While David Ortiz was busy in Kansas City participating in the Home Run Derby and All Star Game this past week, the rest of the Red Sox took advantage of a midsummer’s reprieve from playing baseball games.
Pitchers
- Jon Lester: Massaged my temples while sitting in a dark room for four straight days.
- Josh Beckett: Here – I made you an over-sized diorama of my activities out of an empty Miller Lite box filled with golf balls.
- Felix Doubront: Began mentally preparing to start one-game playoff against Tampa Bay to end regular season; the Wild Card play-in game against Anaheim a day later and Game 1 of the ALDS two days after that.
- Clay Buchholz: I did all kinds of cool things, but absolutely nothing involving an inflatable kiddie pool filled with mid-shelf vodka. I promise.
- Aaron Cook: Condensed and rewrote an entire script for an episode of HBO’s The Newsroom. The episode’s projected runtime is now three and a half minutes.
- Franklin Morales: Surrendered a third home run to Andruw Jones.
- Vicente Padilla: Signed up for copious amounts of beastiality porn site subscriptions under the handle mteixeira@yankees.com.
- Daisuke Matsuzaka: You don’t want to know. No, seriously, you don’t.
Infielders
- Nick Punto: Two Tough Mudder races (daily) and signed up for an Ironman Triathalon during the offseason. Did some pull-ups and practiced a few different sliding techniques.
- Adrian Gonzalez: Tylenol and codeine. Lots of codeine.
- Mike Aviles: Aimed some home runs off the Jordan’s Furniture sign in center field. Fans only win free furniture if I hit the ball on the first pitch, right?
- Will Middlebrooks: Getting infusion of blood enriched with anti-Tim Naehring plattletes.
- Dustin Pedroia: Spoke to a surgeon about possibly grafting a couple of the less useful toes on my foot onto my hands as “backup” thumbs.
- Mauro Gomez: Broke the starter cord on my lawnmower pulling the damn thing too hard.
Catchers
- Kelly Shoppach: Got close to convincing Tim Wakefield to make a comeback for the Sox. Heh. Deal with that, Salty.
- Jarrod Saltalamacchia: Had to spend a couple days talking Tim Wakefield out of a comeback attempt. He was insisting I would be catching his starts for some reason.
Outfielders
- Jacoby Ellsbury: Trainer’s room.
- Carl Crawford: Trainer’s room.
- Scott Podsednik: Trainer’s room/MRI.
- Cody Ross: Trainer’s room.
- Ryan Sweeney: Doc’s office.
- Daniel Nava: Nintendo.
Manager
- Bobby Valentine: I poured sugar in your gas tank while anally raping your mother. C’mon, just kidding. That’s a joke from the movie Clerks. Lighten up a little, guys…
Fenway Pastoral 