A decade later, 1999 Pedro is taking his dominance worldwide

Anyone alive to witness the brilliance of 1999 Pedro knew the success of that season would have consequences that would reverberate for years to follow. True to form over the last decade, 1999 Pedro has become one of the world’s most powerful governing forces, surpassing once-impenetrable public and private institutions alike.

1999 Pedro’s relative statistical value has compounded itself exponentially in recent years to surpass the combined net worth of all 30 companies on the Dow Jones composite index.

“1999 Pedro really took advantage of the bear market bloodbath over the last two years,” said one market analyst declining to give a name or company for fear of obliteration. “All the value his FIP brought the Red Sox in 1999 was re-invested at bottom-market prices in distressed funds and struggling companies desperate to stay afloat. Now that those assets are rebounding, 1999 Pedro is a bonafide superpower.”

In an apt twist of fate, 1999 Pedro recently purchased a minority stake in John Henry’s investment business using an unreleased version of the iPhone while he was waiting for a table at the Cheesecake Factory. (He did not have time for dessert.)

Another industry analyst was impressed by 1999 Pedro’s conviction in overloading his portfolio with investments in foreign stocks and junk bonds rather than safer municipal bonds and stable commodities such as precious metals.

“Guys like 1996 Hentgen and 2003 Gagne pussyfooted around and got themselves bogged down in stagnant money markets and gold futures,” observed another marketplace analyst. “1999 Pedro went for the jugular when the economy was already barely able to gasp for air. He is just as shrewd as he ever was.”

1999 Pedro has also taken an increasing interest in utilizing his incredible resources to become involved in international politics. Earlier this year, 1999 Pedro provided $100 million in private aid to the African Union to fund security forces formed to thwart pirate hijackings in waterways adjacent to the Horn of Africa. Sources close to the pitcher say he also has funds tabbed to expedite the release of Aung San Suu Kyi, who has been under military junta house arrest in Myanmar since 1990. He is a routine contributor to charitable causes such as the United States Peace Corps, Doctors Without Borders and Amnesty International.

It is difficult to quantify how much 1999 Pedro would be worth if he were a free agent pitcher on the open market today. Ten years, after all, is a long time. The world is a different place. The dot-com bubble has long-since burst and El Nino proved itself as nothing more than Generation X’s version of the Cuban Missile Crisis. Meanwhile, economic globalization continues to present fresh new challenges to both well-established and burgeoning markets.

One professional agent claimed he would open negotiations by asking for a 25-year contract with annual salaries calculated as a variable percentage of the combined gross domestic products of all countries in North America with the national budget deficit of France as a signing bonus. A baseline for 1999 Pedro’s annual roster bonuses, says the agent, would be set at no lower than 5% of all net earnings from oil exported from Middle Eastern countries.

“I’m sure, even then, 1999 Pedro would take a few days to mull over his other options,” said the agent. “He’s that prolific. I mean, really incredible. If Bruce Wayne’s Bat Cave really exists, I’m convinced he’s sitting down there right now eating mangos with Morgan Freeman and 2005 David Ortiz.”

Another agent says, “I just hope 1999 Pedro and 2005 Bartolo are never in the same room together, because that poor guy would get annihilated.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s