Tag Archives: Pedro Martinez

No Pedro no Pedro no Pedro no Pedro no Pedro no!!!

Photo from NY Daily News

Laughing our asses off at the Yankees’ Bartolo Colon signing was fun while it lasted (several side-splitting hours). But what if they get really slap-happy with former aces from the early 2000s and sign Pedro Martinez?

Why even bring it up this early? Because perhaps the more it is talked about now, the lesser the chance it actually happens later.

Martinez signing with those rat bastard Yankees at some point this season just seems to make too much sense as of this moment. Pedro hasn’t decided if he’ll pitch in 2011 yet. But he loves attention and New York loves fawning over its over-the-hill athletes. The Yankees will need another starter, perhaps not right away, but sometime in June, right when Martinez would likely join a team.

Meanwhile, Brian Cashman isn’t exactly the only one with his hands on the purse strings. (Yes, the Yankees carry their money in a very large purse. It’s not even European…)

It is highly unlikely that Pedro would sign with a team unwilling to both guarantee him a starting rotation slot and pay him the guaranteed money for a few months of his service. The Phillies paid him a base salary of $1 million in 2009 for 61 2/3 innings, including the 17 he pitched in the postseason.

After their embattled offseason, the Yankees may be the only team that can both extend him the “respect” of a seven-figure guarantee and a surefire spot in a contending team’s rotation. Last season, it was fun for Sox fans to imagine Pedro coming back to pitch effectively for some random NL contender. Seeing the legend get by on wile, guile and style alone for Philly in 2009 was oddly intriguing. Any Sox “fan” still begrudging him four years later for his departure in 2005 was, well, probably complaining how “boring” the team was last season anyway.

This season? John Henry and Theo Epstein might just have to bite the bullet and make sure if Pedro does indeed want to pitch again for a team in the Northeast, the Red Sox are the first and only team Martinez calls. Because Pedro in Pinstripes may be the only Fenway sight more perverse than the New Kids on the Block defiling the outfield later this summer.

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A decade later, 1999 Pedro is taking his dominance worldwide

Anyone alive to witness the brilliance of 1999 Pedro knew the success of that season would have consequences that would reverberate for years to follow. True to form over the last decade, 1999 Pedro has become one of the world’s most powerful governing forces, surpassing once-impenetrable public and private institutions alike.

1999 Pedro’s relative statistical value has compounded itself exponentially in recent years to surpass the combined net worth of all 30 companies on the Dow Jones composite index.

“1999 Pedro really took advantage of the bear market bloodbath over the last two years,” said one market analyst declining to give a name or company for fear of obliteration. “All the value his FIP brought the Red Sox in 1999 was re-invested at bottom-market prices in distressed funds and struggling companies desperate to stay afloat. Now that those assets are rebounding, 1999 Pedro is a bonafide superpower.”

In an apt twist of fate, 1999 Pedro recently purchased a minority stake in John Henry’s investment business using an unreleased version of the iPhone while he was waiting for a table at the Cheesecake Factory. (He did not have time for dessert.)

Another industry analyst was impressed by 1999 Pedro’s conviction in overloading his portfolio with investments in foreign stocks and junk bonds rather than safer municipal bonds and stable commodities such as precious metals.

“Guys like 1996 Hentgen and 2003 Gagne pussyfooted around and got themselves bogged down in stagnant money markets and gold futures,” observed another marketplace analyst. “1999 Pedro went for the jugular when the economy was already barely able to gasp for air. He is just as shrewd as he ever was.”

1999 Pedro has also taken an increasing interest in utilizing his incredible resources to become involved in international politics. Earlier this year, 1999 Pedro provided $100 million in private aid to the African Union to fund security forces formed to thwart pirate hijackings in waterways adjacent to the Horn of Africa. Sources close to the pitcher say he also has funds tabbed to expedite the release of Aung San Suu Kyi, who has been under military junta house arrest in Myanmar since 1990. He is a routine contributor to charitable causes such as the United States Peace Corps, Doctors Without Borders and Amnesty International.

It is difficult to quantify how much 1999 Pedro would be worth if he were a free agent pitcher on the open market today. Ten years, after all, is a long time. The world is a different place. The dot-com bubble has long-since burst and El Nino proved itself as nothing more than Generation X’s version of the Cuban Missile Crisis. Meanwhile, economic globalization continues to present fresh new challenges to both well-established and burgeoning markets.

One professional agent claimed he would open negotiations by asking for a 25-year contract with annual salaries calculated as a variable percentage of the combined gross domestic products of all countries in North America with the national budget deficit of France as a signing bonus. A baseline for 1999 Pedro’s annual roster bonuses, says the agent, would be set at no lower than 5% of all net earnings from oil exported from Middle Eastern countries.

“I’m sure, even then, 1999 Pedro would take a few days to mull over his other options,” said the agent. “He’s that prolific. I mean, really incredible. If Bruce Wayne’s Bat Cave really exists, I’m convinced he’s sitting down there right now eating mangos with Morgan Freeman and 2005 David Ortiz.”

Another agent says, “I just hope 1999 Pedro and 2005 Bartolo are never in the same room together, because that poor guy would get annihilated.”

Local man is bored with Heidi Watney

CARVER, Mass.–Heavy rains recently transformed the rectangular plots of Francis Flynn’s cranberry bogs into dark, murky pools of standing water. The cloud cover above is so heavy that Flynn is forced to use a flashlight in mid-afternoon as he checks the engine of one of his tractors–one of several with a hanging Red Sox logo painted onto the front end. There is not much the cranberry harvester can do on rainy days aside from taking refuge in the dryness of his storage shed.
 
With summer’s dog days on the nearby horizon, the rainfall keeps his bogs nourished and healthy. The Red Sox are in first place and it should be a good year for cranberries. Yet Flynn still sighs as he organizes his shed’s tool rack.
 
“I wish I knew what was going on with Heidi. I’m bored with her,” Flynn says, shaking his head. “Last year, every time she was on camera felt like some momentous event. Lately, though? I’ve got to admit she hasn’t been doing it for me.”
 
After expressing strong hopesfor Watney’s sophomore season as NESN’s on-field personality in March, Flynn’s feelings toward the blond-haired reporter have cooled considerably.
 
“Yeah, of course I still think she’s attractive. It’s just seeing her two or three times a game? Every night, all summer long? I never thought I’d say this, but I’m looking forward to the All-Star Break next week. Will Erin Andrews be covering the Home Run Derby for ESPN again?”
 
Flynn is unable to pinpoint exactly what spawned his boredom, but offers some hard criticism of Watney’s wardrobe choices thus far in 2009.
 
“She’s wearing scarves and long sleeves on 70-degree days at the ballpark. That’s just plain wrong,” he said. “And there’s that one blue shirt that she wears about once or twice a week. I wish NESN had a rule where once Heidi wears something on air, it gets thrown away after the broadcast.”
 
Watney’s unchanging hair styling has also miffed Flynn over the first half of the 2009 season.
 
“She wears it the same way every night. I say curl it or put it in a ponytail or braid it or just do something different with it. She’s so stubborn. You know what it reminds me of? Papelbon’s insistence on throwing sliders lately. Maybe both of them have lost something off their fastballs…” 
 
Flynn measures his response carefully when asked if he would prefer Watney be replaced or temporarily spelled by colleague Kathryn Tappen.
 
“It’s not that I don’t think she can do it…I think she’s done a good job working the Bruins games and all that,” he says. “But it just seems like she’s a poor man’s Heidi. If I’m sick of Heidi, what’s Kathryn Tappen going to add at this point?”
 
The possibility of teaming both of them together briefly intrigues the pensive Flynn.
 
“You know, maybe. Heidi’s in a rut. The Sox’ bats are in a rut…It’s drastic, but maybe that’s what we need,” Flynn says. “A shake up of the lineup, so to speak.”
 
Still, the cranberry bogger hints at a clear departure from the ethnic diversity NESN once boasted. The Filipino-born and Canadian-reared Hazel Mae, former SportsDesk anchor, left the station last year and has since landed a gig with MLB Network.
 
“After Hazel left, they basically replaced her with some white guy who gives in-game updates,” laments Flynn. “I think I was less upset when Theo tried to replace Pedro Martinez with Matt Clement. You mean to tell me there haven’t been any other female Asian or Spanish television reporters looking for a job over the last year?”
 
A thunder shower moves through the area and drizzle gives way to a steady downpour. Flynn puts on his red rain jacket and fastens its hood around his head as he exits his tool shed. As the rain becomes heavier, Flynn realizes he has left the window to his tractor open and the driver’s side has become flooded with incoming rainwater. Cursing like a longshoreman, he angrily slams the door after rolling up the window.
 
“I hate to say it,” Flynn says as he peers up at the sky, “But I think Heidi’s time may be up.”