: The bubbly, rambunctious Koji Uehara takes things too far when he incorporates brass knuckles into his normally playful post-inning dugout rough-housing routine. Predictably, Shane Victorino bears the brunt of the damage. Wary of ruining the team’s newfound camaraderie, Victorino puts on a happy face and is a good sport about the whole thing, even through multiple plastic surgery procedures. (For what it’s worth, Uehara had struck out the side on nine pitches.)

J Dell

Mike Napoli: A pop up is lofted into right-field foul territory at Fenway, directly over Canvas Alley. First baseman Napoli assumes he can sell out and goes after it headfirst because it looks as though the natural cushioning provided by NESN reporter Jenny Dell’s amply-sized breasts will catch his fall. However, the NESN reporter’s bosoms wind up dealing Napoli a boulder-like blow to the skull and he suffers a concussion.

Applebees

Jackie Bradley, Jr.: Pumped up about his recent promotion back to the big club, Bradley once again visits the Applebee’s in Times Square prior to the finale of Boston’s three-game set at Yankee Stadium on Sunday. Good ol’ standby, “intestinal turmoil,” lands poor JBJ on the 15-day DL and he is asked to take a separate plane back to Logan.

Stephen Drew: A witch sneaks into Stephen’s hotel room in the middle of the night and swaps his spinal column with that of his older brother, J.D., which recent MRIs have indicated is comparable to an 85-year-old.

Boras

Jacoby Ellsbury: After going 5-for-5 with a pair of homers and three stolen bases against Houston in August, Scott Boras sends in some cronies to kidnap Ellsbury so that he ends his season on an positive note heading into unrestricted free agency. The ransom price is set high enough that the Red Sox can’t afford it without exceeding the luxury tax threshold for the year. Ellsbury is forced to laminate all 300 pages in his Boras Binder while holed up in a small cage somewhere in Mexico.

Alfredo Aceves: An enterprising blogger creates a GIF animation overlaying replays of all 1,746 pitches thrown by Aceves throughout the first half of the season leading up to the All-Star break. Alfredo becomes so mesmerized by the animation that he cannot stop watching it. He becomes convinced that he has the ability to recreate a moment in which he actually throws all of his pitches at the same time. The project quickly proves a massive failure and Aceves retires from the sport.

David Ortiz: Due to a bookkeeping error, Major League Baseball tests Big Papi for PEDs a record 15 times over the course of three days and Ortiz is eventually so depleted of blood and vital nutrients that he is checked into Mass General. Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy waits patiently at Papi’s bedside to ask the tough questions.

MLB: Boston Red Sox at New York Yankees

Jonny Gomes: Sporting a shaved head and beard almost identical to Mike Napoli’s, Gomes wakes up one morning and becomes confused as to his true identity. The Red Sox roll with the whole thing for a while, but with Gomes sporting a sub-.200 OBP well into June, Boston decides to place him on the disabled list with avascular necrosis (the condition Napoli was diagnosed with this past winter). Gomes doesn’t complain.

The Big Debate: Will fans boo former Red Sox Matt Albers, Rich Hill and Mike Aviles this weekend?

The Cleveland Indians visit Fenway Park for the first time this season on Thursday night, Game 1 of what will likely be a hotly contested four-game set.

The Indians’ 25-man roster features a laundry list of former Red Sox, including some recent Boston employees such as relievers Matt Albers and Rich Hill as well as utility infielder Mike Aviles. And lest anyone forget Justin Masterson was drafted by Boston and came up in the Red Sox system, serving as a spot starter and middle reliever before going to Cleveland in 2009 as part of the trade that netted the team Victor Martinez.

BOOOO

BOOOO!!

Already, there has been a hue and a cry over how, exactly, the slew of former Red Sox will be received in Boston now that they’re wearing enemy colors.

Local fans, some say, are notorious for holding grudges.

“Hey, look,” said Rick Davies of Ipswich. “If all those guys wanna be Indians, then we’re Cowboys…We’re cowboys from Boston and we hate Indians. We’re old school, dude. It’s just an old school rivalry.”

BOOOO!!

HISSSSS!!

It is, of course, a fair question to ask how much of a coincidence it could be that the Red Sox are seemingly so much better in 2013 than they were in 2012, when the roster included the likes of guys like Albers, Hill and Aviles.

“Character, kid. Character,” explained Richie Harwell from Norwood. “They were totally dragging the ballclub down. Bunch of bums.”

“Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but those guys were all on the 2011 Titanic disaster, weren’t they?” said Rita Jones of Haverhill.

BOOOO!!!

BOOOOOOOOO!!!

Asked to comment on this story, Red Sox President and CEO Larry Lucchino responded, “I don’t have anything to say about those guys. You’re the reporter. I suggest you go out and find some anonymous sources to say a bunch of inflammatory things about guys who have left town. They’re not playing for the Boston Red Sox anymore, so I wouldn’t know anything about whether or not they’re nice guys.”

Lucchino proceeded to lean his face in close, place his hand over one side of his mouth and say, “Or, you know, whether they’re low-character, drug-addicted, pill-popping, adulterous dirtbags who fans should boo mercilessly. I wouldn’t know a thing about anything like that.”

Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Fenway Park Opening Day Edition

clayFormer ladies’ man Clay Buchholz tore up his Dance Floor Dry-Humping Club membership card a few years back. He now lives a quiet family life with his wife, reality TV bombshell Lindsay Clubbine, and their young daughter. Clay took some time out from his preparations for Monday’s Fenway home opener to provide some insight and wisdom from his glory days as a bachelor to Fenway Pastoral readers.

Clay,
April is a time of renewed hope and I’m sure you’re grateful for the fresh start. But I’m curious: If you could travel back in time and live the life of one former MLB player for just one season, who would it be?

-Albert from Scituate

Well, Albert, this one is pretty easy. It would have to be Wade Boggs in 1987. He hit 24 home runs that year without even trying and he supposedly bagged that many women in the month of April alone – also without really trying. (Showing his sensitive side by balling his eyes out in the Shea Stadium dugout at the end of the ‘86 World Series was a power move by Wade.)

WB_86_BDD_560

Unfortunately, ‘87 was the last great year for Wade before that realtor from California tried to ruin his life just because he decided he was finished with her. Really, what did she expect? He was just hitting his prime in so many ways and just crushing every pitch and bedding every broad that came into his sightline. He was a legendary carouser, a ballplayer on his way to the Hall of Fame and, oh yeah, he could drink like a hundred beers in one sitting. I mean, who else in history has embodied that many American dreams at once? I appreciate the legendary depravity of a guy like JFK but he had to make major decisions that impacted the world and stuff. Wade just chilled out with his mustache, slugged gallons and gallons of foamers and the magic came to him.

Clay,
Surprising blind dates with box seats at Fenway Park doesn’t really get the juices flowing the same way it did five years ago. Is there anyway to supplement the experience so that these women are a little more appreciative? These seats ain’t cheap…

-Frank from Salem

Frank, I get tired of lazy dudes like you who think the field box at a Red Sox game is some kind of automatic panty-dropper for some chick you met on the Internet. You guys are always the ones standing and begging for the baseball after I cover the inning’s last out at first base and head to the dugout. Like the baseball is some big teddy bear that you win at a carnival by throwing a baseball through a hole the size of a garbage can. Even worse, back in the day, dudes like you would call me after you caught some ball I’d carefully written my phone number onto and was clearly trying to throw to the broad sitting behind you during warm-ups. You need to get a clue, Frank.

Clay,
I heard about a beer and hot dog discount at Fenway Park being advertised for April home games. It sounds fantastic. Can you give me more details?

-Bob from Sudbury

Sure, Bob. The $5 beer deal is only applicable for 12-ounce pours of domestic brews like Budweiser. So unless you’re 17 years old, standing in a crowded line just to save a few bucks on a cup of watered-down beer isn’t worth it. You’ll miss half the game. Check out the full-price lines and grab a couple of the more manly 16-ouncers. Yeah, you’ll pay more but dignified dames in the box seats will take notice as you’re walking down the aisle to your seats. They’ll assume money is no object to you and, trust me, that’s what you want them to think. You see, gals are wired to be turned on by that sense of power because that was what it was like way back in the stone ages and stuff. I guarantee that when the alpha-dog cavemen got together for whatever sport was America’s past-time back then, they would not have settled for 25% less beer.

Clay,
I just got season tickets for Fenway and I’m planning on using one of those popular dating applications for smartphones that tells you where the girls who are ready to put out are located. Which area of the ballpark do you think would be a good jumping off point? Fenway isn’t really that easy to maneuver around in and reception can be kinda crappy so I’d like to be close by so I can swoop in before all the other dudes using Skout blow up my spot.

-Titus from Halifax

The weird nooks and crannies throughout the bowels of Fenway Park are part of its oft-cited charm and character. However, these same features make the ballpark a dizzying maze of walkways, ramps, stairways and green-painted cement walls. If you’re sitting in the left-field grandstand, it’s gonna be pretty hard to get close to some babe looking to party down near Tarp Alley. She’s a pipe dream at that point.

Instead of using your little pocket computer to send out signals, take the bull by the horns and draw attention to yourself the old-fashioned way: Get outrageously drunk and yell vulgar things at the opposing team’s outfielders. Go bare-chested for the last few innings and helicopter your shirt above your head like a maniac – especially if it’s like 40 degrees. At least one woman in your section will take notice and she’ll assume you’re tough because you can’t feel cold (or shame). Then, at the end of the ballgame, if we don’t pull out a win, sit in your seat and cry for a few solid minutes and stare into space as everyone is leaving. This is a desperate measure. But, hey, it worked for Wade Boggs.

Clay,
Will you pitch a perfect game this season so I can get a free mattress from Jordan’s Furniture? Just don’t be an ass and do it before July 19, OK?

-Chris from Malden

I think it would be even cooler if John Lackey pitched a perfect game through 26 batters and then threw four straight wild pitches to the backstop and dropped to the ground and pretended the infield was one big memory foam mattress. He deserves to have some fun this year.

Talk to you all again real soon.

In honor of the newly appointed Pope Francis, a history of Franks to don the Red Sox uniform

MalzoneFrank Malzone (1955-1965) – A member of the Red Sox Hall of Fame and recognized by most as one of the top 50 players in franchise history, Malzone continues to serve as a player development consultant for Boston at age 83. He ought to be recognized for his devoted, undying, Pesky-like commitment to the team. It’s too late to decree that a foul pole be named after him, but “Pope Malzone” does actually have a certain ring to it…

ViolaFrank Viola (1992-1994) – As someone with an appreciation for the mystical and unexplained, Frankie V was known to change gloves during the middle of the game if he felt like karmic influences (or just the umpires) were against him. Judging by how chummy he looks hanging with Roger Clemens, Viola’s paranoia was understandable.

Rodriguez

Frankie Rodriguez (1995) – Highly touted as a shortstop, Rodriguez was a second-round pick in 1990 and was later converted to a pitcher. He was ranked No. 9 by Baseball America going into 1992 and started two games for Boston in 1995 before going to the Twins. He pitched almost 200 innings for Pawtucket in 1994, helping fans get through some tough times while the major league players were on strike.

Castillo

Frank Castillo (2001-2004) – Probably would have to be classified as a bit too crafty for the Vatican’s liking, the veteran right-hander featured a fastball that would barely have a skittish little leaguer bailing out of a batter’s box if it were to slip away from him. It was downright sinful that professional hitters ever allowed his 85-mph fastballs to set them up for well-placed off-speed junk. Castillo did pitch one inning for the blessed 2004 World Series champs. So, um, a little respect, please.

Morales

Franklin Morales (2011-present) – Like Viola, he throws left-handed so both Morales and Frankie V may be slightly delayed at ol’ St. Peter’s Gate. But ultimately, if Morales can somehow provide the Red Sox with a much coveted swingman who can both start and/or pitch out of the bullpen, that would be pretty divine.

O'Rourke

Also: Frank Arellanes, Frank Barberich, Frank Barrett, Frank Baumann, Frank Bennett, Frank Bushey, Frank Duffy, Frank Foreman, Frank Fuller, Frank Gilhooley, Frankie Hayes, Frank LaPorte, Frank Morrissey, Frank Mulroney, Frank O’Rourke – 1922 (pictured), Frank Oberlin, Frankie Pytlak, Frank Quinn, Frank Smith, Frank Sullivan, Frank Tanana, Frank Truesdale and Frank Welch.

Fenway Franks

And, of course, a tip of the cap must go to the immortal Fenway Frank, despite its sinfully phallic shape and the questionable morality associated with industrial-sized vessels that squirt gobs of mustard and relish.

Good-natured newcomer Shane Victorino anxious to be dressed down by hard-assed Boston media

Favorable press is nice, sometimes, but unabashed gushing can beleaguer a major league ballplayer just as easily as vitriolic barbs from Boston’s talented stable of provocateurs.

That is the Number One Reason why Shane Victorino is excited to be a Red Sox.

Shane

Unlike Carl Crawford, new Red Sox outfielder Shane Victorino is ready to take on some serious abuse from local media this season (Photo from Midweek.com).

Speaking at the team’s spring training facility earlier this week, Boston’s newly signed switch-hitting outfielder expressed enthusiasm for what he expects to be a miserable first year in town trying to win over a by-and-large skeptical, provincial fellowship of bitter white dudes.

“In Philly all those years and then in LA for part of last year, it was like a honeymoon. The media was just kind of indifferent toward me. It was infuriating that they were so affectionate all the time. Calling me the ‘Flyin’ Hawaiian’ and applauding my non-stop hustle. Fuck, that got old.”

After signing a 3-year, $39m deal to play in Boston, Victorino suspects those days are in the past.

“I sure hope so,” he said. “I can’t wait for my first 0-for-5 game. I hope it comes early on in the season so we can get the hand-wringing going right out of the gate. Seriously, the press is even crapping on David Ortiz for not playing in spring training games after rupturing his Achilles last year. I mean, David Ortiz! The guy won two World Series and is a fan icon…”

Asked about any other character flaws that might be gradually introduced into columnists’ rip-jobs, Victorino did not shy away from offering up some nuggets that will undoubtedly be filed away for later use.

“Let’s see. I don’t participate in charitable endeavors as much as I could. My back is kind of sore. I don’t mind video games. I’m not going to hit 30 home runs or have 100 RBI. I hate Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. I’m not Caucasian. And oh yeah, $39 million is a lot of money, but I’ll be honest with you guys: I don’t even really need all of it.”

Re: The April 10 Fenway Sellout Streak Doomsday, Red Sox in creative manipulation mode

Last month, Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino publicly acknowledged that the Red Sox are experiencing a lull in popularity for a variety of reasons. Competitive cyclicality, roster turnover, and market saturation, to name a few.

But another explanation for the decline in demand for ticket sales for Fenway Park in 2013 is the team’s surprisingly arrogant attitude toward the true value of live baseball, which is as fluid a commodity as a block of gold, a gallon of gasoline or corn futures. The Boston Globe recently tackled the organization’s seeming indifference toward fleeing season ticket-holders who have declined to renew their accounts for 2013.

Meanwhile, the club has become equally as complacent in its handling of patrons interested in purchasing single game ticket purchases.

The team’s Double Play Pax promotion is a good case in point. On the surface, the Double Play Pax idea seems to be a smart attempt to convince Red Sox fans to purchase seats for less popular games (see the box below, right) by offering a crack at tickets to more desirable games (mainly, the rights to buy Sox-Yankees tickets). In exchange for their purchases of early season duds, fans double-down on a marquee game (as defined by the club in the list below, left).

DP Pax

Now, here is the catch: There is no actual price reduction offered.

The below scenario becomes a likely result for people exploring Double Play Pax options on RedSox.com’s virtual ticket purchasing window:

Angels

Not visible in the screen grab above: “You, loyal Red Sox fan, are welcome to pay full price for these seats in Row 48 (Dunkin’ Dugout territory!) of the bleachers for a blue-chip match-up against Mike Trout’s Anaheim Angels. In exchange, here’s two more bleacher seats that are only 26 rows from the field – and more than twice the price – for a game that we have already identified quite publicly as a far cry from Pedro vs. Clemens circa 1999.”

Rather than addressing dwindling demand for less popular games by creating a tiered ticket pricing system as many professional teams do, or creating some free giveaways*, the Red Sox have decided to manipulate fans’ perception of present demand.

*Via a FanGraphs correspondent Zac Hinz, 27 MLB teams have a total of over 600 gameday promotions planned for the 2013 season, including bobbleheads, posters, photos, magnetic schedules, etc. The Red Sox have none. Maybe it’s just us, but giving the first 10,000 fans some cheap trinket is a time-honored baseball tradition and, if nothing else, it probably feels a little less sleazy than a team drumming up ticket sales by preying upon the stupidity and reluctance of the general public to sit down and do some simple math.

The team is in essence telling people already wary of purchasing tickets for one, solitary Red Sox game that the opportunity cost of buying tickets for an additional game ought to provide the ample rationale to hand over the additional money.

It is akin to infamous ploys by cable providers such as Comcast and Verizon in which subscribers are bullied into paying extra money for “bundle” packages that include unwanted add-ons like landline telephones simply because it is the only way to get HBO or Showtime at any price that might approach reasonable. Or, if you’re 85 years old, it is akin to robbing Peter of $20, hitting Paul in the face with a sock filled with 1,000 pennies and then giving Mary and Joseph upper bleacher seats for a late April game that starts at 6:30 p.m. against the AAAA-caliber Houston Astros.

So while the much-maligned, much-publicized sellout “streak” will almost certainly come to its merciful end sometime during the 2013 season, the team’s sales strategy this winter ought to absorb as much of the blame as any of the less tangible factors being tossed out there anecdotally, such as local fatigue for baseball; misguided talk of a “bridge year;” or the exaggerated wake of destruction left behind by Bobby Valentine.

Bobby Valentine sets up viral ad campaign imploring Red Sox fans to forget about him

The abortive 2012 Red Sox season ended five months ago. The calendar year has turned to 2013. Boston has a new manager and close to half the 2013 big league roster will be different. There is, nor has there been, occasion to think or utter Bobby Valentine’s name for quite a long time.

2391-Stamford

But Bobby Valentine understands that many fans remain heartsick over his departure. He has two eyes and two ears. He has heard players respond to the various barbs he has thrown at  players and management since being fired by the team last fall. He senses that fans feel a debt of gratitude toward him for providing the antidote to the poisonous culture that had infiltrated the locker room prior to his arrival after the 2011 debacle.

However, with Valentine now entrenched in a new journey as athletic director of a small private college in Connecticut , he believes it is fine time that fans move on and forget about him.

“I don’t know why everyone still insists on talking about my year in Boston. I’m sick of talking about the 2012 season. Let’s all move on from my time as Red Sox manager. OK? I’m not the Red Sox manager anymore. Bobby Valentine managed the Red Sox in 2012. Now Bobby Valentine doesn’t manage the Red Sox. Get it?”

To drive home his point that he is finished discussing his run in Boston, Valentine has purchased full-page advertisements in newspapers such as The Boston Globe, Boston Herald, Boston Metro and Providence Journal which will run on a daily basis throughout the baseball season. The spots will ask fans to kindly forget about 2012.

“The point of this ad campaign is, I want everyone to know it’s over now. I am finished talking about it. Starting now. That’s what this is about. These newspaper ads will remind everybody on a daily basis that I don’t think about Boston anymore. Starting right now. I swear. I want fans to open the sports section every day and see my face staring at them and just know I have moved on. Today is a new day. Tomorrow is, too.”

The viral campaign won’t stop there.

“We’ve got some YouTube videos and things that I’m going to post to a Facebook page. I’ll also be appearing at various bookstores around New England to autograph copies of Dan Shaughnessy’s biography of my predecessor, Terry Francona. Oh yeah, also, television ads will run after the top halves of the first, third, fifth and eighth innings of each NESN telecast. That will be a series where I’ll talk about things that happened last year and why they don’t matter anymore. And yes, there is a breakfast cereal in the works too.”

An official press release will be blasted later today providing Valentine’s cell phone number in order to field any and all future inquiries about his time as Red Sox manager, which he is now finished discussing.

Starting right now. (Call his cell phone for more details.)

ESPN somehow forgot the ! in Brock Holt!’s name in Thursday’s box score

This is unacceptable. The “worldwide leader” in sports coverage can’t even get Brock Holt!’s name spelled correctly. Sure, it’s only early spring and all and the Red Sox were facing a college team. But what an embarrassing oversight. How did the ESPN ombudsmen at Deadspin miss this?

Holt