What Red Sox players did during their summer vacation

While David Ortiz was busy in Kansas City participating in the Home Run Derby and All Star Game this past week, the rest of the Red Sox took advantage of a midsummer’s reprieve from playing baseball games.

Pitchers

  • Jon Lester: Massaged my temples while sitting in a dark room for four straight days.
  • Josh Beckett: Here – I made you an over-sized diorama of my activities out of an empty Miller Lite box filled with golf balls.
  • Felix Doubront: Began mentally preparing to start one-game playoff against Tampa Bay to end regular season; the Wild Card play-in game against Anaheim a day later and Game 1 of the ALDS two days after that.
  • Clay Buchholz: I did all kinds of cool things, but absolutely nothing involving an inflatable kiddie pool filled with mid-shelf vodka. I promise.
  • Aaron Cook: Condensed and rewrote an entire script for an episode of HBO’s The Newsroom. The episode’s projected runtime is now three and a half minutes.
  • Franklin Morales: Surrendered a third home run to Andruw Jones.
  • Vicente Padilla: Signed up for copious amounts of beastiality porn site subscriptions under the handle mteixeira@yankees.com.
  • Daisuke Matsuzaka: You don’t want to know. No, seriously, you don’t.

Infielders

  • Nick Punto: Two Tough Mudder races (daily) and signed up for an Ironman Triathalon during the offseason. Did some pull-ups and practiced a few different sliding techniques.
  • Adrian Gonzalez: Tylenol and codeine. Lots of codeine.
  • Mike Aviles: Aimed some home runs off the Jordan’s Furniture sign in center field. Fans only win free furniture if I hit the ball on the first pitch, right?
  • Will Middlebrooks: Getting infusion of blood enriched with anti-Tim Naehring plattletes.
  • Dustin Pedroia: Spoke to a surgeon about possibly grafting a couple of the less useful toes on my foot onto my hands as “backup” thumbs.
  • Mauro Gomez: Broke the starter cord on my lawnmower pulling the damn thing too hard.

Catchers

  • Kelly Shoppach: Got close to convincing Tim Wakefield to make a comeback for the Sox. Heh. Deal with that, Salty.
  • Jarrod Saltalamacchia: Had to spend a couple days talking Tim Wakefield out of a comeback attempt. He was insisting I would be catching his starts for some reason.

Outfielders

  • Jacoby Ellsbury: Trainer’s room.
  • Carl Crawford: Trainer’s room.
  • Scott Podsednik: Trainer’s room/MRI.
  • Cody Ross: Trainer’s room.
  • Ryan Sweeney: Doc’s office.
  • Daniel Nava: Nintendo.

Manager

  • Bobby Valentine: I poured sugar in your gas tank while anally raping your mother. C’mon, just kidding. That’s a joke from the movie Clerks. Lighten up a little, guys…

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