We're now in the clubhouse and there's no beer or chicken to be seen.

—
Joe McDonald (@ESPNJoeyMac) February 17, 2012

Reaction: Presumably, @ESPNJoeyMac is being tongue-in-cheek here. But it’s still discouraging, particularly on a day when CSNE’s Sean McAdam (perhaps the only other decent Sox beat guy) also fell victim to the ridiculous Chicken Narrative, penning a column outlining why Red Sox players need to apologize for 2011 before moving onto 2012. Boston fans have already been here, in 2012, for about seven weeks now. It’s a shame none of the sports media cares to join us.

Literary Devices Employed: It was a Tweet. So…zero.

Final Grade: F-minus. Next time, Joe, leave the low-hanging fruit for guys like Peter Abraham.

Third in a series celebrating the Boston sports media’s refusal to abandon a dead storyline. Please send submissions to fenwaypastoral@gmail.com.

In “Red Sox sweeping regret under the rug” an edgy, primed-up Eric Wilbur takes his best shot:

No more jokes about chicken and beer. We’re talking about the health and nutrition of players here, people. Don’t you feel badly now that you laughed all winter about the human players’ right to eat? Why do you feel the need to pile on a laughingstock? Let’s see you go three hours without greasing up your hands and pounding some swill.

Some have opined that the “chicken and beer” story line was simply symbolic of how this team tanked down the stretch. That’s unfair. Have you ever had Popeye’s and Bud Light together? That’s a heart-stopping recipe not to be denied to anybody.

Reaction: Get some, Wilbur! Get some!

Literary devices employed: Thick sarcasm, audience-engaging rhetorical questioning, the daring use of subject/verb agreement.

Takeaway: Wilbur appears to be initiating an attempt to lead Adrian Gonzalez (the team’s best player) toward the woodshed for actually giving a reporter the time of day by issuing a benign answer to a question about something that happened five months ago. Boston.com is essentially the graveyard in which insightful baseball analysis goes to die … before being memorialized in 50-page gallery format. Wilbur is no stranger in a strange land. Here, he proves himself something of an apprentice Masserotti, getting paid by the pound to shovel low-grade fertilizer onto the site’s Red Sox content farm.

Final Grade: D-minus.

Second in a series celebrating the Boston sports media’s refusal to abandon a dead storyline. Please send submissions to fenwaypastoral@gmail.com.

Today, the Boston Herald’s Ron Borges flexed his literary muscle and wrote this gem (presumably all by himself):

As for the No. 4-5 starters, well, most teams are more worried about their 1-3 starters. Here, we worry more about those three facing a box of chicken than anyone in the batter’s box. This assumes Clay Buchholz’ back is back and Josh Beckett front is not, of course, but if those three are hale and hearty rather than haughty and hungry the starting pitching isn’t as concerning as some are making you feel.

Quick Take: Sure, it might be like shooting fish in a barrel … or engaging in fisticuffs with a man who can barely walk, but Borges gets his licks in here. Plus, the boxing writer demonstrates a somewhat unknown attribute in knowing the names of two players on the Red Sox.

Literary devices employed: Mild hyperbole; wordplay; compound sentences.

Takeaway: The reference is forced and no doubt took some time to work into a column that kinda sorta presents a defense of John Henry in the WEEI-style straw-man debate over whether the team is spending enough money. All in all, though, a pretty good effort considering it’s only mid-February. Realistically, it is debatable whether Borges has ever sat through an entire baseball game. The effort here has to be worth something.

Final Grade: C.

Please report offending media members to fenwaypastoral@gmail.com. Let’s make a difference together.

Kevin Youkilis confirms that he recently threw down a marriage proposal on Tom Brady's sister. She said yes. (Photo from USA Today).

Alright, so yeah, guys. I’m engaged to Tom Brady’s sister. I mean, big deal, right?

I guess I should extend a big middle finger to those Inside Track cows for ruining my news. Those chicks need to take some classes in, I don’t know, social etiquette or something.

Now that I got that out of the way – I gotta admit it was a pretty passionate moment proposing to Tom Brady’s sister. And this is coming from a guy who has had his share of passionate moments. In terms of just raw, blood-flowing emotion, asking Tom Brady’s sister to marry me was right up there for me with that argument I got in with Manny in the dugout a few years ago. You never forget those kinds of things.

Tom Brady’s sister and me (I told her it’s totally cool if she calls me KY20) have been dating for like a year. It’s been freaking awesome. I feel like she totally understands me, you know?

Her brother’s this kick-ass athlete for a Boston sports team (the Patriots) and so am I, so she gets that. Plus, just like Tommy, I’ve get extracurricular attention from some Hollywood stuff (yeah, I was in a scene doing my thing at the plate in Moneyball, which is nominated for a gazillion Oscars). Also, she realizes I’m not a bad person just because I’ve broken a few sets of china after a tough day at the plate. Collateral damage. It just comes with the territory.

Oh yeah. My chin’s a little bit bigger and more muscular, but I’m also super-dedicated in the weight-room. Sound familiar?

I’m a Cincy guy so I can definitely say that Tom’s a cool dude to have as a brother-in-law even though he’s no Boomer Esaison.

The ring. I got a diamond one. It was from some boutique or galleria in the mall. There was a lot of really nice furniture inside and all the people there were really nice to me. They called me “boss” and “ace” and stuff, but not in that patronizing way that a lot of people have that make me want to punch them in the face really hard. It was all totally on the level.

I thought I was going to have to bring up the fact that I was in Milk Money to get them to offer free ring-sizing, but they just gave it away for free anyway. I definitely took them for a ride. I think I’ll send them some Sox tickets or something special like one of my old bats that has teeth-marks all over it (I struck out three times in a game in Yankee Stadium last June…I’m done with that piece of lumber).

I’ll keep the details of the proposal private. I wasn’t real nervous about giving Tom Brady’s sister the ring, though. Facing pitchers like Justin Verlander and CC Sabathia is way more intimidating because it seems like they always manage to buzz one or two heaters right near my face every time I step in against them. So for me, proposing isn’t that much different than just taking one for the team. A beanball to the neck is just as good as a hit.

I got a cortisone shot right before I did the deed to make sure bending down on one knee didn’t do any serious damage. My joints tighten up during the offseason so I figured it was better safe than sorry. Now, every time I go to a knee to knock down a grounder with my collarbone at third base this season, I’m going to think of my fiance. Just kind of a small tribute to her.

So that’s the story. I want Red Sox fans to know that marrying Tom Brady’s sister isn’t going to change me or distract me from my ultimate goal of hitting five home runs in the clinching game of the 2012 World Series. This team is focused this year and I know we’re all going to be ready to get down to business.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a phone call to find out how much it would cost to set up a chuppah on the Fenway Park pitcher’s mound.

David Ortiz's 7-year-old son, D'Angelo, talks hitting with Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers prior to the All-Star Game. (Getty Images)

However, baseball insiders claim that lost amidst the teeth-gnashing over the bewildering nickel-ing and dime-ing is the position of strength the team now stands in the D’Angelo Ortiz sweepstakes.

Son of current Sox DH David Ortiz, the 7-year-old Ortiz is already projecting toward future stardom, according to proprietary analytical systems utilized in Ben Cherington’s front office. Therefore, it makes sense for the team to lock up his peak years before he puts up meteoric statistics in Little League.

Sources say the money socked away from their offseason restraint will be invested in offshore capital-funded private equity funds and suspect pyramid schemes that will enable the team to offer “Little Papi” a record-sized contract that may approach $300 million.

Said one club mole, “We’ve been studying the market for the offspring of husky power hitters for years. Everybody loves David Ortiz. His home runs have helped lead this team to extraordinary success. After he’s retired, it won’t be long before we roll out Big Papi 2.0. D’Angelo will be given unhindered access to our batting cages and pitcher video analysis immediately. We’ve already asked him what type of design he wants for his iPad carrying case.”

D’Angelo’s birthday isn’t until July, meaning the younger Ortiz will spend the majority of the 2012 season at an ideal age for power development and pitch recognition training.

“If he were already 8 or 9 years old, we’d pare down the contract offer slightly. But with him being only 7 and a half, this isn’t the time to be stingy on the average annual value of the contract,” said a team accountant requesting anonymity.

Said one scout, “We are aware of his father’s body type and the likelihood he’ll develop similarly. But we believe we have identified a key market inefficiency that can be exploited by signing him to a mega-deal while he is in grade school. He can start immediately entertaining fans during batting practice and as he becomes major league-ready, we will start writing him into the lineup. This is one of those rare guaranteed returns on an investment.”

Analysts have debated about how to possibly reconcile a roster spot for a 7-year-old prospect. However, many believe D’Angelo Ortiz’s presence on the team may just be the only explanation for the puzzling absence of a viable everyday shortstop on the 40-man roster.

The seemingly ageless ol-RomaAS is largely considered a five-tool star with speed, power, sure hands and superior footwork.

Carl Crawford is in pain, but the Red Sox moved quickly to insure against any lack of athletes on the field at Fenway Park this summer.

His skills are expected to translate immediately within a ballpark such as Fenway.

The push to acquire qualified entertainment to man the Red Sox outfield took on a fevery pitch earlier this week after news broke that Carl Crawford’s wrist surgery could jeopardize his early season availability.

Surprisingly, the signing was not completed by Red Sox GM Ben Cherington but rather by Fenway Sports Management. However, the team’s owners are confident that its involvement in baseball operations was justified in this instance.

“During my years as a scout overseas, I’ve witnessed firsthand Liverpo’s expert command of pitches,” said a marketing guru for the organization. “ol-RomaAS is a budding star and Red Sox fanatics are surely going to fall in love. Let’s be honest: They’ll fall in love if we tell them to…”

This under-the-radar Hot Stove activity comes during a week when many Red Sox fans are preoccupied with the New England Patriots playoff run.

Says one analyst: “The Red Sox were clearly laying in the weeds and just waiting, giggling as the Yankees pulled off two significant moves in signing Hiroki Kuroda and trading for Michael Pineda. Everybody thought the last dying embers of the hot stove season were burning out, but the Red Sox just prodded that fire with a freaking poker.”

Meanwhile, ol-RomaAS’s blood lines can be traced back to primarily Caucasian roots. He is therefore considered a near shoo-in to become a fan favorite and a regular in promotional television spots for Sullivan Tire.

One club source confirms that, “Internally, the team feels like he is going to be a major attraction and obviously signing international sensations and plugging them into this ballpark is a money-making formula that is good for everybody involved. It just made too much sense.”

From the winter of 2001 until the end of 2007, I was a flack for the Sox. In my capacity as senior vice president at Rasky Baerlein, I consulted with the team’s owners about their public relations and strategic communications. For a New England kid, six seasons of reporting to Fenway Park each morning kept me in a constant state of exhilaration. I was the envy of colleagues and family members. I had a badge that gave me total access to Fenway Park at any time. I was present at nearly every major Sox milestone in the first six years of the new millennium — including two World Series. I was on a first-name basis with the top executives and sometimes rubbed elbows with players.

Some thoughts after reading the story:

All-star pitcher, devoted husband of model Lindsay Clubine, loving father and, lest we never forget, former ladies’ man Clay Buchholz took some time to chat with Fenway Pastoral readers.

(From MomPhoto.com - seriously.)

Clay,
After his one-night stands, Derek Jeter sends broads on their way by sticking them in a chauffeured car with autographed memorabilia as a parting gift. Back when you were playing the field, did you give out any signature keepsakes?

- Terry from Wilmington, Mass.

Things were a bit different back when I was a bachelor in the late 2000s. The economy was flailing and I hadn’t signed my multi-million dollar contract extension yet. The ladies simply had to settle for a mind-blowing night with a professional ballplayer. That used to be enough back in the day. Any broad who would choose a stupid baseball autographed by a future Hall of Famer instead of a send-off breakfast of homemade chocolate chip banana waffles wasn’t worth my time or attention. I don’t know, though. Jetes is quite a bit older than me and everyone in baseball knows that guys in their late 30s tend to show some age-related decline in performance. Maybe these autographed baseballs are some sort of consolation prize for their potential disappointment…

Clay,
Some new bar called Sweet Caroline’s is going to open right near Fenway Park. The problem is it’s just another run-of-the-mill sports bar looking to capitalize on Red Sox game day foot traffic. How frustrating is it for you to work in a town that features bars with names like Lolita, Forum, Felt and Underbar — none of which are strip clubs?

- Joseph from Randolph

Yeah, Joe, it’s not a good situation. I gave the whole thing some serious thought before signing that extension in April. Analysts are always doing calculations about how much free agents can save by signing with teams in income tax-free states like Florida. But, honestly, by playing in a priggish city like Boston for the last five years I’ve probably offset those savings by three or four hundred large. I’m just guessing, but it would probably be pretty difficult to drop a significant chunk of change at some knockoff watering hole named after a bad Neil Diamond song.

Clay,
How much of your $1 million signing bonus from the Red Sox did you request be paid out in single dollar bills?

- Michelle from Uxbridge

See above, Michelle. I’ve left those days behind. Okay, fine. Five hundred thousand, but I still have a couple stacks left…

Clay,
Major League Baseball recently sent a memo out regarding some tightening to the dress code for media members at the ballpark. With specific new regulations on skirt lengths, some are calling out the league for sexism as it is clearly aimed at female bombshell “journalists” like Ines Sains and, although she’s gone now, reporters like former NESN icon Heidi Watney. This is clearly a step in the wrong direction for a league with as many antiquated rules as MLB, right?

- Jonathan from Wellesley

You’re absolutely right, Jon. I’ve always been a proponent of dames being able to express themselves through their choice of clothing or occasional lack thereof. We need to let these broads make some decisions for themselves. What is this, the 1920s? Anyway. Forget about Kelly Shoppach. I’m pretty sure these new “guidelines” are the real reason behind Jason Varitek’s likely retirement.

Thanks for the questions, you guys. Happy Holidays.

Archives: Clay Buchholz’s Love Doctor Mailbag: August Stretch Run Edition

The Red Sox have made an unofficial official offer to a Mystery Guy, say sources who likewise shan’t be named.

Readers may or may not be acquainted with this Mystery Guy, who played for another team last year.

In the photo above, new Sox GM Ben Cherington talks to the media about something completely unrelated to the Mystery Guy.

A growing number of insiders believe the Mystery Guy is going to be coming to Boston to play for the Red Sox–as long as he doesn’t sign with several other teams also reported to be in the running for the services of this Mystery Guy. Those teams include, but may not be limited to, the Arizona Diamondbacks, Atlanta Braves, Baltimore Orioles, Chicago White Sox, Chicago Cubs, Colorado Rockies, Cincinnati Reds, Houston Astros, Miami Marlins, New York Yankees, New York Mets, Texas Rangers, San Francisco Giants, Seattle Mariners and Denver Broncos.

The talking heads on television and the radio are sure going to have hours of material if the Mystery Player signs a multi-million dollar contract with the Boston Red Sox.

Scouts have already applauded the potential move as a winner.

“Obviously the Mystery Guy has a name cache that speaks for itself,” said one talent observer. “It’s not even worth going into the particulars. We can all agree that the Red Sox will be a better team with the Mystery Guy on it…as long as it’s for that specific number of years and specific amount of money that is being intermittently reported as fact and as idle speculation.”

Indeed, the number of years and money is always an important factor in any Hot Stove signing. The Winter Meetings are an ideal time for general managers to discuss the particulars of contracts with players’ agents. Presumably, Cherington has had extended conversations with the agent representing the Mystery Guy. Surely, the Mystery Guy wouldn’t be rumored to be coming to the team if that were not the case.

Red Sox fans are already sounding off on the merits and shortcomings of the Mystery Guy.

“Mystery Guy is exactly the kind of player this team needs right now,” said Bert Smith as he strolled through Kenmore Square Tuesday evening.

“I’m not so sure,” said Smith’s friend, Edward. “I can’t think of the names of the Other Guys right now, but Mystery Guy wouldn’t be my first choice. Oh well. Is there any chance that all these reports are just complete and utter bullshit?”

Several club sources have confirmed that Henry recently took the reins in Fenway Sports Group-owned NESN’s search for a successor to the infinitely popular Heidi Watney, who confirmed last month that she’s moving back to California.

John Henry's eyes are trained on Larry Lucchino. But his mind is ... elsewhere ... (Courtesy of Providence Journal).

“The Red Sox front office has heard all the grumblings from fans that Mr. Henry is diverting too much attention to other business endeavors, such as the soccer team in Liverpool. But that’s simply not the case. John’s instrumental role in the search for new on-field talent for NESN is a perfect example,” said a NESN spokesperson.

While Boston Sports Media Watch ventured a respectable list of possible Watney replacements on Monday, Henry’s tireless pursuit of talent seems to suggest that the potential slate of candidates is quite a bit meatier than just names already known within the television industry.

The affable team owner may have employed a “hands-off” approach to the lengthy search for a new manager, which was reportedly close to completion as of Tuesday morning. However, it would seem that Henry believes he may find a diamond-in-the-rough or at least a girl-next-door who could be molded into on-air talent if afforded with the right opportunity.

And, yes, Henry knows a thing or two about finding broads at watering holes. He met his current wife, Linda Pizzuti, at a bar in the Liberty Hotel and famously won her heart by writing her an endearing letter. Pizzuti is believed to be all-in on Henry’s search for a Fenway star as long as it does not interfere with his exploitation of corn futures.

For their part, fans also seem to be responding positively to the news that their beloved owner is taking such an active interest in the team’s lengthy offseason chore list. In particular, female bar goers in the Boston area seem to welcome the added scrutiny.

“He’s kind of creepy when you first notice him lurking in the corner,” said Worcester product Laura Taylor at M Bar in the Mandarin Hotel during a recent night in which Henry was spotted. “But, yeah, it would be fun to be on television. I may have unbuttoned a couple of buttons once I noticed him in the corner sipping on a dry martini.”

As fans may recall, former Sox GM Theo Epstein once ate Thanksgiving dinner with Curt Schilling’s family. So this isn’t the first time the Red Sox have used the “wine-and/or-dine” tactic to assemble a team. However, it is presumably the first time the team has employed the technique to acquire non-roster talent.

Said one club official: “We can say for certain that this is the first time in this ownership group’s tenure that we’re expressly angling toward a home-grown product.”

Confirmed another team source: “Tina Cervasio and Heidi Watney were carpetbaggers who predictably split town after a few years. We think signing someone local will give us the long-term stability we’re lacking in that part of the organization.”

And, really, what better way to find local talent than to plumb the city’s bustling night clubs and lounges?

Some scouts, however, remain skeptical that the Red Sox will be able to merely plug in a cheap, relatively unknown replacement into such a prominent role as Watney’s.

“Who do they think they’re kidding? On-field interviews and features on ballpark cuisine are high-leverage, pressure-packed situations,” said one long-time scout. “That type of spot requires a certain level of raw talent that simply doesn’t grow on trees. You’re better off paying for a known commodity with the experience and the know-how.”

Nevertheless, the Sox owner is reportedly undeterred. But aspiring on-field journalists beware: John Henry may be able to see you, but you may not be able to see John Henry.

“A lot of it is being done under the cloak of clever disguise…” said one Henry assistant requesting anonymity. “Believe it or not, there are some women out there who get gussied up and show up at ritzy bars simply to meet rich men who can make them feel financially secure. John needs to know that whoever replaces Watney is indeed sincere about the important things – like getting Kevin Youkilis to speak to her after a walkoff, bases-loaded beaning.”

Clubhouse sources would not comment on anyone else’s involvement in the vetting process beyond Henry.

But Sox fans seem to feel strongly that multiple front offices executives would only serve to gum up an already tall task.

“Larry Lucchino better not be holding up the process with whatever weird fetishes he happens to have,” said Nathan Prince after swearing he spied Henry during a recent night at the bar at Bond in the Langham Hotel.

“I mean, let’s be honest. It’s six in one; half a dozen in the other. I trust Mr. Henry’s judgement on this,” said a Sox fan last night at Lolita Tequila Bar. “As long as the new girl can post a lineup on Twitter and stay out of Jarrod Saltalamacchia’s pants, I think Sox fans will be happy.”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia declined comment for this story.