Dear sirs of Red Sox Nation,
I quite nearly choked on my biscuits while breakfasting on my open-air terrace this morning after hearing unsavory rumours on my handheld audio device that my Boston Red Sox are for sale. Thank goodness a lukewarm cup of Earl Grey was nearby to allow me to drown out the dire circumstances of such tracheal blockage.
Let there be no further debate: I am fully committed to the Fenway Sports Group and all of its components, including the beloved Red Sox Baseball Club of Boston.
I shan’t beat around the bush: I find all such rumours to be utterly insulting and downright nasty. I do believe the whole lot of it has been done to a turn.
Might I also state that Fox Business, from which this story originated, could not possibly have the inside intelligence to put forth such a preposterous claim – even if it were true – unless it had done something drastic, like figure out some magical way to listen in on private telly conversations.
As of this writing, I have lorded over this club for a decade, during which time we have won two world championships; made substantial improvement to Fenway Park; and effectively monetized the experience of diehard Red Sox fandom.
Make no mistake, we are just getting started. Our decline and fall has been vastly overstated. We have expunged vile bodies and, I pledge, Red Sox Nation, that we shall put out more flags before this whole thing is over and done.
Good day,
Fenway Pastoral 