Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: Spring is in the air

Posted on February 24, 2012 | 1 Comment

These days, Clay Buchholz will do just about anything he can to keep his libido in check. (Photo from the Boston Herald)

Red Sox pitcher and former ladies’ man Clay Buchholz hung up his pimping cleats a few years back after marrying and impregnating TV star Lindsay Clubbine.

Periodically, he imparts insight and wisdom from his days as a bachelor to Fenway Pastoral readers.

Clay,
Some photos recently surfaced in which Terry Francona can be seen out and about, enjoying the nightlife with a 20-year-old broad? I’m really grossed out by the whole thing. I hope the rumors aren’t true and this is all some big misunderstanding…

- Judy from Andover

Judy, you sound like you’re pretty old-fashioned. Terry Francona is an icon around here and if he’s gotta exorcise a few demons by dating some younger locals, I think he should do what he needs to do. Personally, I’m really glad to see him land on his feet so quickly. I have some of that really pungent body spray leftover from my single days. (Known fact: Cheap, artificial scents tend to drive girls conceived either during or immediately after Mike Greenwell’s heyday absolutely wild.) I think I’ll send it over to him just as a sort of ‘Hey, what’s up, Terry. Hope you’re having fun out there’ kind of olive branch. He knows my number if he’s got any other questions.

Clay,
For Valentine’s Day, I bought my girlfriend one of those commemorative bricks for Fenway Park’s 100th Anniversary. I got it engraved with our full names and the date of the night we first slept together. I figured that the next time we were at a game together and stood waiting in line for a Fenway Frank beneath the right field grandstand, we could have gotten our picture taken next to it. The only problem is we broke up a couple days ago and the Red Sox have already commissioned the brick for their … um, big wall of bricks. They are refusing refund. Help.

- Aaron from Shirley

Well, Aaron, you learned a valuable lesson. Fenway Park 100th Anniversary bricks are for life. Just like herpes.

Clay,
Is it just me or does Jenny Dell (NESN’s replacement for Heidi Watney) look an awful lot like John Henry’s wife, Linda Pizzutti.

- Jake from Medfield

I’ve seen both these broads in person and I can honestly say their faces would be difficult to tell apart in a dark strip club after a few pulls of Grey Goose. Anyway, Mr. Henry’s been going around camp telling people that he was opposed to the Jenny Dell signing because he didn’t think the organization needed another brunette. I guess the NESN people thought otherwise.

Clay,
How weird is it that the local media can’t get over the fact that some players haven’t sufficiently “apologized” for knocking back a few brews and crushing a few breasts of chicken in the clubhouse last year? I mean, these guys on the radio and in the newspapers sound like a bunch of needy broads, don’t they?

-Larry from Weymouth

As players we gotta deal with reporters on a daily basis for seven months. They just need some reinforcement that what they do makes some kind of difference. And sometimes they just need a little bit of affection. So, yeah. I see where these dudes are coming from I guess. A couple days ago I put a soft hand on some newspaper columnist’s shoulder, looked him in the eye for a couple seconds, and said “Sorry about all that stuff that’s got you all upset, boss.” It was a nice moment, I think. Being well-experienced in treating a lady with tenderness has helped me keep a good rapport with the Boston media.

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TEH SOX ATE CHICKEN! You too, Joe McDonald?

Posted on February 17, 2012 | Leave a comment

ESPN.com’s Joe McDonald is generally considered a solid beat reporter. Alas, he too has fallen under the apparent irresistible spell:

Reaction: Presumably, @ESPNJoeyMac is being tongue-in-cheek here. But it’s still discouraging, particularly on a day when CSNE’s Sean McAdam (perhaps the only other decent Sox beat guy) also fell victim to the ridiculous Chicken Narrative, penning a column outlining why Red Sox players need to apologize for 2011 before moving onto 2012. Boston fans have already been here, in 2012, for about seven weeks now. It’s a shame none of the sports media cares to join us.

Literary Devices Employed: It was a Tweet. So…zero.

Final Grade: F-minus. Next time, Joe, leave the low-hanging fruit for guys like Peter Abraham.

Third in a series celebrating the Boston sports media’s refusal to abandon a dead storyline. Please send submissions to fenwaypastoral@gmail.com.

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They. Ate. Chicken. Boston.com’s Eric Wilbur joins local media’s Red Sox Chicken Circlejerk

Posted on February 16, 2012 | Leave a comment

It was Boston.com’s Eric Wilbur’s turn with the ol’ Red Sox Chicken torch today.

In “Red Sox sweeping regret under the rug” an edgy, primed-up Eric Wilbur takes his best shot:

No more jokes about chicken and beer. We’re talking about the health and nutrition of players here, people. Don’t you feel badly now that you laughed all winter about the human players’ right to eat? Why do you feel the need to pile on a laughingstock? Let’s see you go three hours without greasing up your hands and pounding some swill.

Some have opined that the “chicken and beer” story line was simply symbolic of how this team tanked down the stretch. That’s unfair. Have you ever had Popeye’s and Bud Light together? That’s a heart-stopping recipe not to be denied to anybody.

Reaction: Get some, Wilbur! Get some!

Literary devices employed: Thick sarcasm, audience-engaging rhetorical questioning, the daring use of subject/verb agreement.

Takeaway: Wilbur appears to be initiating an attempt to lead Adrian Gonzalez (the team’s best player) toward the woodshed for actually giving a reporter the time of day by issuing a benign answer to a question about something that happened five months ago. Boston.com is essentially the graveyard in which insightful baseball analysis goes to die … before being memorialized in 50-page gallery format. Wilbur is no stranger in a strange land. Here, he proves himself something of an apprentice Masserotti, getting paid by the pound to shovel low-grade fertilizer onto the site’s Red Sox content farm.

Final Grade: D-minus.

Second in a series celebrating the Boston sports media’s refusal to abandon a dead storyline. Please send submissions to fenwaypastoral@gmail.com.

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They ate CHICKEN?!1: Hacky reference of the day goes to Boston Herald’s Borges

Posted on February 15, 2012 | Leave a comment

Coverage of 2012 Red Sox spring training will be rife with 5-month-old references to the team’s pitching staff and fried chicken. Here at Fenway Pastoral, we’d like to celebrate the media in all its glory for its resilience.

Today, the Boston Herald’s Ron Borges flexed his literary muscle and wrote this gem (presumably all by himself):

As for the No. 4-5 starters, well, most teams are more worried about their 1-3 starters. Here, we worry more about those three facing a box of chicken than anyone in the batter’s box. This assumes Clay Buchholz’ back is back and Josh Beckett front is not, of course, but if those three are hale and hearty rather than haughty and hungry the starting pitching isn’t as concerning as some are making you feel.

Quick Take: Sure, it might be like shooting fish in a barrel … or engaging in fisticuffs with a man who can barely walk, but Borges gets his licks in here. Plus, the boxing writer demonstrates a somewhat unknown attribute in knowing the names of two players on the Red Sox.

Literary devices employed: Mild hyperbole; wordplay; compound sentences.

Takeaway: The reference is forced and no doubt took some time to work into a column that kinda sorta presents a defense of John Henry in the WEEI-style straw-man debate over whether the team is spending enough money. All in all, though, a pretty good effort considering it’s only mid-February. Realistically, it is debatable whether Borges has ever sat through an entire baseball game. The effort here has to be worth something.

Final Grade: C.

Please report offending media members to fenwaypastoral@gmail.com. Let’s make a difference together.

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The Youker Files: Marrying Tom Brady’s sister

Posted on February 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

Written exclusively for Fenway Pastoral by Red Sox first baseman/third baseman Kevin Youkilis.

Kevin Youkilis confirms that he recently threw down a marriage proposal on Tom Brady's sister. She said yes. (Photo from USA Today).

Alright, so yeah, guys. I’m engaged to Tom Brady’s sister. I mean, big deal, right?

I guess I should extend a big middle finger to those Inside Track cows for ruining my news. Those chicks need to take some classes in, I don’t know, social etiquette or something.

Now that I got that out of the way – I gotta admit it was a pretty passionate moment proposing to Tom Brady’s sister. And this is coming from a guy who has had his share of passionate moments. In terms of just raw, blood-flowing emotion, asking Tom Brady’s sister to marry me was right up there for me with that argument I got in with Manny in the dugout a few years ago. You never forget those kinds of things.

Tom Brady’s sister and me (I told her it’s totally cool if she calls me KY20) have been dating for like a year. It’s been freaking awesome. I feel like she totally understands me, you know?

Her brother’s this kick-ass athlete for a Boston sports team (the Patriots) and so am I, so she gets that. Plus, just like Tommy, I get extracurricular attention from some Hollywood stuff (yeah, I was in a scene doing my thing at the plate in Moneyball, which is nominated for a gazillion Oscars). Also, she realizes I’m not a bad person just because I’ve broken a few sets of china after a tough day at the plate. Collateral damage. It just comes with the territory.

Oh yeah. My chin’s a little bit bigger and more muscular, but I’m also super-dedicated in the weight-room. Sound familiar?

I’m a Cincy guy so I can definitely say that Tom’s a cool dude to have as a brother-in-law even though he’s no Boomer Esaison.

The ring. I got a diamond one. It was from some boutique or galleria in the mall. There was a lot of really nice furniture inside and all the people there were really nice to me. They called me “boss” and “ace” and stuff, but not in that patronizing way that a lot of people have that make me want to punch them in the face really hard. It was all totally on the level.

I thought I was going to have to bring up the fact that I was in Milk Money to get them to offer free ring-sizing, but they just gave it away for free anyway. I definitely took them for a ride. I think I’ll send them some Sox tickets or something special like one of my old bats that has teeth-marks all over it (I struck out three times in a game in Yankee Stadium last June…I’m done with that piece of lumber).

I’ll keep the details of the proposal private. I wasn’t real nervous about giving Tom Brady’s sister the ring, though. Facing pitchers like Justin Verlander and CC Sabathia is way more intimidating because it seems like they always manage to buzz one or two heaters right near my face every time I step in against them. So for me, proposing isn’t that much different than just taking one for the team. A beanball to the neck is just as good as a hit.

I got a cortisone shot right before I did the deed to make sure bending down on one knee didn’t do any serious damage. My joints tighten up during the offseason so I figured it was better safe than sorry. Now, every time I go to a knee to knock down a grounder with my collarbone at third base this season, I’m going to think of my fiance. Just kind of a small tribute to her.

So that’s the story. I want Red Sox fans to know that marrying Tom Brady’s sister isn’t going to change me or distract me from my ultimate goal of hitting five home runs in the clinching game of the 2012 World Series. This team is focused this year and I know we’re all going to be ready to get down to business.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a phone call to find out how much it would cost to set up a chuppah on the Fenway Park pitcher’s mound.

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Red Sox preparing to offer near-record contract to David Ortiz’s son, D’Angelo

Posted on January 26, 2012 | 2 Comments

The 2011-2012 Hot Stove season will go down as one of fiscal austerity for the Boston Red Sox: Relative inactivity in the free agent market. The Marco Scutaro salary dump. Abandoned plans for a Fenway Sports Group-operated orphanage in Kenmore Square.

David Ortiz's 7-year-old son, D'Angelo, talks hitting with Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers prior to the All-Star Game. (Getty Images)

However, baseball insiders claim that lost amidst the teeth-gnashing over the bewildering nickel-ing and dime-ing is the position of strength the team now stands in the D’Angelo Ortiz sweepstakes.

Son of current Sox DH David Ortiz, the 7-year-old Ortiz is already projecting toward future stardom, according to proprietary analytical systems utilized in Ben Cherington’s front office. Therefore, it makes sense for the team to lock up his peak years before he puts up meteoric statistics in Little League.

Sources say the money socked away from their offseason restraint will be invested in offshore capital-funded private equity funds and suspect pyramid schemes that will enable the team to offer “Little Papi” a record-sized contract that may approach $300 million.

Said one club mole, “We’ve been studying the market for the offspring of husky power hitters for years. Everybody loves David Ortiz. His home runs have helped lead this team to extraordinary success. After he’s retired, it won’t be long before we roll out Big Papi 2.0. D’Angelo will be given unhindered access to our batting cages and pitcher video analysis immediately. We’ve already asked him what type of design he wants for his iPad carrying case.”

D’Angelo’s birthday isn’t until July, meaning the younger Ortiz will spend the majority of the 2012 season at an ideal age for power development and pitch recognition training.

“If he were already 8 or 9 years old, we’d pare down the contract offer slightly. But with him being only 7 and a half, this isn’t the time to be stingy on the average annual value of the contract,” said a team accountant requesting anonymity.

Said one scout, “We are aware of his father’s body type and the likelihood he’ll develop similarly. But we believe we have identified a key market inefficiency that can be exploited by signing him to a mega-deal while he is in grade school. He can start immediately entertaining fans during batting practice and as he becomes major league-ready, we will start writing him into the lineup. This is one of those rare guaranteed returns on an investment.”

Analysts have debated about how to possibly reconcile a roster spot for a 7-year-old prospect. However, many believe D’Angelo Ortiz’s presence on the team may just be the only explanation for the puzzling absence of a viable everyday shortstop on the 40-man roster.

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With Crawford down, Red Sox sign European sensation Liverpo ol-RomaAS to patrol outfield

Posted on January 19, 2012 | Leave a comment

Facing the prospect of entering Opening Day with an outfield that features Jacoby Ellsbury as the team’s only viable Major League starter, the Boston Red Sox are close to finalizing a contract with Italo-English stud Liverpo ol-RomaAS (liv – er – poe, ohl – roam – AHHs), sources confirmed Thursday.

The seemingly ageless ol-RomaAS is largely considered a five-tool star with speed, power, sure hands and superior footwork.

Carl Crawford is in pain, but the Red Sox moved quickly to insure against any lack of athletes on the field at Fenway Park this summer.

His skills are expected to translate immediately within a ballpark such as Fenway.

The push to acquire qualified entertainment to man the Red Sox outfield took on a fevery pitch earlier this week after news broke that Carl Crawford’s wrist surgery could jeopardize his early season availability.

Surprisingly, the signing was not completed by Red Sox GM Ben Cherington but rather by Fenway Sports Management. However, the team’s owners are confident that its involvement in baseball operations was justified in this instance.

“During my years as a scout overseas, I’ve witnessed firsthand Liverpo’s expert command of pitches,” said a marketing guru for the organization. “ol-RomaAS is a budding star and Red Sox fanatics are surely going to fall in love. Let’s be honest: They’ll fall in love if we tell them to…”

This under-the-radar Hot Stove activity comes during a week when many Red Sox fans are preoccupied with the New England Patriots playoff run.

Says one analyst: “The Red Sox were clearly laying in the weeds and just waiting, giggling as the Yankees pulled off two significant moves in signing Hiroki Kuroda and trading for Michael Pineda. Everybody thought the last dying embers of the hot stove season were burning out, but the Red Sox just prodded that fire with a freaking poker.”

Meanwhile, ol-RomaAS’s blood lines can be traced back to primarily Caucasian roots. He is therefore considered a near shoo-in to become a fan favorite and a regular in promotional television spots for Sullivan Tire.

One club source confirms that, “Internally, the team feels like he is going to be a major attraction and obviously signing international sensations and plugging them into this ballpark is a money-making formula that is good for everybody involved. It just made too much sense.”

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