Category Archives: Sports

Herald’s Silverman: If not this year, Sox won’t win until 2093

Posted on February 10, 2010 | Leave a comment

Boston’s professional sports columnists love to pretend every game, every season, every tiny parcel of history they happen to be covering is bigger than it really is. Bearing that in mind, this is either poorly constructed sarcasm or extreme hyperbole from the Boston Herald’s Michael Silverman:

The Red Sox went two whole seasons without winning a championship between 2004 and 2007.

Beginning next week in Fort Myers, we get to find out if the 2010 team looks capable of sticking to that same schedule — or plunging this region into another unimaginable 86-year swoon. We all know there is no in-between.

The fact that  Silverman’s angle isn’t clear here goes a long way in explaining the rift between intelligent readership and local newspaper sports coverage. At the very least, failed sarcasm (the lowest form of humor) should be buried somewhere below the lead graf. This is obviously meant as either a dig at fellow media members or a shot at a passionate, reactionary fan base. Neither helps sell more newspapers.

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Posted in Red Sox, Sports, The Boston Herald

Open Letter to Stupid, Sexy Nomar

Posted on February 9, 2010 | Leave a comment

What are you doing here, Nomar?

C’mon, it’s late and pitchers and catcher report next week. You’re too old to be showing up like this. I’ve told you already in the most Draperian way possible–life moves in one direction: forward.

Let’s face it, your pride wouldn’t let you accept a minor league contract or an invitation to spring training even if the Red Sox were to extend an offer. And there’s no money left, anyway. Mr. Epstein and Mr. Henry aren’t going to further stress the luxury tax threshold by signing a washed up veteran to a guaranteed deal. We had our time together, but it’s over now.

Stop saying those awful things about Marco Scutaro. Your jealousy is so transparent. It’s over. You need to go home. And don’t purposely leave those batting gloves behind just so you have an excuse to come back tomorrow.

You’ve only played in 120 games total over the past two seasons due to numerous injuries. When healthy, you weren’t particularly valuable to the Dodgers in 2008 or to the Athletics last season.

No, those pre-at-bat gyrations won’t work this time. We’ve all moved on.

Stop tapping your toes in the dirt like that. You can’t stay. What if Tug Hulett wakes up?

And don’t talk about Bill Hall like that. What’s he ever done to you? I know he’s not the sexiest utility guy out there, but he can play the infield and the outfield. And he hit 35 dongs a few years back. Don’t you dare bring up his 2009 OPS. He wasn’t well. You know that. You only started 17 games in the field last season.

I’ve told you a million times: you can’t platoon with David Ortiz. Yes, Mike Lowell is still here (he’s getting treatment in the trainer’s room right now). He’s going to know someone was sitting in his chair if you don’t get up.

You’re kidding, right? Left field when the team plays at home? Fenway Park’s outfield is small, but it still has some lawn out there. You hardly fielded your position at a stationary first base last year.

Watch you take batting practice? We both know that would just be a cheap thrill and we’d both regret it as soon as it was over.

I have to stop you before you again bring up CHONE projecting you for a 0.9 WAR this season. There aren’t 365 plate appearances for you on this team right now–even if you do stay healthy. I wish there were, but we just can’t go through all the questioning again.

The injuries. The reclusive personality. The pop-ups. It was a lot of stress.

Don’t you remember what everyone was saying about us in 2004? You hated the idea of “us.” You lost interest in our team. You never went out in our city like you used to in the old days. We had a fine time together last July, but we both knew it was temporary. A meaningless mid-week tryst.

This is all too much for this early in the season. We’ve got all these new guys that should make the team a contender well into the fall.

Don’t take it personally. Pedro’s been calling here, too, lately. I haven’t answered yet, though I doubt I’ll be strong enough to ignore him come May or June.

Fine, if you promise to leave, I’ll admit it. It would be grand if you found a way to play relatively well and bring value to the 2010 Boston Red Sox. You could get a few hundred at-bats and get the occasional spot start in the corner infield. It could be your swan song and a tidy bookend to an often misunderstood career. Yes, isn’t it pretty to think so.

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Fourth-grader suspended for discussing Jacoby Ellsbury’s Ultimate Zone Rating during math lesson

Posted on February 2, 2010 | Leave a comment

Milford, Mass–In a sign of the times, 10-year-old Thomas Griffith has been suspended for a week from Milford Elementary School after attempting to relate basic addition and subtraction principles to his classmates using Jacoby Ellsbury’s career UZR in center field.

According to the boy’s teacher, 41-year-old Mary Banks, Griffith caused a ruckus by suggesting Ellsbury had been less-than-stellar over the first two full seasons of his career. The boy pointed out that when combining the center-fielder’s positive output of ‘range runs’ to negative ‘error runs,’ Ellsbury’s reputation as a great gloveman might be somewhat exaggerated.

Naturally, the cited data angered the fourth-grade class’ large contingent of Red Sox fans, who asked to further delve into the numbers. However, Banks gave the boy a stern warning that he would be sent to the principal’s office if he continued to disrupt her lesson plan.

An avid learner, the boy attempted to avoid banishment from class by explaining that the statistic could be normalized by adjusting the stat for runs prevented per 150 games played at a given position (often referred to as UZR/150).

“We haven’t made it to the division unit in the textbook yet,” explained Banks during a special school committee meeting held to address the situation. “And his usage of both positive and negative integers was just confusing. I’m a fourth-grade math teacher, not Alfred Eisenhower.”

District Superintendent Bruce Whalen confirmed the boy’s suspension, citing strict teaching guidelines laid out by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts to prepare students for the upcoming 2010 MCAS exams.

According to the teacher, the boy was ultimately sent to the principal’s office after ignoring his teacher’s plea to return to an MCAS-supplied practice problem, which contemplated the cost benefit of replacing a duel-cassette-tape boombox with a new portable CD player equipped with 10-second skip protection.

“We can’t afford these types of distractions from the normal, accepted curriculum that has become status quo,” said Whalen. “We are determined to outperform last year’s MCAS results and we happen to like the system we have in place for keeping our district competitive.”

Asked for an example of a more appropriate math lesson that followed state curriculum fourth-grade standards, Banks cited Ellsbury’s recent jersey number change, “Jacoby used to wear number 46, but this year he will wear the number 2, which is 44 less than his old jersey number.”

The boy’s parents, Harold and Marcia Griffith, believe their son may have heard about UZR from some older kids in their neighborhood or perhaps from troublemakers on the bus.

“He’s already been grounded and told to stay away from the middle-schoolers on our street,” said Mrs. Griffith. “The next step may be home-schooling…We don’t want him growing up into some maladjusted teenager with a brain polluted by a bunch of useless formulas.”

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Ayla Brown rendition of ‘God Bless America’ to replace ‘Sweet Caroline’ at Fenway in 2010

Posted on January 18, 2010 | Leave a comment

BOSTON–In what can only be considered a preemptive attempt to curry political favor should Scott Brown win Tuesday’s special election to replace legendary Senator Ted Kennedy, the Red Sox plan to silence the celebrated voice of Neil Diamond at Fenway this season.

The shocking news was originally buried within a presser posted on the team’s MLB.com news releases page last Friday announcing minor league transactions. Within the release, disguised as a primer on potential impact players such as 41-year-old left-handed relief specialist Brian Shouse, the Red Sox announced that a recording of Brown’s daughter, Ayla, will replace “Sweet Caroline” in the middle of the eighth inning during all games played at Fenway Park during the upcoming 2010 season.

Brown, who has showcased her singing voice once or twice locally since appearing on American Idol, recorded the rendition of “God Bless America” on January 8 prior to performing the national anthem for the BU-BC hockey game at Fenway Park.

Club officials privately admitted to Fenway Pastoral that the timing of the release on the Friday before a long weekend was not a coincidence. After further questioning, the release was mysteriously edited and now merely highlights the relatively lackluster careers of journeymen such as Gil Velazquez, Fernando Cabrera, Jorge Sosa and Shouse.

According to a club executive speaking on condition of anonymity, the team believed they could successfully bury news about the cancellation of the playing of “Sweet Caroline” after local beat writers did not initially report the signing of the veteran Shouse until nearly two weeks after the transaction was posted on news wires.

As would be expected, the replacement of “Sweet Caroline” with an Ayla Brown cover was not received kindly by Red Sox fans.

“Right now, it’s probably the only thing Massachusetts can agree on,” said Barry Taylor of Jamaica Plain. “‘Sweet Caroline’ is awesome and everyone loves it. I’ve seen a lot of frustrating defeats at Fenway where the only good thing about the game was hearing Neil Diamond.”

In fact, even staunch republican Curt Schilling, who has campaigned hard for Scott Brown on his blog, 38 Pitches, planned to denounce the decision on his blog sometime after the election.

“‘God Bless America’? Where are we, Yankee Stadium?” asked incredulous Cambridge resident Joseph Graham. “The team is going to regret this decision.”

Asked about the announcement this morning at the Martin Luther King Day breakfast, Martha Coakley responded with a question of her own: “Who the (expletive) is Brian Shouse?”

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With bulldog-like effort, Boston sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy runs 10-minute mile

Posted on December 15, 2009 | Leave a comment

NEWTON, Mass.–The Boston Globe Magazine’s Bostonian of the Year award may just have another, last-minute candidate. In an amazing feat of athletic prowess and determination, the newspaper’s sports pundit, Dan Shaughnessy, ran an entire mile in 9 minutes and 58.24 seconds yesterday on a treadmill in a local gym near his home.

The milestone shatters his previous personal best, which had generally leveled off at around 12 minutes, as he famously wrote in a 2003 column entitled “A Milestone, In Slow Motion.”

While Shaughnessy’s work can be polarizing, the feat is already being universally heralded as one of the most impressive athletic achievements by a Boston sportswriter in the city’s rich history.

According to his personal trainer, Brutus Sullivan, Shaughnessy’s newfound speed can be attributed to an unparalleled desire to become the best in his profession at something. “Dan just wanted this so bad. Blood, sweat and tears, he gave it his all and pushed himself to the limit. I’m so proud of him.”

“A lot of guys his age lose their competitive edge toward the ends of their careers. They’re just going through the motions, doing radio or TV spots, collecting a paycheck and saving for a summer house on the Cape. Dan burns with an undying fire.”

Gym members on hand to witness the feat heaped praise upon Shaughnessy, who trained for months leading up to yesterday using a vigorous workout regimen that nearly forced him to reduce his frequent appearances on national shows such as ESPN’s Jim Rome Is Burning.

Kathy McQuide watched from a Stairmaster and came away impressed. “He isn’t the biggest or the fastest guy in the cardio corner. His strides are a little clumsy and he clearly gets winded pretty easily, but he wasn’t going to let it affect his performance. You could tell he had a job to do and I’ll be damned if he didn’t just stepped up on that machine and do it.”

“He might as well have shown up with a hard hat and a lunch pail…just a gutsy all-around effort,” said Pilates class instructor Eric Nielson.

McQuide and other bystanders’ accounts of Shaughnessy’s effort painted the picture of a scrappy, hard-fought struggle to prove naysayers wrong. However, Tony Reading wasn’t quite sure what all the fuss was about from his vantage point in the free-weight area.

“I didn’t have a very good sightline and I missed the last five minutes, but from what I saw Dan seemed to be dogging it a bit at the outset,” Reading recalled. “His shoes were pounding that conveyor belt pretty good but I was surprised he didn’t look more tired.”

Not wanting to draw attention to his achievement, Shaughnessy declined comment for this story and refused to take the bait when told of the non-believers questioning his will.

His personal trainer backed him up with the utmost praise, however. “That 9:58 mile time kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it?” Sullivan asked rhetorically. “He’ll always have that and no one can ever take it away from him.”

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Analyzing the 2010 Sox Pax

Posted on December 8, 2009 | Leave a comment

John Henry and every other red-blooded market capitalist will tell you that purchasing commodities in bulk well in advance of their expected maturity in value is the perfect way to maximize riches in a down economy. Along that vein, Fenway Pastoral is here to analyze the latest ten-fecta of Sox Pax ticket packages, which go on sale this Saturday, December 12 online, over the phone and at the team’s Christmas at Fenway Event.

(The organization cautions that refunds will not be issued if Marco Scutaro winds up as the Red Sox’ marquee offseason acquisition.)

Sox Pack 1 is an “Opening Day” collection that guarantees a ticket to Boston’s very first game of the season, which is against the New York Yankees. Fans cannot go wrong with this selection for their Sox Pack purchase, despite the inclusion of clunker games against the Texas Rangers and Baltimore Orioles. Meanwhile, the May 12 game against the Blue Jays scheduled for 1:35 p.m. will have a certain slap-in-the-face feeling for those who already played hooky or skipped work six weeks earlier to see Opening Day. The Bottom Line: You’re going to Opening Day against the hated Yankees, which means you can toss verbal barbs at CC Sabathia or Roy Halladay from the grandstand.

Sox Pack 2, “Patriots Day,” also guarantees an early April ticket for a Yankees game as well as a ducat for the coveted Marathon Monday matchup against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Fenway Pastoral took a glance at the schedule and projects David Price to be on the mound for the D-Rays that day. Payback for the 2008 postseason will never feel so sweet as it will 10 beers deep at 11:30 in the morning. Meanwhile, fans wearing old Alex Gonzalez No. 10 Boston jerseys to the Toronto game must remember to X-out the former Red Sox shortstop’s last name after his defection to the Canadian enemies up north. (Bob Ryan has already filed his column telling fans whether they should or shouldn’t boo A-Gonz in his return to Fenway.)

Pack 3 is the TGIF “Thank Goodness It’s Friday” set. Twenty years ago, this package would not have sold very well due to stiff competition from ABC’s enormously popular TGIF television sitcom lineup that included classics such as Full House, Family Matters and Perfect Strangers. Tivo, DVR and Hulu have rendered appointment viewing an artifact of the 20th Century that no one will be able to seriously acknowledge in 50 years without snickering. In short, ABC’s TGIF phenomenon will make about as much sense as Derek Jeter’s Gold Gloves.

Who do the Red Sox think they’re kidding with their “Saturday Special” and “Sunday Special” Sox Packs (#s 4 and 5)? All game times are listed as TBA and both include two September games. Fans purchasing either of these packs will need to clear their schedules for two full weekend days that are more than nine months away. All Home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond jokes aside, solidified weekend schedules are a must when constructing large signs with clever four-word combinations for the NESN or ESPN acronyms. Making last-minute signs using a Sharpie and the flimsy cardboard from a Busch Light 30-pack just doesn’t have the same effect.

The selling points for the “Yankee Pack” and “Pinstripe Pack” (#s 6 and 7) center on the possibility that the final regular season games of the year, three home games against the Yankees, will serve as de facto playoff games. It could happen, but it’s just as likely that several of the games wind up with someone like Jeremy Hermida hitting cleanup.

On the flip side, the September 8 matchup against the Devil Rays is likely to have strong playoff implications. Meanwhile, Pack No. 7’s September 20 game against Baltimore could be one of those playoff spot clinchers, which can be especially fun for those fans interested in witnessing (or joining) drunken revelry in person.

The No. 8 “Yaz Pack” also features a Yankees game during the final weekend of the season. The bonus here is a complimentary 12-month prescription to the birth control pill that shares a nickname with the immortal No. 8. This ticket package is solid, especially so for sexually active female fans between the ages of 15 and 50. These types of cross-promotions would never have been offered on John Harrington or Tom Yawkey’s watch.

Sox Pack #9 is a “Splendid Splinter” collection featuring three important AL East divisional dust-ups as well as a ticket to see the perennially underrated Minnesota Twins. Sure, AL MVP Joe Mauer is likely to remain one of the best players in the league next season, but this Sox Pack does seem to lack a certain punch. Fenway Pastoral gets the feeling these are the types of games in which ownership will heroically give up John Henry’s dugout seats to some charitable foundation rather than waste Ben Affleck’s time. But seriously, these Packs make great stocking stuffers.

In trying economic times, deals such as the No. 10 “Extra Inning” Pack really cannot be trumped. The organization has pinpointed four games throughout the 2010 season that will go into extra innings, giving fans added value at no additional price. In 2009, the club was 4-6 overall (1-2 at home) in extra innings affairs. If sample sizes are your cup of tea, Boston was 1-0 in extra innings games played against the New York Yankees at Fenway Park in 2009.

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Five Half-Witted Things Tony Massarotti Managed to Cram Into One Column

Posted on December 3, 2009 | 1 comment

It won’t be long now before online readers will be asked to pay to view these posts of “Information, Insight, Analysis.” This morning’s column delved into the potential move of Dustin Pedroia from second base to shortstop. Welcome to the party, Tony.

(1) “For those of you who still think the Red Sox offense is going to be fine, ask yourselves this: if the Sox were concerned enough a year ago to offer Mark Teixeira the richest contract in club history – eight years, $170 million – how concerned are they now?”

They are panicked. They should increase their offer to Teixeira past $200 million and throw in the Ted Williams bleacher seat as a bonus. Honestly, the failure to sign Teixeira broke poor Tony. He’s had 12 months to heal the wound, but somehow those 300-plus days were not enough.

(2) “…the Sox are now looking for significant offense from their middle infielders because they know they are not likely to get it from other parts of their lineup, most notably from the designated hitter.”

This is some pretty confusing, roundabout logic. Apparently, Tony is a big believer in the theory that doubles and home runs are worth more when they’re hit by boppers like David Ortiz and Mark Teixeira. In his mind, grand slams by middle infielders are more like solo homers, at best.

(3) “For all of the criticisms that were made of someone like David Eckstein during his career as a shortstop – range and arm strength were chief among them – Eckstein was the starting shortstop on two World Series winners, one in the American League (the Angels, 2002) and one in the National League (the Cardinals, 2006).”

Back before writing tired storylines for Jim and Pam on The Office became so time-consuming, these types of ridiculous sentences would have been ripped apart in the most profane fashion imaginable at FireJoeMorgan.com. Now all we have left are lesser blogs imitating the style and a bunch of depressing relationship humor. Next year, look for Tony’s book examining how many career touchdowns Randy Moss would have if he only tried as hard as Wes Welker.

(4) “…the Red Sox would be making the move largely to account for other deficiencies, specifically in the middle of their lineup.”

Leave it to a Boston Globe sportswriter to attempt to stir up outrage by suggesting to fans that their favorite baseball team might be trying to toggle their lineup in such a way as to score more runs over the course of a season. Get pissed, Red Sox Nation!

(5) “Moving him to another position would be have been (sic) akin to making Jonathan Papelbon a starter in the earlier years of his career. Why dilute that? Why steal from one area to shore up another?”

Newspaper writers have not been using passive voice enough. It seems to have been a lost art in a lot of ways. Oftentimes, poor grammar and extraneous wording is utilized to mask laughably terrible arguments and rationales. For example, saying one thing is a bad idea by equating it to a very good idea – attempting to maximize a young pitcher’s value to a ball club – isn’t going to win many accolades. Unless that guy from Detroit who voted Miguel Cabrera for MVP is the one handing out the awards.

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Jason Bay to Belichick: ‘The best defense is a good offense’

Posted on November 18, 2009 | Leave a comment

Letters continue to pour into Foxboro. On Monday, former Sox skipper Grady Little outlined why Bill Belichick ruined his life. Yesterday, Larry Lucchino sent the Patriots coach some words of encouragement. And today, free agent Red Sox outfielder Jason Bay:

Dear Bill,

I’m with you, dude. Why is everybody overvaluing defense so much these days? The writers, the fans, the coaches, the front offices. Everyone is doing it! Why can’t we go back to the glory days a decade or two ago, when runs (or points) on the scoreboards were what earned guys the big bucks?

Needless to say, I was right with you all the way when you went for it on fourth down on Sunday night. Minimizing the effects of a suspect defense and concentrating on such a worthy strength as high-powered offensive prowess is just fine by me.

Look, you’re talking about a top-tier offensive unit led by one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the game. It’s pretty simple. If you can’t keep the other team from scoring, you better be able to beat them at their own game. Outslug the bastards.

Six or seven times out of 10, you would have picked up that first down and the game would have been over. I’ll take those percentages every time in my profession.

It’s really not fair when you think about it. Tom Brady throws for almost four hundred yards and three touchdowns. Yet, somehow, everyone forgets about that beautiful, high-flying home run ball to Randy Moss. All they want to talk about is some isolated, relatively rare moment when he didn’t manage to generate a positive play.

I’ll admit it, I’m a hockey fan. I’ve never understood certain things about football and punting is one of those things. There really is no place for it in the modern game. It isn’t 1950 anymore. Why is it that people insist on perpetuating antiquated concepts? Offense is what professional sports teams should be focused on these days.

When it comes down to putting asses in the seats, there’s nothing more effective, more exhilarating than a high-powered offense anchored by a guy who hits a bunch of dingers…or throws a ton of touchdown passes.

Punting on fourth-down-and-two? That’s like Big Papi or Youk laying down a bunt with guys on base. What a waste!

I weep for the next generation if this is the direction professional sports is headed. I really hope everyone comes to their senses in a hurry and realizes that Albert Einstein was right: ‘The best defense is a good offense.’

– Jay Bay, free agent middle-of-the-order slugger, walk machine, run producer (and outfielder)

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Larry Lucchino to Belichick: ‘Thanks for the assist’

Posted on November 17, 2009 | Leave a comment

Grady Little’s email to Bill Belichick that appeared on Fenway Pastoral on Monday night was apparently not the only letter sent to the New England Patriots coach by someone with ties to the Red Sox. To wit:

Dear Bill,

That was awesome. It really was. I admit it. I don’t know the first thing about football, but I guess going for it on fourth down deep in your own territory is kind of a big deal, huh? I’ve faked my way through enough cocktail parties during which a football game was on TV to know that we can do just about anything we want this week and the spotlight is going to remain on you.

Originally, our public relations people were thinking the day before Thanksgiving or perhaps the day after for the annual announcement on ticket prices increases at Fenway Park. Now, though? I’m thinking we didn’t raise them nearly as much as we could have.

I know, I know. We’re raising ticket prices in this economy. Deal with it. If we had known you were going to stir such a ridiculous media frenzy, maybe we would have had a trade in place to deal away David Ortiz, too.

Sometimes good fortune just falls into your lap unexpectedly. I’ve gotta tell you, this is one of those rare moments you savor. You guys have stolen the spotlight away from us a number of years during the crucial ‘Hot Stove’ period in late fall and early winter with your perennially competitive, sometimes dominant teams. Unfortunately, the timing has often been quite poor for us. When we make a splash in free agency or via trade, we don’t want it to get swallowed up in the news cycle just because Tom Brady throws four touchdown passes against a mediocre defense.

Other times, though? When we have to issue a regrettable press release that will be construed by some in Red Sox Nation as a slap in the face? Well, let’s just say you’re something of a hero in our PR offices right now. Sure, some of the minions lost some sleep late Sunday night expediting the seat price increases press release. But it was definitely worth it from where I’m sitting.

Looking ahead to next fall, we’ve got a lot of decisions to be made that could be unpopular. If we do have to let Big Papi or Josh Beckett walk, we would definitely  appreciate some help during November sweeps week when the Colts are in town. Maybe next year, you can try a fake punt inside your own 20-yard-line with under two minutes to go?

Like this year, every blowhard and their mother will undoubtedly pontificate on whether or not they agreed with your decision. Meanwhile, we’ll remain Boston’s media darlings no matter what we do. After all, we’re the Red Sox. Face it, Bill, it’s a baseball town. What the hell have you done in the last five years?

– Larry Lucchino, Red Sox President and CEO

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Grady Little to Belichick: ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’

Posted on November 16, 2009 | 2 comments

New England Patriots personnel received a disturbingly angry email addressed to coach Bill Belichick that was sent to the Foxboro offices early Monday morning in the wake of the team’s 35-34 loss to the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday night.

Dear Bill,

I am so mad at you that I cannot contain myself from pooping and peeing myself, repeatedly. I am beside myself with rage. Who in the world do you think you are? Your horrendous decision making has ruined my life and I despise your very existence. Had your Wikipedia page not been locked for editing, I would have created an account simply to embellish horrific stories about you in your biography section.

Don’t you have any clue about the impact of your decisions? Have you absolutely no respect for reason and rationality? An entire region of loyal, goodhearted fans is confused and dumbfounded by your stupidity. You intended to defy steep odds with your own foolish whims and hunches. Look, now, where it has gotten you.

There’s a reason why statisticians are employed by every professional sports team except the Kansas City Royals. There is a set cadence to this world and you gosh darn better follow it. Without a set order of things, nothing would matter. Anarchy would rule and everyone would just do whatever the heck they felt at any particular moment. That’s not how the world works. YOU ALWAYS PUNT THE BALL ON FOURTH DOWN AND TWO FROM YOUR OWN 28 YARD LINE!!!

You punt that ball, Bill. You punt it. That’s the way NFL coaches have been doing it for years. And that’s the way they’ll continue to do it. That late in the game, Bill, what the players do is insignificant. It’s what you do as a coach to ensure they win the game in the consistent, conventional way that they’re used to.

I can’t even believe we’re having this discussion. I hate yelling at the TV. I really do. I’ll never understand it. Never. I am a god-fearing Christian man with love in my heart and tenderness in my soul, but I will never forgive you for this unnecessary pain and anguish. These games mean something. Winning against a hated rival matters. It matters!

It will be days before I can even think about leaving my house. All I can do now is curl up in my bed, eat my grits and try to forget it all. Perhaps by Wednesday, I will stop shaking with anger. Don’t bother giving us a bunch of convoluted percentages and witchcrafty mathematical formulas. You made the wrong decision and now you have to live with it.

– Grady Little

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