Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek has been sidelined this week with a neck strain that was purportedly caused by an ill-fated attempt to master a bedroom ‘move’ first outlined in a 1995 episode of the popular sitcom Seinfeld.
According to clubhouse sources, Varitek (affectionately referred to by fans as “V-Tek”) failed a crucial prerequisite for performing Seinfeld’s ‘move’ sometime during the team’s road trip to Texas. In the episode, the exchange between the comedian and his best friend, George Costanza, described the maneuver as follows:
Jerry: All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You’ll need a headboard. George: I got a headboard. Jerry: Is it padded? George: No. Jerry: Good. How tall is she? George: Five-foot four. Why? Jerry: You can’t have more than a one-foot differential in your heights…Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.
“Jason evidently didn’t take Jerry’s advice about the height differential…the woman apparently would have made Dustin Pedroia look like Manute Bol,” said the source. “Most of the guys think he also had a padded headboard, but there isn’t a lot of soft cushioning in it. The feeling is that it was similar to the padding at the base of the Green Monster or along the right-field wall.”
According to the source, the club is rationalizing the injury as a simple case of collateral damage resulting from his divorce last year. The Victor Martinez trade was completed, in part, to insure the team in the event of this type of injury to Varitek.
“V-Tek’s gotta play the field and prove his worth in certain arenas,” said a member of the catcher’s inner circle. “He can’t be a one-trick pony at his age. If he doesn’t prove his versatility, a younger guy is going to step in and take control. Nobody can really blame him for trying to add a new routine to his repertoire.”
Another clubhouse source concurred. “As a baseball player, V-Tek has always done those little, immeasurable things that don’t necessarily show up in the box score. Off the field, he’s the same way.”
Details on whether Varitek closed with a clockwise or counter-clockwise swirl were unavailable as of this writing.