Witnesses say MBTA bus driver completed a full route stone sober

Passengers riding an MBTA bus from downtown Boston to Kenmore Square for the Red Sox game on Thursday afternoon were surprised to learn that the vehicle may have been navigated by a driver with a blood alcohol content of 0.00.

Contacted earlier today, city officials said they were aware of the accusations and that they were in the process of working with law enforcement personnel that may have video of the driver operating the bus in a safe, responsible manner.

“If there is definitive video evidence of abnormal behavior such as heeding to stop signals and safely avoiding pedestrians by more than a few inches, we will take the appropriate disciplinary actions,” said an MBTA official.

In defense of the employee in question, a spokesperson for the MBTA labor union argued that the video should not be the sole determining factor in the investigation because ultimately it could prove to be of little or no use.

“We are all well aware of the existence of so-called ‘functional alcoholics’ who show up to their occupations and perform at a high level on a daily basis despite being legally impaired in terms of blood alcohol content,” said the spokesperson for the MBTA labor union. “Let’s give this driver due process until we have gathered all the facts as part of a thorough investigation.”

Ironically, because the bus’ final destination was Kenmore Station near Fenway Park, where the Red Sox hosted the Angels on Thursday afternoon, many of the riders were too intoxicated themselves to stand scrutiny as viable witnesses.

“The Red Sox at Fenway for a day game on ‘Cinco de Mayo’? What did you expect?” said Owen McDonald, 25, of South Boston. “I can’t even remember if the driver was a guy or a girl. Tequila shots black me out every time…”

“Cinco de Mayo is such an important day in another nation’s history, so naturally I began drinking very early in the morning,” said James Bilson, 23, who boarded the bus at its origin in Government Center.

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