The Jacoby Ellsbury Monologues

Whether they liked it or not, Boston sports talk radio listeners certainly got their fill of Jacoby Ellsbury conjecture over the past couple of months. Grumblings that the Red Sox outfielder is “soft” and took his sweet time returning from fractured ribs suffered in early April grew so frequent by July that it seemingly became accepted as the majority opinion.

But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. The reality is that stations such as WEEI and the Sports Hub don’t always have time to air all the callers waiting in the hold queue during the course of a day. As a service to its readers, Fenway Pastoral recently paid an undisclosed sum to WEEI, which in turn forwarded some listener calls our way. Some uncut highlights of caller rants have been transcribed below.

Fred from Norwell (on the car phone): I pay good money for season tickets in the center field bleachers so I can get a closer look at Jacoby Ellsbury. If I’m lucky, sometimes Jacoby Ellsbury will get close enough to the outfield wall that I can look down and see if he’s shaved or not that day. I was going to sell my tickets for September on StubHub, but now that Jacoby Ellsbury is back playing every day, I’m ready for the stretch run. The presence of Jacoby Ellsbury is a definite dealbreaker.

Alicia from Salem: I don’t know where all these people get off saying Jacoby Ellsbury stinks. People were so obsessed with Jacoby Ellsbury’s rib injury, as though his absence was literally the only reason the team went on a skid in July. A sore Jacoby Ellsbury isn’t going to be much help to anybody. Literally.

Robert from Walpole (on the car phone): I touched Jacoby Ellsbury once. It was so amazing! It was during the victory parade after the Red Sox won the 2007 World Series. Jacoby Ellsbury was just kind of hanging himself out of a Duck Boat and I reached up from the crowd and gave him a congratulatory tap. It was a pretty special moment…It’s not every day that you get a chance to touch Jacoby Ellsbury. I didn’t wash my hands for a week afterward because they had that faint smell of Jacoby Ellsbury on them.

Jennifer from Concord: I don’t know why the naysayers can’t just let us enjoy Jacoby Ellsbury while he’s young and exciting. The way Jacoby Ellsbury contorts himself to make those catches in the outfield is amazing to watch. I added a DVR option to my cable plan so I can pause the TV and just stare at Jacoby Ellsbury in mid-air, doing his thing.

Ed from Barnstable: I still can’t eat a taco without thinking about Jacoby Ellsbury. I guess winning everyone in New England free Taco Bell doesn’t buy you as much understanding as I would have expected.

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